I have never been a fan of summer...

Don't get me wrong, I have always loved what has taken place in summer-camp, no school, travel, sleep, berries, fresh tomatoes, lightened hair, freckles on faces, endless nights, etc. But this summer is teaching me to love the season as a whole.

I have been living in Boring, OR for a few months now, but I feel I am finally coming alive here. The clear, sunny days followed by sleepy rainy days followed by cold windy days is probably my favorite weather. Guess what? That is summer here. The mornings are so cold and the evenings tepid. There is enough gloominess that the buoyancy of the afternoon heat doesn't get a gal down.

Today, while tackling a patch of overgrown brush (with hand tools) in the June heat, I felt a rich thankfulness rise up in me. I can only describe the feeling as a smooth surety.

The past year has held a lot of unanswered questions for me. After graduating, I moved three times before traveling across the country. I had three different jobs. I got engaged, endured more long distance, said my goodbyes, moved to Oregon, watched my most loved person/fiance´of all time grieve loss, answered two calls having to do with said person in a car accident, spent my birthday on an uncomfortable faux leather chair in the trauma ward, commuted so long to go to a job that was draining (at best), and all the while, my prayers began and ended in questions. I finally quit my job without knowing what was next the beginning of this past month. Fortunately, I was hired as a nanny/farmhand for a small family in a neighboring town the day after my last day.

The question "what do I want to be doing right now?" was answered.

The farm is small, but the large property is wildly overgrown with beautiful, pesky green things. The girls I usually watch have been at camp this week, so I have been slowly helping tasks get crossed off the list. I have used my hands to nurture life, hack down weeds, enjoy farm fresh veggies for lunch, harvested wild herbs to (hopefully) make my own medicine, and gotten more sunburnt than I remember getting in the last five years. After my work was done for the day, I stood barefoot in the terrace garden. Earth was all around me and I felt capable, loved, and fulfilled. I am re-learning who I am and who I want to be. To be honest, I am thrilled at what is being revealed.

All my questions may not be answered, but the Lord is so good. He blesses richly and His coming is as sure as the dawn. What more do I need than this and Oregon sunshine?

Today is coffee day

...and I'm getting a little sentimental.

I am currently sipping on an excessively frothy cinnamon latte. There is not one way that I don't like coffee. Strong and black during the chilly mornings at a campsite or milky and sweet on cool autumn afternoons. Coffee retains its perfection. Never failing and always full of hope. Coffee is much like love.

I don't know how you drink your coffee, but I would encourage you to explore the many facets of the most lovely and bold beverage this earth has to offer.

Here's to you, coffee.

A sappy post about trees.

I have been living in Chattanooga for almost a month now. I am working long hours, budgeting my time, pretending to budget my money, and the purple dye that graced my hair during the bliss of summer has almost completely faded. It is so strange to be a functioning adult who is worried about car troubles, insurance, and following plans. People all around me are studying at school and making lofty statements about the adventures they're going to have after they graduate and I'm like "Oh yeah, I remember that." I can hear younger me saying "I'm never going to move back home" or "I'm not looking to ever go back to Chattanooga."

When I was a teenager, I would hang my hammock up at the Riverpark almost everyday. While listening to the water move, I would stare up at the tall pines and wish to be like them. I thought that success and beauty looked like those trees: tall, strong, and evergreen. Imagine my dismay when I did not ever grow taller than 5'2", stopped exercising, and faced some particularly sad times.

Humans are not pine trees. They are fruit trees. They grow however tall they need to be, they face seasons, and some of their branches break under the pressure of living. What is supremely lovely about this? Sometimes the branches of a healthy fruit tree are so laden with blooms and sweet things that they hang low-so low to the ground that they can see their beginning.

The reality is, I'm here in Chattanooga and I'm living at my parent's house. I am "getting back to my roots," as they say. However, through running familiar trails, driving old roads, and seeing those friendly mountains, I have been brought tremendous joy. My fruits and blooms have brought me to this place again. I get to spend a prosperous and lush season here, all the while resting in the hope of future growth.

Begin again

Between a crowded dining hall and monsoon-like rain, the last couple weeks have been unique. I will do my best to describe them concisely:

The week I spent in Beaufort was probably one of the most joyful weeks of my relationship with David. The beach was beautiful and many smiles (and macarons) were had. We walked the southern gothic streets of Savannah, people-watched at Hilton Head, and ate delicious food by the river. So many sweet conversations happened. Honestly, it was just fun to really spend time with my best friend. Driving away was the hardest because this is summer number three of long distance for us.

I pulled up to Cedar Lake Camp feeling jittery. The stars were perfect, the evening air was chilled, and some of the best people were gathered around a fire. I realized then that this summer would be a new experience. Police Camp had an incredible amount of campers and I spent more time in the camp kitchen than ever. The loud, stressful days gave me pause and when I drove towards Chattanooga friday night, I really wasn't sure if being at camp was a good choice for me.

Last saturday, I helped my brother film a vietnamese wedding. The couple was beautiful and I hope that they are enjoying being newlyweds...However, Jonathan and I couldn't understand what was going on the majority of the day. We also ate some crazy stuff.

When I returned to camp on sunday, I was exhausted. I could not have been less ready for other staff to get there. A semi-quiet afternoon with Hannah at Common Grounds helped calm my spirit. The week was restful and buzzed with anticipation. Early morning runs with Hannah, quiet talks with friends, getting to edit a semester's worth of poetry, and a few days of cold rain created a stillness in me that I have craved since last year. I received a package from David on the day of his surgery and fell a little bit more in love with him as I ate pretty purple macarons he made himself. The training week concluded with prayer, worship, and more prayer on the porch.

I get my first cabin of the summer tomorrow and I'm staying in the first cabin I ever stayed in (five years ago). In spite of the symmetry of being in Big Elk and having 11-12 year old girls, this summer is feeling like a new start.

life-iversary

I'm already running late for my class, so I'll make this quick.
It is sometimes unsettling how ironic life can be. With all the stress of my show (that is a whole separate story) and not getting sleep, I completely ignored the most thoughtful day of the year.
Usually, on the first weekend or so of November, I take a day to pray and thank God for my life. I tend to write something on that day as well. I guess this is my belated thoughtful day. 

I have grappled with death for most of my young life. The comfort of it allures me and the endless pressure of being alive exhausts me. A few years ago, near the first weekend of November, I was ready. I was selfish and wanting to be done. But I was stopped. Not by a fire, not by a storm, not by a wind or an earthquake. I was stopped by a gentle whisper. He whispered "Live" and breathed His peace into me.

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of putting up an installation centering around the idea of abundance and human reaction to overgrowth. It explored how too much of something and living life trying to be in control often leads to extinguishing joy.  In hindsight, it makes so much sense that would be on my "life-iversary." I tried to control my life and it almost led me straight to death.

I want to encourage you to live with open hands. Receive the love, blessings, and peace that come from knowing Jesus. Life will not be easy to live. However, you will have a hope to hold on to.
And that will make all the difference.

on summer,choices, and other things.

i thought this summer was going to be a relaxing summer.

oh how naive i was.

i literally had no idea what i was getting myself into when i started taking summer classes. i thought "oh i'm going to read and learn french and then have the rest of the day to do whatever i want!"...yeah that's not the case.
that especially became evident to me this week when i started at work. i mean, i am beyond happy about having a job (after applying to 30+different places...) it just means that i will have even less free time than before. that said, i think it's a really good summer to learn the value of hard work and cultivate my ability to make choices with my responsibilities and well-being in mind. because i work a morning job, i have to go to sleep earlier than i have in a long time. because i have papers to write, i have to find a place i can focus and get them done quickly (preferably a few days before the deadline...no procrastinating in the summer). because i have new french homework everyday, i have to make time for it everyday.
consequently, it's been interesting to see what "free time" looks like when you legitimately don't have any. i have begun to value gym time more and i love that after i shower, i have about thirty minutes where i just sit on the porch with the cat and breathe. being alone hasn't been as much as a concern as being healthy/happy. and honestly, i think that's a gift from God.
there's been a lot said about making choices. there have been whole books written about how the wrong choices can destroy your life or whatever. but i guess what i'm getting to see first-hand is how making right choices can bless your life. i really do have free will. i have to make the choice about all the busy aspects of my life. it is my call whether or not i'm going to make the right or wrong one. i am given complete freedom to make mistakes and i know that. but man, when i make the choice to go to bed, run another lap, learn concepts thoroughly, or wake up a little earlier for work so that i can have time with Jesus, the blessings are enough of an incentive to get me to keep going down that straight and narrow way.
so yeah, i guess this summer hasn't been relaxing. it really has been difficult thus far. but it's been peaceful. and that's enough for me.

it's all right.

today has already established itself as a "me" day. that sounds/reads a little ridiculous, but it's the truth. i slept in for the second day in a row. i awoke to grey rainy light and the realization that i don't have anything planned today. i did yoga in the den (of the den...it's like a den-ception) and the woman on the video kept saying this "you deserve the love you give others." i kind of dismissed it as mumbo-jumbo, but there is a little bit of truth in that. i proceeded to make a late brunch while listening to sam cooke. it's been a good morning.
today is apart of a bigger event that i have named "the great week of catharsis" because this is an important transition week full of letting go and welcoming. this is the first week david and i are long distance (the first of fourteen), the week before i start summer classes, the week to re-organize my life and finances now that the storm of spring 2014 is over, and the week before the gym opens up again. all of those things shape my life and my schedule. it's nice to set them aside and just focus on releasing the stress and tension this year has accumulated already. i have exercised my body and mind only when i've felt like it, i have been drinking enough water, and i have been spending adequate time with my Savior.
i have complained a lot on here about how i have been defeated and very unloving to myself. my personal construction is not conducive to being easy on myself. i have spent as long as i can remember trying to exceed expectations to the point of tears and illness. this past semester, i tried to let go of a lot of that. i knew i was not doing well in any area of my life, so i thought "forget this" and tried to just coast through school. i worked hard, but i never felt like i was excelling. my mom finally sat me down and said "just get c's and be happy. i'd rather that than you get a's and be miserable." so i kind of took that and ran with it. i still wasn't quite happy, but i skipped class and turned things in when i thought they were finished (even if they really weren't). when i was going to check my final grades on monday, i expected to see at least a few c's and a few b's. it turns out, i got better grades this spring than i have in the last year. i guess the lesson here is sometimes it is so healthy to let yourself go, so to speak.

it seems almost silly to let a thing like grades delegate your feelings, but somethings in my heart and mind shifted when i saw them. it was like Jesus was crooning to me (much like sam cooke):
"It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, honey, it's all right, as long as I know, long as I know that you love Me, baby, it's all right."

i guess that's what i've been learning during this "great week of catharsis" and been mulling over this "me" day.

snow

i have not written in so long. maybe someday soon i'll be able to tell the story of why.

for now, i just want to talk about snow.
i am sitting in my little den and my fellow foxes are in the kitchen making cookies. there are paper snowflakes hanging from the ceiling. there is an incredible whiteness all around the trees and bushes outside. there is a candle burning and music playing. school was cancelled and all is well.

snow is such a friendly word. it is the equivalent to comfort and peace in my mind. i want my heart to really be white as snow. it is pure and unfettered in the way it falls. snowflakes don't know where they are going and no one cares. i think that's what i love best about snow. it is unassuming and simple and well-liked (unless you're driving...but that's not my point). i find i can relate to a snowflake right now. i can count on one hand the things i am sure of in this life: the people i love, the God who loves me, and the beautiful hope that gives me.

how i see my present and my future is much like how a snowflake falls. i am unsure one day to the next where i will be, how i will feel, how rested my eyes will look, if i will be sad, or if i'll remember to lock the door when i leave. it's terribly silly on that scale, and no one really minds. but this morning, while listening to a man with a funny voice lecture about abstract expressionism, i realized it is already almost february. i realized i will be twenty one in a few short weeks. i don't know where i'll be (for sure) this summer. i will be graduating within the year.

and i just don't know what i'm doing with all of those things. i am a little snowflake just drifting and it's kind of comforting.

all at once i knew, i was not magnificent

i hate feeling weak.
whether it is a physical or a mental or a spiritual or an emotional shortcoming, it doesn't matter. i still hate it. Thanksgiving was a lovely time with my family and friends and rest, but my weakness became more and more apparent. my inability to rightly deal with disappointments and my own sin mounted until the night before i left to come back to Johnson City.
when i could no longer handle it i laid in my dark, warm bedroom and i cried. that frustrated me further and made me feel even weaker. so (of course) i fought the tears valiantly. but even then i lost. instead of sobbing for a few minutes and being done with it, i laid for four hours with my throat tight, my eyes burning, and a small pool of tears accumulating on my pillow.
on the drive back to school, the sun rose. the moon hung silvery and crescent-shaped. there were stars in the dark blue sky along with the rose-colored signs of dawn.
it was breathtaking.
then all at once i knew, i was not magnificent. i am weak.. i am foolish and irrational and it is so good/painful to be reminded of that. but that is how it is supposed to be. if i was strong and wise and perfect i wouldn't be in desperate need of saving.
so i guess what i am saying is this post-thanksgiving season has gotten me thinking about what i am thankful for. presently, i am so grateful for this:


      But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise;God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
- 1st Corintians 1:26-31


God chooses the weak. the foolish. even the despised.
and gifts them with strength. with wisdom. with redemption.

and turns them into something glorious.

that's totally worthy of gratitude.

because i do not want to do statistics homework on this friday morning

my focus is split:

(my mind is sizzling sizzling simmering simmering
two halves of grey matter always straining separate ways.)

i am here at this table
typing on my expensive equipment and
drinking average coffee from a non-descript mug.
i am in a ravine filled with gravel and railroad ties,
trying to be still enough
to make sense of what is to come.

the trees blowing in the wind clatter and shatter
the silence i long for
as they beat the tall dirt walls that encompass me.
the voices in the coffeeshop,
the dishes chinking, clinking
the little girl jumping into the squares of linoleum,
all remind me of the chaos of solitude.

my textbooks (sitting in front of me) tried to teach me
everything i needed to know
about this
about being caught and tangled in
the swift current of time and space and psychoanalysis and friendships and lovers and religion and clay caught between my fingers and cuts and abstracts and music and laughter and life and death.

but they didn't know.

they didn't know that within one person is two minds.
they didn't know that i would die to live longer and live to die later.
they didn't know that my heart was dark from the beginning and only made light by what they called "spirituality"

they didn't know.
and yet and yet and yet
i trusted them with my dark heart and my fractured mind.
i waited for them to tell me how to write and what to think
and paid them tremendously for it.
i have sacrificed my rest and my peace to them,
o those gods of academia,
and now knowing when this intellectual purgatory will end

i am lost.

may His beauty rest upon me.

i feel like i always have things i want to write about, but i never get the time to really sit down and write. much of my time is spent doing school which is draining and interesting and i never quite feel like i'm done. but that's alright.
this week i have felt so many blessings. blessings in my relationships, blessings in academics, and blessings in things like feeling made beautiful and loved by my Savior.
last weekend, i brought david home to meet the family (talk about a strange experience) and it was all sunshine and meeting people and seeing loved ones. during church we sang a hymn that touched my heart so deeply. it's been my anthem all semester and i haven't even known it. katie barclay wilkinson gave me words to quantify what i've been feeling as of late.

and it's perfect:

May the mind of Christ my Savior
Live in me from day to day,
By His love and pow’r controlling
  All I do and say.

May the Word of Christ dwell richly
In my heart from hour to hour,
So that all may see I triumph
  Only through His pow’r.

May the peace of Christ my Savior
Rule my life in every thing,
That I may be calm to comfort
  Sick and sorrowing.

May the love of Jesus fill me,
As the waters fill the sea;
Him exalting, self abasing,
  This is victory.

May I run the race before me,
Strong and brave to face the foe,
Looking only unto Jesus
  As I onward go.

May His beauty rest upon me
As I seek the lost to win,
And may they forget the channel,
  Seeing only Him.

-Katie Barclay Wilkinson.

as i sit here

as i sit here, on my couch, i am perpending the sensations of wonder that have come during the days that most recently passed (for they have been beautiful days). the sounds of the approaching night are wandering in through the screen door and my mouth tastes of honey-sweet coffee and dark purple muscadines that only arrive at the conclusion of summer.
nothing monumental has been done today, but the momentous nature of the day weighs upon me. i remember feeling an intense fear for the first time this day. i was a small child, still unable to grasp many of the dark emotions that seem to dominate this world. i did not know what hate really was, but i knew, while watching that square television screen, what hate looked like. i didn't know what grief really was, but i knew, while watching my mother cry and hearing my dad's distorted voice on the phone, what grief looked like.
it's crazy to think about the freedom i have on this earth because of the multitude of people that have ended their stories and slept forever for this country.
it's even more bizarre to realize that the physical freedom i have right now, on this couch with my friends so near and the lovely trees outside my window and the satisfaction of a day well-spent, is so pale and small and tenuous compared to how free i really am. one man, who was also God, who was also man, died and felt alone and lived a life despised by many (if not all) people, for this soul of mine. for that soul of yours. and for the two thousand, nine hundred, and ninety-six souls that found themselves without bodies on this day, twelve years ago.

i am free.
you are free.

but we aren't quite yet to the true "sweet land of liberty."
so hold fast.

rest, relationships, routine. a short exploration of themes in my life lately.

(because i haven't had time to reflect on the last two weeks and i have so much going on in my head)

rest:
the last couple of weeks have been so full of rest. the spiritual kind of rest came first. hiking with my brother and his brother-in-law in the smokies was the perfect end to the crazy adventure that was this summer. i got to spend time sitting in the quiet, foggy mountains and i reveled in the stillness and the quiet. i listened to the rain while soft praises spilled out of my heart. when i arrived to my apartment, i was still so exhausted. this summer definitely left me feeling drained. it was a good kind of drained, though. the kind of tired that only comes from too much fun and love and singing and laughter. the transition week here was spent watching Gilmore Girls (SO MUCH Gilmore Girls), eating, laughing, and sleeping. jessica and i probably spent 90% of the week in leggings on the couch or in our bunks or complimenting each other. it was a good physical rest.

relationships:
humans are relational creatures. we need people loving us, challenging us, pushing us. we just need people. God placed that longing for community in us. and it has been a joy to live in that community. having jessica so close all the time is probably too much fun for me to handle. i am living with two stunning individuals who are intelligent and Godly, for sure. i also was able to experience the unique/overwhelming excitement of seeing david again for the first time in years...well months. but still. it was crazy-wonderful. i also have been loving the whole "getting to hang out with david almost all the time" thing. all that to say, it's incredible how good God can be to a girl like me.

routine:
i love to try to rebel against routine, but i just can't. it is fact. i am a creature of habit. a schedule looks so appealing right now and it's nice to just kind of find satisfaction in that. the impending doom of projects, jobs, money problems (which are inevitable-i'm a college student, yo), conflicts, and complications can all be written out and organized in my little purple planner. and although there will be variations in those plans (i'm still a pretty spontaneous individual), the waking up and the coffee and the classes will remain steadfast.

331b

i am sitting on my bed in a room with terribly sad bare walls and one lovely large window.
it's weird to think about missing a room, but i am going to miss 331b.

this semester has been such a full one. i am glad that it's over, but not in the way i have been glad to be done with semesters in the past. i am not glad that it's over because i'm empty of every emotion. i am not glad that it's over because school had become so stressful or such a huge burden. i am mostly glad that it's over because i know that it's time for me to rest and adventure all summer.

i wish i could rightfully describe all that i've learned this semester.

academically, it has been an interesting time. i took my first three-dimensional art classes this semester and they completely changed my artistic process and thinking. i had a professor that truly treated her students like peers (she called us "fellow scholars") and that encouraged me greatly. i fell in love with a language and was inspired greatly by the lilting sounds of french.

personally, i have been so incredibly blessed. i had the wonderful chance to make some new friends that i now love dearly. i will never look at studying in the cave or going to panera on tuesdays or sharing candy in classrooms quite the same. the people i had only really been acquaintances with last semester became people i could cherish. i also experienced what truly caring for someone is like and how that effects my life.

emotionally, i have been the most stable i've been in years. i'm not even kidding. i cried the first day of this year. i felt the weight of the previous few years creeping back into my heart and it startled me. when i got to school, i felt clueless and aimless and was craving for something completely new. that new thing was being happy. granted, there were times where i was tired, stressed, and confused. there were even a few times i was rather sad. regardless, the happy in my life has been steady. and that is a beautiful thing.

spiritually, i have been at peace. i could write a whole book about how peaceful my heart has been this semester, in spite of new things in my life that could make it unsettled. i would say Christ has been my rock, but that just seems so small. so i'll say He has been my mountain. He has surrounded me with His presence and taught me how to accept love and has filled me with peace.

artistically, this has been an incredibly inspiring time. i have been challenged so much that my whole artistic self/style is shifting. and i love it.

all of those things have been thought about in this room. on this bed. next to this window.
usually with a candle burning or music playing or the sound of David's voice telling me something new about himself. yes, it has been a lovely time in this little room. and that's that.

forget you

The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether.
-c.s. lewis

lately life has been too beautiful for me to spend much time writing about it. i have been overwhelmed with love, joy, and peace. it's a fairly new thing for me to be consistently happy and the experience has been wonderful so far.

i ran across that quote (above) this morning while welcoming a new week and drinking black coffee. i whispered "oh clive, how true." and furiously underlined it with a marker. the context of the quote is a chapter on Pride in Mere Christianity. Lewis speaks of Pride as the chief vice of man and he says that one who is really aware of Christ's love and grace cannot have an all-consuming Pride.

there is something sort of stunning about that statement. the transforming nature of love is so powerful and real. when we begin to accept and believe that we are loved and wanted by a God who knows absolutely everything about us, our sense of self-worth becomes obsolete. we forget about who we think we should be and all we see is love. this isn't easy. and it's so gradual. but when you get a glimpse of yourself through that filter, it's a strong and beautiful thing that is not easily forgotten.

so yeah, through love comes humility.
isn't that nice?

willow springs park

she thought to herself / "we're tremendously young" / as the sun shown bright upon his face / three small children flew their kites / they ran past the hill / panting and laughing simultaneously.


she thought to herself / "is this what love is like?" / as he wrote a note in his textbook / a family threw a football a few yards away / the mother spoke harshly to her children.


she said audibly / "you make me smile" / as he held her head in his hands / the clouds ran away and exposed a rich blue sky / it towered above all the mountains that they could see.


he proclaimed out loud / "oh I just love you!" / as she kissed him softly on the eyes / they were graceful in the sun / they were joyful under the blue and the kites / with the harsh mother and gentle mountains nearby.

this kind [or how i'm never prepared]

there's not a lot i can tell you now / that you don't already know / no new ideas of faithfulness / all i hope is for us to grow

the sun caressed your face / with a golden grace / and the wind made us shudder / your hands in my hair / assured me that you were there / oh my heart / it wasn't prepared for this kind of weather

the candle-warmed nights in my bedroom / all of my half-completed sculptures / and your lovely laughing lips / oh they are gentle reminders of our youth

the moon caressed your face / with a silver grace / and the wind made us shudder / your hands in my hair / assured me that you were there / oh my heart / it wasn't prepared for this kind of weather

that time we walked together  / hoping to see the stars / i touched your hand twice as i fell / into you so deep and far

the snow caressed your face / with purity and grace / and the wind made us shudder / your hands in my hair / assured me that you were there / oh my heart / it wasn't prepared for this kind of weather

today was spent thinking about micah cox

micah cox died last year. i didn't know him well. i barely knew him really, but the fact that he walked past me one day and was gone the next is still unsettling.
it's unsettling because i knew the moment he was gone what real fear was like.

i distinctly remember hearing the news. i grew cold and hot and could barely process the words i was hearing. i remember looking at jen sitting on my bed and thanking God that she was there. i remember walking outside in the cold, damp march night. i walked up the hill and sat and looked at the stars while i gasped back tears. i remember thinking of each member of micah's family and trying to think about what they were going through. i remember walking back into my room and hanging some flowers i had picked from my light.

there's still one flower left in my room at home. it's almost dust now, but it's there.

there is a tremendous quote by c.s. lewis. he says "no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear".
it wasn't until my grandfather died (a few short weeks later) that i realized that what was washing over me a year ago.

that crippling fear is also enabling. it enabled me to see the triviality of life and how foolishly i lived and how little i loved. it enabled me to change. and it enabled me to be broken enough for God's love to fill in the cracks.

so i guess i'm just trying to say that, in a sense, no one is really ever fully gone, even when they are dead. their life always matters and molds someone else's.


how incredible is that?

twenty. vingt. veinte.

i promised myself i wouldn't write this post.
i literally said out loud "yeah that'd be too sentimental."

but here i am.

i don't really have a lot to say. except that i feel incredibly odd/blessed to now be in the magical decade known as "my twenties".
as my heart and mind grows up, i'm starting to realize the significance of age. how certain years really are important. even though your whole life matters.
nineteen was just what i expected it to be: unexpected. nothing made sense last year. nothing. even in hindsight, most of it is still confusing. my decisions were irrational for most of my nineteenth year and the consequences were mostly more confusion...not direct punishment.

i think if i could categorize my nineteenth year with a word it would be "aimless".  don't get me wrong. last year had a purpose and my God is always always faithful. what i did last year mattered. what i'm saying is, i thought so much about everything last year, that i didn't have time to really think about anything. (okay, i know that sounds seriously mental, but it really makes sense...) my own neurotic tendencies completely shattered the possibility of my experiencing life in a healthy way. i just wandered in and out of different situations and circumstances like a wounded animal without a home.

so twenty is here now. nothing changes overnight, but i really would like to be able to turn my mind off, so to speak. i would like to stop thinking about everything all the time and just come back to the fundamental facts that i'm alive and have a heart that is beating and a God that is sovereign. i would like to stop rationalizing anything and everything into the ground. i would like to be more trusting and less cynical. i'd like to get better at loving people without fear of disappointment/of being disappointing. most of all, i would like to love Jesus so much more and so much fuller than i have. love Him to the point that i can accept things and stop trying to create my own scenarios where everything works out...or where everything fails.

so yeah. i'm twenty. this is a new decade. and it's going to be the best one i've lived yet.
right?
right.

quiet

an expiring flashbulb
in the skies
the bright street lamps
and my blinking eyes
the asphalt shifting below a thousand tires
and the smoke rising from the forest fires
this drought of my heart
now plaintively crying for rain
expected satisfaction
when the thunder came 
your arms held me close
but no showers did pour
instead my heart was left
as parched as before
so fill me with your emptiness
the kind i think i want
while this land becomes drier still
while i tell myself i can't
because in the arms of a near-stranger it suddenly becomes clear

my masochistic tendencies are created by an insatiable fear

a fear of a love that comes
quiet
like the rain

a fear of a love that comes
quiet
like the rain