noiselessly patient

after a three day weekend (yes, i skipped two classes friday...no, i'm not sorry) and the longest nap i've had in a while, i feel like i'm ready to face the week and share a few thoughts.

while working a lot, going to school a lot, being long distance with my best friend (jen) and my boyfriend/bestfriend (david) a lot has been extremely grueling and time-consuming, i really don't feel the need to express my concerns about it. even on the absolute worst dismal days, i know it will pass.
and that's that.

honestly, my biggest concern right now is answering that daunting question "what the (insert word of choice here) am i doing with myself after i graduate?!"

i think how i feel about it can best be illustrated by this nice poem by none other than the unfocused, passionate, free-versing, american classic: walt whitman.

A NOISELESS, patient spider,
I mark’d, where, on a little promontory, it stood, isolated;
Mark’d how, to explore the vacant, vast surrounding,
It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself;
Ever unreeling them—ever tirelessly speeding them.	5
And you, O my Soul, where you stand,
Surrounded, surrounded, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing,—seeking the spheres, to connect them;
Till the bridge you will need, be form’d—till the ductile anchor hold;
Till the gossamer thread you fling, catch somewhere, O my Soul.	10

*side note: you need to read this out loud. "filament, filament, filament" and "gossamer" are perhaps the most delicious things to say.

anyway, i'm meeting tomorrow with my sweet, quiet-spirited poetry professor to get some advice on internships etc. i've been thinking about what i'm really wanting to do (post-graduating) all weekend. and well, i just keep coming up empty. i'm like the spider and the soul mentioned. i'm "ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing." it's interesting that my whole life i thought that i would know what's up by now. but man, i am clueless.

that said, i think it's important to be "noiselessly patient" during this time of transition. i think it's okay to be open to whatever may come. it's also important to realize that every decision is a determiner of my future. not only do the big ones matter, but (this part is really nice) because i have a God that is complex as well as caring, the decisions that seem meaningless are intricately integrated into His plan for me. 

this is why i'm making peace with being a noiseless, patient young woman who is casting her gossamer (man, that word) thread while i "explore the vacant, vast surrounding."

and that's that.

as i sit here

as i sit here, on my couch, i am perpending the sensations of wonder that have come during the days that most recently passed (for they have been beautiful days). the sounds of the approaching night are wandering in through the screen door and my mouth tastes of honey-sweet coffee and dark purple muscadines that only arrive at the conclusion of summer.
nothing monumental has been done today, but the momentous nature of the day weighs upon me. i remember feeling an intense fear for the first time this day. i was a small child, still unable to grasp many of the dark emotions that seem to dominate this world. i did not know what hate really was, but i knew, while watching that square television screen, what hate looked like. i didn't know what grief really was, but i knew, while watching my mother cry and hearing my dad's distorted voice on the phone, what grief looked like.
it's crazy to think about the freedom i have on this earth because of the multitude of people that have ended their stories and slept forever for this country.
it's even more bizarre to realize that the physical freedom i have right now, on this couch with my friends so near and the lovely trees outside my window and the satisfaction of a day well-spent, is so pale and small and tenuous compared to how free i really am. one man, who was also God, who was also man, died and felt alone and lived a life despised by many (if not all) people, for this soul of mine. for that soul of yours. and for the two thousand, nine hundred, and ninety-six souls that found themselves without bodies on this day, twelve years ago.

i am free.
you are free.

but we aren't quite yet to the true "sweet land of liberty."
so hold fast.

331b

i am sitting on my bed in a room with terribly sad bare walls and one lovely large window.
it's weird to think about missing a room, but i am going to miss 331b.

this semester has been such a full one. i am glad that it's over, but not in the way i have been glad to be done with semesters in the past. i am not glad that it's over because i'm empty of every emotion. i am not glad that it's over because school had become so stressful or such a huge burden. i am mostly glad that it's over because i know that it's time for me to rest and adventure all summer.

i wish i could rightfully describe all that i've learned this semester.

academically, it has been an interesting time. i took my first three-dimensional art classes this semester and they completely changed my artistic process and thinking. i had a professor that truly treated her students like peers (she called us "fellow scholars") and that encouraged me greatly. i fell in love with a language and was inspired greatly by the lilting sounds of french.

personally, i have been so incredibly blessed. i had the wonderful chance to make some new friends that i now love dearly. i will never look at studying in the cave or going to panera on tuesdays or sharing candy in classrooms quite the same. the people i had only really been acquaintances with last semester became people i could cherish. i also experienced what truly caring for someone is like and how that effects my life.

emotionally, i have been the most stable i've been in years. i'm not even kidding. i cried the first day of this year. i felt the weight of the previous few years creeping back into my heart and it startled me. when i got to school, i felt clueless and aimless and was craving for something completely new. that new thing was being happy. granted, there were times where i was tired, stressed, and confused. there were even a few times i was rather sad. regardless, the happy in my life has been steady. and that is a beautiful thing.

spiritually, i have been at peace. i could write a whole book about how peaceful my heart has been this semester, in spite of new things in my life that could make it unsettled. i would say Christ has been my rock, but that just seems so small. so i'll say He has been my mountain. He has surrounded me with His presence and taught me how to accept love and has filled me with peace.

artistically, this has been an incredibly inspiring time. i have been challenged so much that my whole artistic self/style is shifting. and i love it.

all of those things have been thought about in this room. on this bed. next to this window.
usually with a candle burning or music playing or the sound of David's voice telling me something new about himself. yes, it has been a lovely time in this little room. and that's that.

let's not talk about things that we can break

somethings i've learned lately:

-love is inseparably joined with life. one cannot exist without the other. that's why humans are so unique. we naturally crave and destroy both life and love. crazy right?
-carpe diem. 'nough said.
-sleep becomes something that's a blessing and a curse. i have slept less this semester than ever before.
-you are obviously your harshest critic. cut yourself some slack. it's pretty much beautiful feeling. i have been less hard on myself about grades this semester than ever before and i love it. i am still excelling, but i'm less stressed out about it.
-life is a sucession of present realities. life is always now. alwaysalwaysalways
-there's a difference between being lonely, isolated, and independent. the line between all three is tiny.
-guitar's by far the most comforting instrument ever. to listen to. to play. to look at. to hold.
-the future is always going to be unknown. that's an old truth. but seriously, how often do you find yourself planning?
-night showers are the best way to de-stress before bed ever. that and hot oatmeal. oh the weird rituals you pick up when a student.
-courtney marie andrews is a musical goddess. i knew that already. you probably knew that already. but you know, you can kind of never stop realizing.

okay that's all.

title from this incredible song that you should listen to right now. go ahead and click this sentence. do it. 

journal entry/sometimes

October 30th
sometimes I feel so alive I could be dead.

like some how the blood coursing through me is actually only saltwater and I’m actually some weirdly shaped wave that’s just waiting to crash and wash over some dirty spot on the sidewalk at school.
sometimes I feel so alone that I’m claustrophobic. 

like the air around me is actually full of tons of people waiting until to hurt me or to be hurt because that’s all humans can honestly do to eachother.

sometimes I feel so young that I grow old.

like somehow I am burdened and aged by the fact I know and have lived so much less than I want.
sometimes I feel so cold that I’m burning.

like the rain is actually little bits of fire spreading on my skin and setting flame to the old body, just leaving the new, tender skin of my real self.
sometimes sometimes sometimes.
more like all the time.

all the time I feel dead, claustrophobic, old, and burning.

like somehow I’m going to be fine because I’m just as much of a mess as everyone I know.

that’s all. 

the end.

forty five

mountain fog fills your lungs
ice creeps into your heart
winter is entering intravenously

the trees have shed their skin
the sun has grown thin
November strips the mountain naked

climb to the top
and cast off
the things that you never needed
your eyes have grown old
and your fingers cold
hold onto
the thoughts you've never spoken

white snow is falling fast
it fills your small mouth
and freezes the ends of your eyelashes

the yellow grass on the balds
is beaten by the wind
as she pulls you toward the frigid cliffside

climb to the top
and cast off
the things that you never needed
your eyes have grown old
and your fingers cold
let go

in general, right now.

so I haven't blogged in a while. I mean really blogged.
I guess I talked about camp, so that's partially untrue.

the truth is, I haven't written a lot at all lately.
there have been some things weighing heavily on my mind and even more heavily on my heart.
they've stifled my creative thoughts and caused me to just give up before I've even begun to try.
if you've ever been there, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
if you don't.
well, bless your heart.

anyway, God is incredibly loving. we all know this. but honestly, sometimes He gives us beautiful things that we don't ask for.

like fall break, for instance.

I drove home tired, nervous, and a bit depressed.
I've had a tough time with this semester.
God knew this. He knew I needed to spend time with people I love and who love me.
He knew I needed to let some things go.
He knew that in letting those things go, I would feel more relieved and revived than I've been in two months.
He sent photographs of little Haitians and a good friend who's moving in with me next year and a faithful friend who always loves me (even when I'm being dumb) just to show me that He really, truly loves me.

something else hit me this weekend.

what I'm going to do with my life has always been a mystery. there are some concrete options that I guess I can choose from. and there are these dreams that I cling to and want to choose even though they're not concrete.
since last spring, I have seen these two separate worlds being knit together. all of a sudden, my concrete options and "career paths" are flowing into the dreams. the "real" world is becoming a dreamscape.
I think that's a good thing.
I think God wants us to be dreamers.

I guess this is why I never post actual blog-like posts. I'm always so disjointed and unorganized with my thoughts.

but I guess all this to say I hope that God gives you rest and blessings. and I hope that, even if your "real" life careers and so on are already in existence, you never ever stop dreaming.

three little things.

a newer idea:


the rain it fell from the silver sky
you grabbed my hand and the thunder sounded
we ran down the trail towards and old oak tree
slipping on the stones and the shining leaves


a newer photograph:

a newer favorite song

thirty eight

"iamjusttiredofmissingyou."
the words echo inside my mind
crashing against the walls of my brain
causing my vision to blur and my eyes to smart

iamjusttiredofmissingyoutoo.
tired of having dreams where i feel you with me
i wake up to the sun shining cruelly on me
she reminds me that i am here and you are not

"iamjusttiredofmissingyou."
the words sound as far away from me as you are.

thirty four

august 17 2012

you probably
don't think like me
and if you do and if you do,      
                    that's a misfortune.
because if
you do think like me,
every time you put
meandyoutogether
you over-analyze and pull u  s   a  p  a  r  t until we end in
doom
          and
                despair.
if you think like me,
every time a little ant of a thought of us that's ideal and happy occurs,
your mind squishes it with it's
great    big      rational      thumb.

and moves on.
I think too much.
that's why I'm always
                                    sad.
that's why I'll always be
                                                         lonely.

I've thought enough about my own heart's condition to know that
there is a
       wound in my heart
                         that cannot and
                                          will not be healed.
until I die.
"but you're a happy person" you say.
well I'm happy because that makes you happy and I want to make everyone happy because we're all going to die in the end anyway.
"but you believe in something beyond this life" you say.
I do. I do.
50% of the time
I am
believing and rejoicing.
the other 50%
I wonder
"what's the point"
and
"if I died, would anyone care?"
and
"why don't I just die now?"
and that leads to a spiral
down
          down
                    down.
darkeranddarker.

into a




 deep pit


of self-mind-mutilation that only someone whose mind is built like mine could know.
a mind that thinks
ceaselessyabouteverything.
a mind that knows
that the
                                     one  thing
its heart wants
can never be
seen
felt
kissed
on this great big earth.

so all this to say
Iloveyou

but I
don't expect
                                     satisfaction
fromyou.
it's true.



*the style is shamelessly based on the style of e.e. cummings, who is my favorite*

thirty two/thirty three

thirty two/journal entry from the beach with Jen
(July 30th, 2012)
...God promises "peace like a river" in the end [of Isaiah]. I could not help but think of the coursing waters of the Tennessee River. It is so powerful and beautiful. It's life-giving and it never stops. It cradles those that are upon it and it snuggles with Chattanooga. God's going to give us peace like that.
hallelujah.

thirty three
(this is a snippet of a larger idea that will be expounded upon someday)

an expiring flashbulb in the skies
the bright street lamps and my blinking eyes
the asphalt shifting below a thousand tires
and the smoke rising from the forest fires
this drought of my heart now plaintively crying for rain
expected satisfaction when the thunder came
your arms held me close, but no showers did pour
instead my heart was left as parched as before

twelve

for micah cox.



I looked at the sky last night and guessed which star was you.

you left us all behind yesterday the minute you flew to your father’s arms.

I didn’t know you well.

but I saw you.

I saw you walking and laughing and living. 

then I heard.
I heard that you would walk and laugh and live no more.
my heart broke a bit for those you loved most, for I’m sure that they love you.

I wept because of death and the terrible sadness it brings.

I didn’t weep for you, though.
no you are a bright star, a heavenly thing now.
you are safe.
quite safe from harm.
and you are home.
oh star you will be missed here on earth but ever remembered and admired.
when we see you in the sky.

I want to live a good life.
I want to care so much for others it hurts. (because it will)
I want to love people so much it kills me.

sinister kid

it's astounding to me how okay I am with my own sin.
do I hate my sin?
why yes, I do.
do I want to let go of my sin?
absolutely not.
it's ridiculous.

I've been mulling over something my mother said to me today. We were having one of our many discussions about college and she said something that completely took me by surprise.
She told me I needed to move far away for school.
What.
If you know my mom, you know she dislikes change and loves having her kiddos all around her and loves being at home. If there's anything in the world that I do that she despises-it's galavanting all over. Let me stress that again-she loves having me home. (not that I'm incredible or anything-because I'm not-it's just something she wants for all of her children)

So when she said that I was thrown for quite a loop. (I think that's a saying)
She told me that I was in "a rut" and needed to get out and go.
I told her that I'm pretty content right now and blablabla excuse after excuse.
I even got a little offended that she would presume to say that I'm not the most joyful person on the planet. ha.
Later on, some things hit me:
a. my mother knows what she's talking about.
b. I'm in a rut. I've been in a rut. I've known that, but I haven't done anything real to get out of that rut.

It's true. Last semester was awful and I've been very reactionary with this semester. More than anything, I don't want to be in the same place emotionally, spiritually, or mentally as last semester. But I'm still in the same place, physically. I mean, I still live here, in Chattanooga, and go to Chatt State.
how have I dealt with that?
well, the little sinister kid inside me has reverted to a selfish sort of "escapism". I've skipped class more than ever this semester. Not always (but sometimes) because I'm sick. Just because class is awful and I don't want to go. I've been lazy with my relationships. I've quit trying because it's hard and last semester was hard and I don't want this semester to be hard. (follow my logic?) The result of this whole thing is me just feeling like I'm in a rut and doing superfluous things to get out of that rut. I rationalized all of these things to myself by saying I was "keeping life adventurous" or "taking time for myself". but really, all I've been is selfish. I've dug myself a hole with my selfishness. And, instead of starting to build a ladder to get out of it, I just keep digging.

This isn't a post full of revelations like "and everything is now changed!" or promises like "so from now on, I'm going to be incredibly selfless and sell everything I own and join a convent (that's a bit overkill...)" I don't know what's going to happen. I just know that I'm forgiven, loved, and my mother is wise and I should open my ears more to what she has to say.

Sorry this is so long.
The End.

p.s. the title comes from this song-which actually played a huge part of today and these thoughts and so on.

one thought.

time is not and can never be a crutch.
plan for the future-but act in the present.
"waiting on the world to change" is incredible nonsense.
that's all.

six

the note on my palm simply reads "go."
to the mountains I am called to live among the trees.
I'll never be yours, that's something you should know.
the look upon your face betrays your disbelief.
betrays your disbelief.

my dear, I cannot love another.
my friend, I can't keep loving you.

I'm left with my dark thoughts and pocket watch.
I watch the days pass and quietly grow old.
you're left with your strange ideas and cold young blood.
you still walk the streets with your head hung low.
your head hung low.

my dear, I cannot love another.
my friend, I can't keep loving you.

my dear, I'm bound to this sky and this mountain.
my heart is tied with an earthen string.
so you'd do your best to just move on.
you'd do your best to stop loving me.
please stop loving me.

breathe in. breathe out.

Something I've been thinking about a lot lately is the importance of breath in life.

duh. right?

Yeah, of course breathing is important, but the notion that breath is one of the "givers of life" in our bodies is astounding to me.
During Yoga (which I'm becoming really fond of) our teacher was talking about the importance of breathing in stretching. A steady breath causes a person to be able to relax and stretch up to four times more than a person with a sporadic breathing pattern.
Then while in choir, the teacher was stressing the point of good breathing habits. He spoke of the weak sound of a bad breather in contrast to the full, beautiful sound of a good breather.
While having a mild asthma attack that night, I thought about the comfort a big, long breath brings. It clears the mind.

Then it hit me-the first breath of mankind was directly given by a great, majestic, all-powerful God. Humankind was filled with the "breath of life". How amazing is that?! He decided to form us out of dust (seemingly nothing) and fill us with breath (seemingly nothing) and created mankind.

Just dwell in that today, as you breath in and out. That breath was, and continues to be, quite a lovely gift from God.

come swiftly and run

Bring a torch, Jeanette, Isabella
Bring a torch, come swiftly and run
Christ is born tell the folk of the village
Jesus is sleeping in the manger
Ah, ah, beautiful is the mother
Ah, ah, beautiful is her Son.

Hasten now good folk of the village
Hasten now the Christ-child to see
You will find Him asleep in the manger
Quietly come and whisper softly
Hush, hush, peacefully now He slumbers
Hush, hush, peacefully now He sleeps.

a few late-night thoughts

I've said it over and over again, here and everywhere else: God provides exactly what you need. With finals taking over my life and the bittersweet taste of Nutcracker in my mouth, I spent much of today wondering why I even study. I became overwhelmed with the fact that I don't want to study or take tests or anything. I really just want to sit with friends and really enjoy their company-instead of having a small, mean-spirited, nagging ghost called "Exams" haunting me. I have a huge exam tomorrow. I was thinking about going to bed and just calling it a day, but something, I think my conscience, kicked in and shook me by the shoulders (figuratively, of course. it may be late, but I don't think I'm quite that insane) and said "Mary Emily Vatt. Study. You have the power and wisdom and peace of an eternal God in you. Don't fret. Just do what you do and He'll do what He does in you."

Crazy right?

God provides weird "Aha!" moments when you need them.

He also provides good phone parties, study parties, and gluten free finals snacks.
I am continuously and eternally blessed with the kindness of my friends. I just can't wait until I can completely enjoy them.
Oh well. Time to study some more.

No One's Slate is Clean

Listen.

Today is:

Morning car accidents-don't worry I'm fine. My poor Zachary (my car) isn't.

Courtney Marie serenading me with her best album yet.

Geometric sweaters.

A cold cold walk with a dear friend.

Drawing loneliness.

Rain.

Studying

Cinnamon Dole Latte, Espresso, and Earl Grey Tea.

Panera and Starbucks in one day.

Brotherly encouragement. I am so grateful for my dear brothers.

Tired, exasperated giggles.

An Aussie in Panera explaining to his American girlfriend/wife/fiance 's family how to pronounce "Aussie". Adorable.

Soup twice in one day.

More Studying.

Reading encouraging Psalms and chapters of Isaiah. There is nothing as restoring as reading the Bible.

More Studying.

both my eyes are fading

Tonight is:

Almost getting sick from the smell of lacquer thinner

Having paint and ink and graphite and charcoal all over myself

Fleet Foxes, Ray LaMontagne and The Civil Wars

Drawing without a real clue what it all means

Popcorn

Purple sweatshirt that says "Life is a series of ups and downs"

Sniffles

Dry coughs

Cranberry Sierra Mist

Open windows

How to transfer images with lacquer thinner:

You can use any image, just know that the older the image and heavier the paper, the less likely it's going to work. (also, note that the transferred image is going to be a mirror of the original-so words with be backwards and such). Place the image face down on the surface you want to transfer it to. Apply lacquer thinner (the fumes are awful, so make sure to do this outside or with lots of ventilation). Rub with back of spoon or a burnishing tool. The effect is sort of a cool, sketchy looking image. (You can kind of see it in the top photograph)

p.s. title lyric