This site has been comatose since last fall and there are so many reasons for that, but I am too hungry right now to list them. I figure I should recap this year because in a couple weeks, this page will be my main communication with the outside world:
December began with the most involved art show and ended with the weirdest celebration of New Year's Eve. I graduated and did not feel that much more accomplished as I walked across a little stage in a robe plagued with static cling. I celebrated Christmas at home and moved out of my trusty little basement apartment. Somedays, I still miss The Den. Three camp friends and I counted down to what we thought was midnight in the car after having a drink and appetizers at a random pizza place in Hixson (of all places). We crossed into a different time zone halfway up the mountain, so when we looked at our cell phones, they said 11:00.
January started with a trip to Cedar Lake Camp and ended with me in Nashville almost half-adjusted to my new life. I packed my car with my things and drove to the house of the parents of someone I hadn't seen in nearly two years. Needless to say, I was nervous and awkward during my first days in the Hanson house. I was also nervous and awkward during my first day of interning with Humanities Tennessee, but I don't think anyone noticed. I got lost a lot this month.
By February, I had gotten a job working as a barista at Atmalogy and kind of knew what I was doing at my internship. "Icemaggedon" happened during this month too, so lots of days were spent doing yoga with Lauren and her black cat fella. I celebrated most of my birthday at work, but mama Sue and Lauren threw me a taco party when I got home. Age twenty-two was well-honored with margaritas and the Bachelor. Lots of driving happened in February, because David and I met halfway in little towns and sat up all night in a Waffle House.
March had a rocky start. David got hurt and I ran a half marathon alone. In spite of ruined plans, tears, and crutches, He and I were able to celebrate our two-year date-iversary in Asheville. By this time, I had started visiting coffee shops around Nashville and documenting them with little sketches (these will be shared and written about in due time). The end of March brought sunshine and friends with it. David visited and the Big Hero 6 crew was established. I don't know how I ended up being Aunt Cass, but it fits.
April was poetry month, so I decided to write a poem everyday (I almost succeeded). David and I went to the Frist on his birthday and so David crutched around saying "pip-pip." I met Robert Morgan, Rodney Jones, and Jane Hirshfield in one weekend and spent the rest of the week thinking of smart things I could have said to them. Before I knew it, I had my last day at Atmalogy and at Humanities Tennessee. Margaret Renkl (the editor at Chapter16) presented me with a gift on my last morning with her. Her inscription in the book is as inspiring as the book itself. I'm still so amazed at how great it was to work with her and the exceptional people at Humanities Tennessee.
May is blurring by quickly. So far, I've packed, moved, unpacked, organized, separated, and repacked. Adventures ahead include: Nashville, visiting David, and settling down for the summer at Cedar Lake Camp. I currently don't know anything for sure past August, but that's just fine with me.
There you have it, the last five months in six hundred words.
lost in an uncharted sea.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Friday, November 14, 2014
life-iversary
I'm already running late for my class, so I'll make this quick.
It is sometimes unsettling how ironic life can be. With all the stress of my show (that is a whole separate story) and not getting sleep, I completely ignored the most thoughtful day of the year.
Usually, on the first weekend or so of November, I take a day to pray and thank God for my life. I tend to write something on that day as well. I guess this is my belated thoughtful day.
It is sometimes unsettling how ironic life can be. With all the stress of my show (that is a whole separate story) and not getting sleep, I completely ignored the most thoughtful day of the year.
Usually, on the first weekend or so of November, I take a day to pray and thank God for my life. I tend to write something on that day as well. I guess this is my belated thoughtful day.
I have grappled with death for most of my young life. The comfort of it allures me and the endless pressure of being alive exhausts me. A few years ago, near the first weekend of November, I was ready. I was selfish and wanting to be done. But I was stopped. Not by a fire, not by a storm, not by a wind or an earthquake. I was stopped by a gentle whisper. He whispered "Live" and breathed His peace into me.
Last weekend, I had the pleasure of putting up an installation centering around the idea of abundance and human reaction to overgrowth. It explored how too much of something and living life trying to be in control often leads to extinguishing joy. In hindsight, it makes so much sense that would be on my "life-iversary." I tried to control my life and it almost led me straight to death.
I want to encourage you to live with open hands. Receive the love, blessings, and peace that come from knowing Jesus. Life will not be easy to live. However, you will have a hope to hold on to.
And that will make all the difference.
I want to encourage you to live with open hands. Receive the love, blessings, and peace that come from knowing Jesus. Life will not be easy to live. However, you will have a hope to hold on to.
And that will make all the difference.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Psalm 42
for vthe living God.
while they say to me all the day long,
how I would go with the throng
a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
fHope in God; for I shall again praise him,
from the land of Jordan and of iHermon,
Deep calls to deep
all your breakers and your waves
Why do I go mourning
while they say to me all the day long,
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
While making coffee this morning, I listened to a praise song built around Psalm 42 . Suddenly, feelings and memories from 2012 came back to me. That Psalm meant so much to me then. In fact, it was so relevant to my life that I wrote this post. Although I am at such a different place than I was then, the Psalm is still so relevant. I became sad last night thinking about how I'm not going to be a student anymore. I'm by no means terrified of the future or what is to come. I think I grew sad because I am leaving a unique time that has been so littered with beautiful things.
It is a little cliché to compare the academic journey to a storm, but I am. So many times, I felt the "breakers and waves" crash over me with late nights, early mornings, broken sculptures, failed attempts, missing classes, and lots of crying. So many times, professors, classmates, and friends have asked me "where is your God?" The panic has set in and my soul has been cast down.
Even this week, as the shore became nearer, I asked "God, why this storm?"
Psalm 42 told me why today.
My wins and accomplishments have been blessings.
My losses have proved that I am only satisfied in my Lord.
In closing, I want to encourage you. God is not only the director of storms. He is loving on you during the day, and singing to you at night. He remembers you and He saves you. He is with you in the deep.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
thoughts on moving on.
"dear Father, let me look for Your grace in everything. let me want Your love more than anything. and let me hear Your voice above the noise."
-from may 15th.
i remember writing that prayer. it was the beginning of a new habit. it was a turning point in my thinking.
even the short while after school ended and summer began, i felt that it was going to be a hard summer. the reality of me not working at camp and being alone and over-committing myself didn't hit me until halfway through june, but my heart felt it much earlier than that. the healing that came this summer came only through my seeking and God's willingness to be sought out. i have learned repeatedly that He provides. i have learned of my worth as an individual. and i have learned to tune out the cacophony of negativity around me and hear the loving voice of my Father. needless to say, a huge amount of healing has taken place this summer.
as i face this semester and the close of my career as an undergraduate student, i am excited. i'm excited that my life will be moving on so rapidly. i'm excited that david will be back. i'm excited that my classes are all super interesting.
but most of all, i'm excited for this new season of celebration. i feel like a new, rejuvenated person. this new self hardly recognizes the exhausted, lonely, and defeated young woman i was when i wrote that prayer in may. and hallelujah for that!
i'm not one to make predictions, but i have a pretty strong feeling about this semester. i feel that it will be so full of peace. i feel that it will grow David's heart and my heart closer together. i feel that grace will abound.
so i'm dubbing this semester as the semester:
-of love
-of joy
-of yes
-of flourishing
-of sharing
-of new
-of Jesus
-of fearlessness
-of humility
-of strength
-of accepting weaknesses (ones of myself and others)
-of meditation
-of breathing deeply
-of less sad tears and more happy ones
-of picnics
-of camping
-of mountains and bonfires and hammocking etc.
-of newly found healthy life.
so as you and i shed our summer skin, let's lift our heads with courage and celebrate the coming of a new season.
-from may 15th.
i remember writing that prayer. it was the beginning of a new habit. it was a turning point in my thinking.
even the short while after school ended and summer began, i felt that it was going to be a hard summer. the reality of me not working at camp and being alone and over-committing myself didn't hit me until halfway through june, but my heart felt it much earlier than that. the healing that came this summer came only through my seeking and God's willingness to be sought out. i have learned repeatedly that He provides. i have learned of my worth as an individual. and i have learned to tune out the cacophony of negativity around me and hear the loving voice of my Father. needless to say, a huge amount of healing has taken place this summer.
as i face this semester and the close of my career as an undergraduate student, i am excited. i'm excited that my life will be moving on so rapidly. i'm excited that david will be back. i'm excited that my classes are all super interesting.
but most of all, i'm excited for this new season of celebration. i feel like a new, rejuvenated person. this new self hardly recognizes the exhausted, lonely, and defeated young woman i was when i wrote that prayer in may. and hallelujah for that!
i'm not one to make predictions, but i have a pretty strong feeling about this semester. i feel that it will be so full of peace. i feel that it will grow David's heart and my heart closer together. i feel that grace will abound.
so i'm dubbing this semester as the semester:
-of love
-of joy
-of yes
-of flourishing
-of sharing
-of new
-of Jesus
-of fearlessness
-of humility
-of strength
-of accepting weaknesses (ones of myself and others)
-of meditation
-of breathing deeply
-of less sad tears and more happy ones
-of picnics
-of camping
-of mountains and bonfires and hammocking etc.
-of newly found healthy life.
so as you and i shed our summer skin, let's lift our heads with courage and celebrate the coming of a new season.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
a response.
in light of Robin Williams's recent suicide, i guess i have some thoughts to throw into the large sea of opinions being shared on social media. i don't have much to say about the actor himself that hasn't been said. he was a brilliant man who played some of my favorite characters in my favorite movies (everyone should watch Good Will Hunting and Dead Poet's Society) (i mean everyone) (really, go do it).
however, as a person who has first hand experience with depression, anxiety, etc. it pains me to read all the misguided remarks about his death. there are people glorifying his suicide and there are people criticizing it. those extreme opinions are equally as troubling to me. the thing we're discussing is not some abstract condition. it is a hunger for death and an abandonment of life that has been in our hearts since the beginning. literally everyone is born with it. it can be eased by medication (maybe) and counseling (usually) but can only be cured by a healer so beyond this world. even that perfect treatment cannot be fully completed on earth. this issue is complicated, nuanced, and as old as man, so i guess it's a little disheartening to read sweeping statements about it.
(i'm really inefficient at making transition statements...so imagine this is a witty and smooth introduction to my next thought)
the common mistake people make about Christians is that we are ignorant of the pain this world offers. the media portrays us as happy-go-lucky idiots or angry proselytizers. however, the most genuine believers i've ever met have been deeply in tune with the darkness of this world. the people who say (when reading about people like williams, plath, hemingway, etc.), "I don't understand how someone could do something like that," are commonly people who have turned away from spiritual things. as a Christian, i completely understand "how someone could do something like that" because i am encouraged by Scripture to live joyfully in light of pain. not in ignorance. God knows the task is daunting, and so He tells humanity repeatedly to "take courage" and "not to fear." He also reminds that the task is worthwhile. we were born empty and with the continuous ache of isolation. we have grown older and have striven for fulfillment only to repeatedly realize that we have been "striving after the wind." if you really do some thinking about the average life of a human, it's a hopeless situation. i truly believe that artists of all kinds are more prone to come face to face the vanity of life because their lives are dedicated to exploring the flawed human experience.
that said, it is so clear that there is hope. whether it is seen through the gorgeousness of words, nature, movement, or emotion-it is so clear that there is hope. God has been telling all of mankind this from the beginning.
so:
if you're not sure about where your heart is with God or if you're not sure He exists or if you're positive He exists but you hate Him or if you're positive He doesn't exist and you hate Him or if you think He might exist but you're too prideful to get to know Him,
stop doing those things and start searching. God is wanting to know you and wanting to be known. the hope that He offers is real, tangible hope. and holy crap it is good. like eating ice cream in july or snowy mountains in winter. except better than that. you are offered the opportunity of an abundant life. you are offered salvation from death. and you are offered the continuous companionship of Christ.
if you're a believer and you think you're sure about where your heart is with God, keep searching and realizing the amazing responsibility you have. isaiah 61 clearly states what we need to do and who we are. some of those tasks include: binding up the broken hearted, freeing the captives, and restoring devastations of previous generations. i mean, we're called to be the sidekick of the Savior of the world's heart (so cool). it's important to note part of binding up the broken-hearted is recognizing the fact that our hearts break. part of freeing the captives is knowing the nature of captivity. part of restoring devastations is observing the wreckage with empathy. we conquer, but we understand.
yes, i am so saddened by Robin's suicide. and yes, i want to do what i can to love others and encourage them (and myself) to turn away from death as the answer.
but really, i'm more interested in the enhancement of lives through the redemption of souls, not just the saving of them.
however, as a person who has first hand experience with depression, anxiety, etc. it pains me to read all the misguided remarks about his death. there are people glorifying his suicide and there are people criticizing it. those extreme opinions are equally as troubling to me. the thing we're discussing is not some abstract condition. it is a hunger for death and an abandonment of life that has been in our hearts since the beginning. literally everyone is born with it. it can be eased by medication (maybe) and counseling (usually) but can only be cured by a healer so beyond this world. even that perfect treatment cannot be fully completed on earth. this issue is complicated, nuanced, and as old as man, so i guess it's a little disheartening to read sweeping statements about it.
(i'm really inefficient at making transition statements...so imagine this is a witty and smooth introduction to my next thought)
the common mistake people make about Christians is that we are ignorant of the pain this world offers. the media portrays us as happy-go-lucky idiots or angry proselytizers. however, the most genuine believers i've ever met have been deeply in tune with the darkness of this world. the people who say (when reading about people like williams, plath, hemingway, etc.), "I don't understand how someone could do something like that," are commonly people who have turned away from spiritual things. as a Christian, i completely understand "how someone could do something like that" because i am encouraged by Scripture to live joyfully in light of pain. not in ignorance. God knows the task is daunting, and so He tells humanity repeatedly to "take courage" and "not to fear." He also reminds that the task is worthwhile. we were born empty and with the continuous ache of isolation. we have grown older and have striven for fulfillment only to repeatedly realize that we have been "striving after the wind." if you really do some thinking about the average life of a human, it's a hopeless situation. i truly believe that artists of all kinds are more prone to come face to face the vanity of life because their lives are dedicated to exploring the flawed human experience.
that said, it is so clear that there is hope. whether it is seen through the gorgeousness of words, nature, movement, or emotion-it is so clear that there is hope. God has been telling all of mankind this from the beginning.
so:
if you're not sure about where your heart is with God or if you're not sure He exists or if you're positive He exists but you hate Him or if you're positive He doesn't exist and you hate Him or if you think He might exist but you're too prideful to get to know Him,
stop doing those things and start searching. God is wanting to know you and wanting to be known. the hope that He offers is real, tangible hope. and holy crap it is good. like eating ice cream in july or snowy mountains in winter. except better than that. you are offered the opportunity of an abundant life. you are offered salvation from death. and you are offered the continuous companionship of Christ.
if you're a believer and you think you're sure about where your heart is with God, keep searching and realizing the amazing responsibility you have. isaiah 61 clearly states what we need to do and who we are. some of those tasks include: binding up the broken hearted, freeing the captives, and restoring devastations of previous generations. i mean, we're called to be the sidekick of the Savior of the world's heart (so cool). it's important to note part of binding up the broken-hearted is recognizing the fact that our hearts break. part of freeing the captives is knowing the nature of captivity. part of restoring devastations is observing the wreckage with empathy. we conquer, but we understand.
yes, i am so saddened by Robin's suicide. and yes, i want to do what i can to love others and encourage them (and myself) to turn away from death as the answer.
but really, i'm more interested in the enhancement of lives through the redemption of souls, not just the saving of them.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
(there's probably a better word for this)
it is kind of amazing how proud we can become of the people we love. don't get confused. it's not the sort of pride that puffs up our ego, though. it's the pride that only brings us humility.
(there's probably a better word for this feeling)
it seems like the more we love someone, the more we want to share the joy that we find in their wonderful attributes. if you ask me about my sister, i will smile as i tell of her growth and beauty. if you wanted me to share about what david's up to, i would probably not stop for a breath while telling you how much strength of character he has. if you were to mention my mom, i couldn't begin to tell you all the wonderful things she has done. there are so many other people in my life that i am immensely proud of.
but absolutely none of them compare to my Jesus.
something happened the other day that reminded me of how proud i was of Him. tuesday i was in the gym, sweating and whatnot. these days, i do not have much time for attending church and i do not have many people to fellowship with, so to temporarily (i want to emphasize the fact that this is very very temporary. i believe in the importance of the church and fellowship) replace those things, i listen to sermons/praise music almost constantly. my favorite place to do that is the gym because honestly, who doesn't get a little bored cycling/running/etc? anyway, i was cycling and listening to Travis Jones (if you haven't checked out Silverdale Saturday Nights podcast, you should) and he was sharing a story about his time in Africa. the story was essentially about how a young man came to faith in the midst of a muslim community. at the moment of his conversion, the people around him tried to intervene, but the young man was given the strength and focus to continue with his repentance and prayer. after hearing that story, my eyes began to grow misty.
before i knew it, tears were running slowly down my face. at first i thought i was crying because i was miserably hot and tired...but that wasn't the case. i was crying because i was so proud. as i heard about that young man, i thought to myself my Lord and Savior is astounding. He forgives our sins and enriches our lives. He is worth our suffering and praise and He deserves every single bit of it. at that moment in the gym, if you had seen me, you would have thought i was nuts. i was drenched in sweat, my hair was crazy, tears were on my face, and i was smiling.
i wanted to write about this on here because i am so proud. i am proud of my Redeemer and Friend. He absolutely never lets me down and He always fulfills His promises to me.
the amazing thing is that He is big enough to do that for me, you, and that young man somewhere in Africa.
so yeah, Jesus is King. and i like that.
(there's probably a better word for this feeling)
it seems like the more we love someone, the more we want to share the joy that we find in their wonderful attributes. if you ask me about my sister, i will smile as i tell of her growth and beauty. if you wanted me to share about what david's up to, i would probably not stop for a breath while telling you how much strength of character he has. if you were to mention my mom, i couldn't begin to tell you all the wonderful things she has done. there are so many other people in my life that i am immensely proud of.
but absolutely none of them compare to my Jesus.
something happened the other day that reminded me of how proud i was of Him. tuesday i was in the gym, sweating and whatnot. these days, i do not have much time for attending church and i do not have many people to fellowship with, so to temporarily (i want to emphasize the fact that this is very very temporary. i believe in the importance of the church and fellowship) replace those things, i listen to sermons/praise music almost constantly. my favorite place to do that is the gym because honestly, who doesn't get a little bored cycling/running/etc? anyway, i was cycling and listening to Travis Jones (if you haven't checked out Silverdale Saturday Nights podcast, you should) and he was sharing a story about his time in Africa. the story was essentially about how a young man came to faith in the midst of a muslim community. at the moment of his conversion, the people around him tried to intervene, but the young man was given the strength and focus to continue with his repentance and prayer. after hearing that story, my eyes began to grow misty.
before i knew it, tears were running slowly down my face. at first i thought i was crying because i was miserably hot and tired...but that wasn't the case. i was crying because i was so proud. as i heard about that young man, i thought to myself my Lord and Savior is astounding. He forgives our sins and enriches our lives. He is worth our suffering and praise and He deserves every single bit of it. at that moment in the gym, if you had seen me, you would have thought i was nuts. i was drenched in sweat, my hair was crazy, tears were on my face, and i was smiling.
i wanted to write about this on here because i am so proud. i am proud of my Redeemer and Friend. He absolutely never lets me down and He always fulfills His promises to me.
the amazing thing is that He is big enough to do that for me, you, and that young man somewhere in Africa.
so yeah, Jesus is King. and i like that.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
noiselessly patient
after a three day weekend (yes, i skipped two classes friday...no, i'm not sorry) and the longest nap i've had in a while, i feel like i'm ready to face the week and share a few thoughts.
while working a lot, going to school a lot, being long distance with my best friend (jen) and my boyfriend/bestfriend (david) a lot has been extremely grueling and time-consuming, i really don't feel the need to express my concerns about it. even on the absolute worst dismal days, i know it will pass.
and that's that.
honestly, my biggest concern right now is answering that daunting question "what the (insert word of choice here) am i doing with myself after i graduate?!"
i think how i feel about it can best be illustrated by this nice poem by none other than the unfocused, passionate, free-versing, american classic: walt whitman.
while working a lot, going to school a lot, being long distance with my best friend (jen) and my boyfriend/bestfriend (david) a lot has been extremely grueling and time-consuming, i really don't feel the need to express my concerns about it. even on the absolute worst dismal days, i know it will pass.
and that's that.
i think how i feel about it can best be illustrated by this nice poem by none other than the unfocused, passionate, free-versing, american classic: walt whitman.
| A NOISELESS, patient spider, | |
| I mark’d, where, on a little promontory, it stood, isolated; | |
| Mark’d how, to explore the vacant, vast surrounding, | |
| It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself; | |
| Ever unreeling them—ever tirelessly speeding them. | 5 |
| And you, O my Soul, where you stand, | |
| Surrounded, surrounded, in measureless oceans of space, | |
| Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing,—seeking the spheres, to connect them; | |
| Till the bridge you will need, be form’d—till the ductile anchor hold; | |
| Till the gossamer thread you fling, catch somewhere, O my Soul. | 10 |
*side note: you need to read this out loud. "filament, filament, filament" and "gossamer" are perhaps the most delicious things to say.
anyway, i'm meeting tomorrow with my sweet, quiet-spirited poetry professor to get some advice on internships etc. i've been thinking about what i'm really wanting to do (post-graduating) all weekend. and well, i just keep coming up empty. i'm like the spider and the soul mentioned. i'm "ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing." it's interesting that my whole life i thought that i would know what's up by now. but man, i am clueless.
that said, i think it's important to be "noiselessly patient" during this time of transition. i think it's okay to be open to whatever may come. it's also important to realize that every decision is a determiner of my future. not only do the big ones matter, but (this part is really nice) because i have a God that is complex as well as caring, the decisions that seem meaningless are intricately integrated into His plan for me.
anyway, i'm meeting tomorrow with my sweet, quiet-spirited poetry professor to get some advice on internships etc. i've been thinking about what i'm really wanting to do (post-graduating) all weekend. and well, i just keep coming up empty. i'm like the spider and the soul mentioned. i'm "ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing." it's interesting that my whole life i thought that i would know what's up by now. but man, i am clueless.
that said, i think it's important to be "noiselessly patient" during this time of transition. i think it's okay to be open to whatever may come. it's also important to realize that every decision is a determiner of my future. not only do the big ones matter, but (this part is really nice) because i have a God that is complex as well as caring, the decisions that seem meaningless are intricately integrated into His plan for me.
this is why i'm making peace with being a noiseless, patient young woman who is casting her gossamer (man, that word) thread while i "explore the vacant, vast surrounding."
and that's that.
and that's that.
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