I have never been a fan of summer...

Don't get me wrong, I have always loved what has taken place in summer-camp, no school, travel, sleep, berries, fresh tomatoes, lightened hair, freckles on faces, endless nights, etc. But this summer is teaching me to love the season as a whole.

I have been living in Boring, OR for a few months now, but I feel I am finally coming alive here. The clear, sunny days followed by sleepy rainy days followed by cold windy days is probably my favorite weather. Guess what? That is summer here. The mornings are so cold and the evenings tepid. There is enough gloominess that the buoyancy of the afternoon heat doesn't get a gal down.

Today, while tackling a patch of overgrown brush (with hand tools) in the June heat, I felt a rich thankfulness rise up in me. I can only describe the feeling as a smooth surety.

The past year has held a lot of unanswered questions for me. After graduating, I moved three times before traveling across the country. I had three different jobs. I got engaged, endured more long distance, said my goodbyes, moved to Oregon, watched my most loved person/fiance´of all time grieve loss, answered two calls having to do with said person in a car accident, spent my birthday on an uncomfortable faux leather chair in the trauma ward, commuted so long to go to a job that was draining (at best), and all the while, my prayers began and ended in questions. I finally quit my job without knowing what was next the beginning of this past month. Fortunately, I was hired as a nanny/farmhand for a small family in a neighboring town the day after my last day.

The question "what do I want to be doing right now?" was answered.

The farm is small, but the large property is wildly overgrown with beautiful, pesky green things. The girls I usually watch have been at camp this week, so I have been slowly helping tasks get crossed off the list. I have used my hands to nurture life, hack down weeds, enjoy farm fresh veggies for lunch, harvested wild herbs to (hopefully) make my own medicine, and gotten more sunburnt than I remember getting in the last five years. After my work was done for the day, I stood barefoot in the terrace garden. Earth was all around me and I felt capable, loved, and fulfilled. I am re-learning who I am and who I want to be. To be honest, I am thrilled at what is being revealed.

All my questions may not be answered, but the Lord is so good. He blesses richly and His coming is as sure as the dawn. What more do I need than this and Oregon sunshine?

December 2014-May 2015: a synopsis

This site has been comatose since last fall and there are so many reasons for that, but I am too hungry right now to list them. I figure I should recap this year because in a couple weeks, this page will be my main communication with the outside world:

December began with the most involved art show and ended with the weirdest celebration of New Year's Eve. I graduated and did not feel that much more accomplished as I walked across a little stage in a robe plagued with static cling. I celebrated Christmas at home and moved out of my trusty little basement apartment. Somedays, I still miss The Den. Three camp friends and I counted down to what we thought was midnight in the car after having a drink and appetizers at a random pizza place in Hixson (of all places). We crossed into a different time zone halfway up the mountain, so when we looked at our cell phones, they said 11:00.

January started with a trip to Cedar Lake Camp and ended with me in Nashville almost half-adjusted to my new life. I packed my car with my things and drove to the house of the parents of someone I hadn't seen in nearly two years. Needless to say, I was nervous and awkward during my first days in the Hanson house.  I was also nervous and awkward during my first day of interning with Humanities Tennessee, but I don't think anyone noticed. I got lost a lot this month.

By February, I had gotten a job working as a barista at Atmalogy and kind of knew what I was doing at my internship. "Icemaggedon" happened during this month too, so lots of days were spent doing yoga with Lauren and her black cat fella. I celebrated most of my birthday at work, but mama Sue and Lauren threw me a taco party when I got home. Age twenty-two was well-honored with margaritas and the Bachelor. Lots of driving happened in February, because David and I met halfway in little towns and sat up all night in a Waffle House.

March had a rocky start. David got hurt and I ran a half marathon alone. In spite of ruined plans, tears, and crutches, He and I were able to celebrate our two-year date-iversary in Asheville. By this time, I had started visiting coffee shops around Nashville and documenting them with little sketches (these will be shared and written about in due time). The end of March brought sunshine and friends with it. David visited and the Big Hero 6 crew was established. I don't know how I ended up being Aunt Cass, but it fits.

April was poetry month, so I decided to write a poem everyday (I almost succeeded). David and I went to the Frist on his birthday and so David crutched around saying "pip-pip." I met Robert Morgan, Rodney Jones, and Jane Hirshfield in one weekend and spent the rest of the week thinking of smart things I could have said to them. Before I knew it, I had my last day at Atmalogy and at Humanities Tennessee. Margaret Renkl (the editor at Chapter16) presented me with a gift on my last morning with her. Her inscription in the book is as inspiring as the book itself. I'm still so amazed at how great it was to work with her and the exceptional people at Humanities Tennessee.

May is blurring by quickly. So far, I've packed, moved, unpacked, organized, separated, and repacked. Adventures ahead include: Nashville, visiting David, and settling down for the summer at Cedar Lake Camp. I currently don't know anything for sure past August, but that's just fine with me.

There you have it, the last five months in six hundred words.

and all I had was a cell phone camera

story time:

so God always gives us what we want.
(I can imagine you raising your eyebrows to this daring statement)
however, what our soul often really longs for and wants is very different than what our flesh wants.
luckily, we have a good Father that listens to the longings of our heart and soul and does not listen to the longings of our flesh.
labor day weekend was hard for me. I was suffering acutely from PACSBIITB (otherwise known as "Pining After Chattanooga Syndrome Because It Is The Best"). I biked to downtown Johnson City on Saturday to find someplace to escape.
no such place was found.
on Sunday, I had a lovely afternoon with a new friend. it was beautiful, but it still didn't give me the peace I was kind of frantically searching for.
I rarely ever find peace in any situation until I know there is some place that I can make my refuge. I had countless places like that in Chattanooga. whenever I was restless or impulsive (which us a lot. like a lot a lot.) I would go to those places and think or process or create or do something to work out my restlessness.
labor day, I made a list of coffee shops to look into. you know, little locally owned and operated places where the drip coffee is served in mugs and the pastries are made daily.
that sort of place.
so I hopped in my car and began searching.
I thought I wanted to sit inside and write and think about home and how much I miss the river.
that was not what I wanted, however. I found that out when my search for a little homey coffee shop resulted in a bunch of names of places crossed out on a list.
while getting my hair trimmed on Saturday, the nice lady talked about how pretty the trails were at Erwin, Tn.
so after a series of disappointments, I got back in my car, turned on Courtney Marie, and put Erwin Tn into my GPS. it was pouring rain when I got on the interstate, but I didn't care.
I got on Rock Creek Rd and began to drive up. and up. and up.
I passed a trailhead and didn't stop.
I passed another one and didn't stop.
all of a sudden, the road led me down. and down.
I turned around as fast as I could and thought to myself "I just want to stand on the mountain side and feel alive."
I pulled off at the trail head, thinking I was just going to check it out.
the sign designated the trail as apart of the AT and a landmark called "beauty spot" was a reasonable distance.
so I, wearing a long skirt, hiked. and hiked. and while I was hiking rain fell. and the mountains misted. and everything around me sang a song of praise to its Maker.
then it hit me.
this is my escape. I thought I wanted to be holed up in a little man-made building, surrounded by strangers.
but my Father knew my soul wanted to be free in the mountain air, surrounded by trees and sky and His Spirit.
when I got to the "beauty spot", I sighed a sigh of elation and bliss.
I felt peace.
my restlessness was worked out.
it was as if the wind carried whispers that said "you'll be okay" and "you're where you should be" and "you are going to grow and grow here" and "look at the mountains!"
the end.

oh here are my cell phone camera pictures

ten/journal entries

snippets from my journaling from the road trip I took over spring break.
nothing monumental.
just memories.

day one:
we went to work out at walmart and ate fro yo on the quaint streets of old city Franklin. we ignored the monotone voice telling us to "wait" at the light-over and over again and walked whenever we wanted, because afterall, we're liberated.

day two:
today was marvelous, I can't help but forget my chronic melancholy on an adventure such as this. I love these girls, I loved the treehouse (so astounding) I loved getting to see Jacob, I love this mountain, I love the rain (ish), and I love camping. I so enjoy feeling so in tune with the earth. There's nothing like a good, cold, wet night to make you feel like a weathered explorer.

day three:
-Sweet hikers named Trina and Jerry lent us their nifty little can opener. Trina's soft voice was delightfully accented and matched her feather-like eyebrows and red hair.
-We were going to howl at the moon like little lady wolves, but- we cannot see the moon!
such a tragedy!

day four:
"I'm tired out!"-Bethany while standing in a pile of tires. We went to the recycling center as the golden sun sunk below the urban landscape that surrounded us. Shadows danced on the cylinders of waste all covered in bright colors.

day five:
the word mountain is mentioned in the Bible 175 times.

Happiness is only real if shared-Christopher McCandless

this weekend confirmed these and many other things in my mind:

-God always supplies what I need. Always.

-God loves me too deeply for me to grasp

-I want more than anything to pack my things and go. anywhere.

-Dear friends and adventure are the ingredients for a most excellent road trip

and much much more.

Oh dear Jesus, help me be grateful. Help me get rest. and above all, help me to love people the way I ought to.

A New Adventure

Every time I talk about this fall, a bittersweet ache comes into my heart. I'm re-losing (ish) two of my dearest friends, I'm having to say goodbye to two of my other dearest friends, I'm taking 19 hours (that was my own choice, so I'm not complaining), I'm working at ballet (hopefully), I'm getting a bike, and I'm working at Chatt State. Although all these things are scary and new, I'm excited for the new adventure this year is going to be. My goal will be to challenge myself daily to never have a moment that isn't lived out fully.

So adventures and changes will be abundant.

The very first new adventure I'm taking on is going gluten free. For as long as I can remember, I've been sick, exhausted, and plagued by migraines and sinus headaches. SO, to combat this, I'm getting rid of the gluten in my life. It's going to be quite a culinary adventure because I'll have to make most of my own food. Hooray! I get to feel better and become a better cook!

Starting Monday, gluten will slowly be making its way out of my diet. I'm taking this whole thing one meal at a time, because I think it would be a bit much for me and my body to handle to be like BAM no gluten. So yeah, the first week I'm going one meal gluten free, then the next week two, then everything else.

Wish me luck!

Hopefully, I'll be blogging recipes and whatnot.

Mary Emily

p.s. the photograph is from Training Week at camp. The "Pine Forest" (a little grove of pine trees) was full of hammocks all week. Claire is the name of the girl with the lovely hair in the photo)