and you don't know why

i lack organization skills and i have a terrible logical flow.
so i'm going to split this post into two stories that come to one conclusion about my generation and society at large.
i hope that's alright.

A. last night, i had the incredible privilege to see five bands play that i know and respect on a college campus. they were all very talented in their own right, and i enjoyed them immensely.
the highlight of the night for me, though, was listening to my long-time favorite, night beds.

winston yellen sauntered onto the stage and my anticipation grew. he was obviously nervous (and slightly intoxicated) but as soon as he began to sing, that didn't matter. there is a vulnerability and a power to yellen's music that is almost prayer-like. his rhythms tend to be deeply rooted .if his music could lean into any genres it would be old-style country or jazz. that said, there is something intensely spiritual and introspective about his work, regardless of his broken worldview.

so he's up there, singing us soft songs about love and darkness and isolation. the words are piercing and relatable. i took a look around me, and the majority of the students there had blank expressions on their faces and looked like could not care less. stuff like that slays me.

B. last week, i was driving home to open for my largest musical inspiration (courtney marie andrews).  i was obviously nervous (but not intoxicated...just didn't want that parallel to yellin to cause any confusion) so i listened to the radio all the way to chattanooga. i generally stick to npr, the classical station, or oldies when i do turn on my radio. but this time, i just put on the "mainstream" music.

it was almost incredible to me that, song after song, what was being expressed (under a disguise of whiny voices and identical musical structures) was always apathy and despair and a longing for sexual satisfaction. those things all go hand-in-hand. those kinds of emptinesses (that's probably not a word) all point to Christ. and no one can see that. stuff like that slays me.

both of these stories are stark pictures of my generation (and society at large). we are a generation that suffers from intense isolation (due to whatever thing you want to blame it on) and a loose understanding of love and friendship. we are afraid to care about anything (like the students i mentioned) because we are afraid of being rejected from our peer group and becoming an unloved outcast. we are afraid to care about soulful things because we know that if we look long enough, we will see our weaknesses. we are afraid to be sober because we know that, in an a state aware of pain, we will be sad. we are afraid to be alone, but also afraid to be committed to loving someone else. we are afraid to do all these things. so we become sketch-like renditions of humans with hearts instead of the real deal.

the saddest thing about all of this, is that none of it is new. we are living in an ecclesiastical world where everything, even my life or your life, is a vapor. and when we live without the empowering love of Christ and the enabling grace of God and the inspiring fire of the Holy Spirit, it is indeed a vapid life.

the most joyous thing about all of this, is that we don't have to be apathetic and despondent. we have the choice (what a beautiful word) to commit to something real. it is a scary choice, so scary that many turn away from it, but it is the best one.

the lyrics to one song by night beds are:

when the sorrow comes,
and you don't know why,
come into my arms.
i'll hold you through the night.
and in the morning light,
we'll be sure to find
a kind of love so strong
it will make us cry faithful heights.

i know you get lost sometimes, man
i know you get lost.
i know you get lost sometimes, man
i know you get lost.
whenever you get lost, man
whenever you get lost, man
whenever you get lost, man
whenever you get lost 
hold my hand.

yellen usually performs this song without music. his voice rises up like a plaintive prayer.
this song is like what Jesus calls out to us. He assures us that when the sorrow comes and we don't know why, He alone is the one to hold us. He leads us to a powerful love. He brings us to our knees.

but until you or i or anyone else acknowledges that He is there and He is love and He is all,

we are lost.

don't choose to live a small, a frightened, and an aimless life, there is so much in this world (and infinitely more in the spiritual world) to actually care about.

Pisces

your love's like a cool breeze
i'm staring at the fish swimming above me
mud clings to my knees
i'm painted silver by the moon

you laugh at my nonsense
and kiss me on the mouth
light ripples behind Notius
as she swiftly swims south

i'm growing out my gills
so i can join my friends
i sigh as you look up
we watch them glisten

i hear you breathe as i dream
that i'm swimming with the stars
i'd try to reach that ocean
but i know it's much too far

Boreus soars northward
but you stay close to me
there's a cord that binds them
with Kullat Nunu shimmering

you're growing out your gills
so you can join your friends
you sigh as i look up
we watch them glisten

quiet

an expiring flashbulb
in the skies
the bright street lamps
and my blinking eyes
the asphalt shifting below a thousand tires
and the smoke rising from the forest fires
this drought of my heart
now plaintively crying for rain
expected satisfaction
when the thunder came 
your arms held me close
but no showers did pour
instead my heart was left
as parched as before
so fill me with your emptiness
the kind i think i want
while this land becomes drier still
while i tell myself i can't
because in the arms of a near-stranger it suddenly becomes clear

my masochistic tendencies are created by an insatiable fear

a fear of a love that comes
quiet
like the rain

a fear of a love that comes
quiet
like the rain

polaris (A/B)

falling asleep
the sounds of lovers above me
and the rain hitting my window

i think of you
your face in the daylight
and the way you would react to things unsaid

oh this holding onto nothing
this grief
this sorrow
i thought i'd be spared because i am young

but you drifted away from me
no longer in proximity
with hopes that i have had
and songs i've sung

two silent stars
burn into my back
marking where i last felt your kiss

can there be anything
between knowing
and not knowing me
a twilight of acquaintance
where we'll meet

those two stars will sing again
and i promise the moon won't look
while we repair
each other's hearts

so i listen to lovers
lovers and the rain
the clouds cover my body
oh my heart
and my guidance is gone

fifty

the celestial boy that was told by his father to become human to die and wanted to because he loved us so

or

the true meaning of christmas


the little babe
with the songs of angels
ringing in his little ears
they are whispering
"death will bring forth life
and love and
joy and peace"

the little lamb
saving men
with his blood
and selfless love
you will bless and cleanse
our filthy hearts

we love you Jesus
for being born
for being perfect
and suffering greatly
and carrying darkness
to the grave
carrying darkness
to the grave
the grave

ah baby boy
choosing to die
we celebrate you
with silent night
and candlelight
and white snowmen
and chestnuts roasting

now christmas is here
proclaiming joy
caused by the death
of the baby boy
in the mangers
in our living rooms
and law-firm lobbies
and department stores

we love you Jesus
for being born
for being love
for bringing peace
for killing death
and giving life
giving life
life

post script: just a reminder that i am fully aware of two things: 1) i am shamelessly copying sufjan by using really long and depressing titles 2) i know there's more than three weeks left in the year. i swear i don't know how my counting was so off.

electrical apocalypse

i could not stay awake
though the large earth quaked
and your voice came down to meet me

my eyes closed slowly
"hold me if you love me"
were the last words i heard you speak

remember the road east from nashville,
the morning in our eyes?
you wrote me love songs
while i told you lies

we thought "this will be forever
we thought the end would wait
now we're stumbling together
as the
electric
sun
breaks.

forty five

mountain fog fills your lungs
ice creeps into your heart
winter is entering intravenously

the trees have shed their skin
the sun has grown thin
November strips the mountain naked

climb to the top
and cast off
the things that you never needed
your eyes have grown old
and your fingers cold
hold onto
the thoughts you've never spoken

white snow is falling fast
it fills your small mouth
and freezes the ends of your eyelashes

the yellow grass on the balds
is beaten by the wind
as she pulls you toward the frigid cliffside

climb to the top
and cast off
the things that you never needed
your eyes have grown old
and your fingers cold
let go

forty three

while staring out the large window this afternoon:


the raindrops on the window
are making the world look wrong

there’s a crumpled leaf in my filthy hand
faded words are written on it
words I don’t understand

there was dirt on the carpeted ground today
and old black tea in the new brown pot

the autumn mountains exhaled its smoke

as I ran to meet the evening

as I ran to the arms of a dying oak


you once told me that everyone’s alone

that we think we have love but we don’t

that the seed of solitude was once and forever sown

that there’s no good man that can atone

for everything

for everything we’ve done.


the sky turned yellow before it went dark

my feet were cold from the aging dew

your thin face appeared in the thinning clouds

with my eyes shut tight and my heart wide open

you were wrong you were wrong I began to shout



there’s a stone where you sleep

it says that you lived but that’s not true

you were dead the day you were born

I untied the black ribbon from around my neck

and laid it amongst the lady fern



you once told me that everyone’s alone

that we think we have love but we don’t

that the seed of solitude was once and forever sown

that there’s no good man that can atone

for everything

for everything we’ve done



with my eyes shut tight and my heart wide open


you were wrong you were wrong



now I know that no one is alone

that we are loved wildly by a force unknown

that flowers of hope have already been grown

that there was a good man that did atone

for everything

for everything we’ve done

no good heart

i've found myself in a constant state of need lately.

something written recently:

your coat hanger is empty

your worn hat is gone

your steps are slow and heavy

and your face is calm

you walk amongst the trees
into a clearing in the wood
you drop down to your knees

and cry “my heart is no good.”

i won’t pretend to call you stranger

when i see your face

i won’t pretend to call you friend

when i accept your embrace

i won’t pretend to call you nothin’ 

‘cause in my mind

your photograph is fadin’ 

in the harsh daylight

thick salty water 

washes over your thin mouth

remember when you left your father

for the promise of riches in the south

news has come
that you’re headin‘ home

you know you’ve got no one

you’ve got no more earth left to roam

i won’t pretend to call you stranger

when i see your face

i won’t pretend to call you friend

when i accept your embrace

i won’t pretend to call you nothin’ 

‘cause in my mind

your photograph is fadin’ 

in the harsh daylight

and i won’t pretend to call you lover

‘cause i’m through with bidin’ my time

my heart hasn’t found another

but these mountains are all mine

see the sun gives me grace

and the wind she speaks
and i’ve erased your face

from the cliffs and the creeks

i won’t pretend to call you stranger

when i see your face

i won’t pretend to call you friend

when i accept your embrace

i won’t pretend to call you nothin’ 

three little things.

a newer idea:


the rain it fell from the silver sky
you grabbed my hand and the thunder sounded
we ran down the trail towards and old oak tree
slipping on the stones and the shining leaves


a newer photograph:

a newer favorite song

thirty seven

lazy monday morning
the sky is grey and white
you'll look out your window
and watch the birds take flight

their blurring bodies
their solemn song
their perpetual panic
their thriving throng

breath and blood escape you
as you prick your snowy finger
the satisfaction is painful
and the pleasure never lingers

your blurring body
your solemn song
your perpetual panic
your writhing wrong

a single leaf is tossed
to the ground by the cruel wind
all alone she travels
no companion can she find

her blurring body
her solemn song
her perpetual panic
her lamenting long

thirty six

turn your eyes away as i kiss your face.
i don’t want you to see that mine are wide open,
unblinking as a doll in a clear glass case.
i ask myself what i want, then

disregarding my solemn thought,

i place my lips on your youthful eyes.
your body shifts, in my arms you are caught.
you tell me you love me, but my heart it shies

away from the idea of being loved.

i don’t want to be known.

you see, i’m afraid of being disappointing
i’m not afraid of being a lone.

I was teased by your blouse

spit out by your mouth.


Oh creature fear.



it's been a while.
today was just one of those days where you spend the whole day in a state of awe. I am in awe of how much I am blessed. I have friends. I have a home. I am not washed away by water. Or suppressed by an evil dictator. I am so free.

so cherish your freedom. and be thankful.
Mary Emily

Let it always be known, that I was who I am.

Oh naïve little me
asking what things you have seen
You're vulnerable in your head
You'll scream and you'll wail till you're dead

Creatures fade by night
Following things that aren't right
and they're tired and they need to be lead
They'll scream and they'll wail till they're dead

But give me to a rambling man
Let it always be known that I was who I am

Beaten, battered, and cold
My children will live just to grow old
But if i sit here and weep
I'll be blown over by the slightest of breeze

And the weak need to be lead
And the tender I'll carry to their bed...

Oh but give me to the Rambling Man
Let it always be known, that I was who I am.
(excerpts from Rambling Man)

I love early mornings. I haven't been up as early as I was today in a long while. I woke up with moonbeams streaming through my window. I watched as the sky and clouds turned from black and grey to a brilliant azure and pink. I walked in the morning breeze and grew warm in the golden sun. Ah yes. This day has been nice.
Have a fabulous rest of Wednesday.
Mary Em

some lyrics and a quote.

Among the trees and by the river
lying there, my darling shivers
In her sleep she dreams of winter
whiter than her breast.

I feel her heart move through her chest
warm and steady as she rests.
Hear water ebbing with her breath
lulling me to sleep.

Light from a source unseen reflected
by the moon on rocks collected
near our bodies unexpected
Pulls us from out dreams.

We turn onto our backs and see
a streak of light above the trees
and lie here on our bed of leaves
listening to each other breath.

And here in the sky
lights flash before our eyes
I feel your warm hand
slipping into mine
and we lay and we wonder when
will I come around?

Do I know what you are feeling now?

This morning we drove out of town
into the hills and looking down
saw the ocean all around
as far as we could see.

Continued on into the clouds
through bursts of rain
brief and loud
to silent mountains
tall and proud
Here is where we lay.

And here in the sky
lights flash before our eyes
I feel your warm hand
slipping into mine
and we lay and we wonder when
Will I come around?

Do I know what you are feeling
here on neutral ground?

Neutral ground-Sea Wolf *love them*

AND

"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery."
Winston Churchill

Have the best Thursday ever!
Mary Em