notes on the notion of being fastened (in love).

i wrote this morning for the first time in months. i typed this out: "this has been the semester of things not working out." and then breathed a sigh.
that's not completely the truth. obviously there have been some joyful moments of smooth sailing and fun times.
but the majority of the time, it has been the case. papers, sculptures, classes, fun plans, seeing my family, and (most recently) wedding showers have just not been able to happen the way that i had hoped. sometimes that has been a good lesson of patience or submission to God's plan. sometimes it's only resulted crushing disappointment. i feel a little beaten at the close of this semester.

that said, a comforting truth has become quite real to me this week.
in the ever-popular hymn "come thou fount of every blessing," the author wrote these words:

praise the mount, i'm fixed upon it / mount of Thy redeeming love

as i said before, this semester-and really this year-has been a real doozy. it has left me spinning, straying, doubting, and pouting. i can openly acknowledge the fact that i have not been seeking Christ as i should. i have not felt His presence or heard His voice. but i am fixed upon the mount of His redeeming love.
the word "fixed" is defined as follows:

fixedfikst/adjective
1.fastened securely in position.
"a fixed iron ladder down the port side"

synonyms:

fastened

i am so wide-eyed and wild in this season. i am frightened and running any way i think is going to bring me peace. i have longed for my Father and have lost faith in the fact He longs for me.
my heart has stopped conversing with my head and my knowledge of His goodness is overshadowed with my own feeling of being abandoned.
and yet.
i am fixed upon a great mountain of mercy, life, and redeeming love.
i am fastened securely in a position that was specially made for me long ago.
i am His and there is nothing in the world that is going to change that.
although i am not in yet in a season of sweet communion with the Father, i am at a new level of peace.
i know for a fact that He cannot turn His back on me. even when i wander and attempt to leave the God i love, i am all the while fastened tightly to His heart.

bare wrists

so every year (especially during the summer) I collect bracelets. by the time the end of the year comes, my wrists are covered halfway up my forearm.
i love it. i love knowing that each bracelet is connected to a memory or a thought or people or all sorts of different things. i really do. and the only time having that many bracelets is a pain is when i get out of the shower or wash dishes. then my wrists are damp for the rest of the day.
but still i love it.

however, every year, i get to a point where i start anew. i shed my bracelets and bare my wrists. it's a cathartic process.

usually, that time comes with the new year or christmas or something.

but because i'm stressed out and wanted to do something drastic to channel that stress, i shed them today.
sitting in the library, working on a paper.

it feels so good and freeing to have clean arms and let go of the people/memories/heartache that are attached to the bracelets.
there's a picture on my photoblog, if you're interested.

a post that is complaining about future heartache

I have to admit something. I have a heavy heart. One of my best friends (I don't use the term "best friend" lightly, I'll have you know...) is leaving on Saturday for college. We talked about it today. We both know that it's going to be different. We both know that this a new, exciting chapter in her life. Sheesh. I hate knowing things and still being just as frightened and sad as when you don't know things. I don't know if that sentence made sense. Well anyway, tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to her. Goodbye. I don't know how the words are going to leave my mouth with out my heart breaking just a little bit.
Moral of this post: Cherish your friends. You never know when you'll have to say goodbye...and even when you know it hurts just as much.
Mary Em

thoughts thoughts thoughts oh and happy may day

My mind is in a twisted jumbled mess. Because of that, I have a raging headache. Ouch. Happy May Day

Anyway, if you don't know me, this won't make any sense. If you do know me...it won't make sense to you either. This is basically a spill of my thoughts. So buckle your seatbelts and get ready.
first,
Yesterday, I laid...layed? whatever I sprawled out in the sunshine for a mere fifteen minutes on my porch. I just soaked up the sunshine and my heart smiled. God really has blessed me with so many things in my life. He has given me such peace with the world lately.Finals are here, I'm taking the SAT tomorrow, and I'm playing weddings and things all throughout May. Those are things that I would generally be stressing over. But no, I'm fine! So thanks, God. You are truly mighty and you care ever so much for your people.

second,
While listening to Jonsi (if you have not checked him out, scroll down and listen to his link on my page. OR if you really want a visual treat go to the jonsi website and watch the video entitled "go do" eek. it's good stuff) and Sea Wolf and Zachery James Dodds etc. yesterday, I was struck with such a violent fit of inspiration it wasn't even funny. Well maybe a little bit. But that's beside the point. So not only have I been blessed with peace, I have been blessed with so much inspiration for photos, collages, paintings, etc. that I will have something creative to do for the rest of the summer.

third,
I have a little playhouse in my backyard. It was functional for .2 years. probably. I mean that's how little we've used it. BUT my mom and I were talking about it, and she said I could turn it into my studio! It doesn't have heat or air conditioning...which stinks, but I can still use it 3/4's of the year. So yeah, I'm blessed with a space to work on all of my creativ things. AH God you are so good.

I once told Micah that I thrive on threes. It's true. So I'm going to stop there.
Hm technically this could have been entitled "three things from the chatt state library", because that is where I am...but I'm to lazy to go back and change it.

Have a sunshiny Friday!
Mary Em