thoughts on moving on.

"dear Father, let me look for Your grace in everything. let me want Your love more than anything. and let me hear Your voice above the noise."
-from may 15th.

i remember writing that prayer. it was the beginning of a new habit. it was a turning point in my thinking.

even the short while after school ended and summer began, i felt that it was going to be a hard summer. the reality of me not working at camp and being alone and over-committing myself didn't hit me until halfway through june, but my heart felt it much earlier than that. the healing that came this summer came only through my seeking and God's willingness to be sought out. i have learned repeatedly that He provides. i have learned of my worth as an individual. and i have learned to tune out the cacophony of negativity around me and hear the loving voice of my Father. needless to say, a huge amount of healing has taken place this summer.

as i face this semester and the close of my career as an undergraduate student, i am excited. i'm excited that my life will be moving on so rapidly. i'm excited that david will be back. i'm excited that my classes are all super interesting.

but most of all, i'm excited for this new season of celebration. i feel like a new, rejuvenated person. this new self hardly recognizes the exhausted, lonely, and defeated young woman i was when i wrote that prayer in may. and hallelujah for that!

i'm not one to make predictions, but i have a pretty strong feeling about this semester. i feel that it will be so full of peace. i feel that it will grow David's heart and my heart closer together. i feel that grace will abound.

so i'm dubbing this semester as the semester:
-of love
-of joy
-of yes
-of flourishing
-of sharing
-of new
-of Jesus
-of fearlessness
-of humility
-of strength
-of accepting weaknesses (ones of myself and others)
-of meditation
-of breathing deeply
-of less sad tears and more happy ones
-of picnics
-of camping
-of mountains and bonfires and hammocking etc.
-of newly found healthy life.

so as you and i shed our summer skin, let's lift our heads with courage and celebrate the coming of a new season.

christmas eve-eve

christmas eve-eve is my favorite day. i think i might even like it more than christmas day.
it's exciting and relaxing and full of anticipation and chaos and something about it is always perfect.

that aside, this christmas break has been a weird one. i have felt like more like a spectator than a participant. it's weird to be absent from my own home for a long enough time that it makes it strange to come back for more than a handful of days. i guess that is a part of growing up and such. but it's still weird. the weirdest thing about this christmas has been the lack of focus on Christ as a baby. as i have read and prayed and listened to prepare myself for the season, i have been drawn to the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ more than His birth. He became a human child to bring hope to all mankind.
and to die for all mankind.

so i rarely have complete thoughts. today it is worse than usual.
so to distract you from the disjointedness of this post, here is a list of things that i've been taught this christmas season:

my life is not my own
i am loved loved loved
family units are difficult but worth it
love takes work
love is a joy
friends are absolutely priceless
sometimes rest is more important than anything
i have a gentle Father tenderly telling me each day to wait for His Son's return
i am prone to wander
breathing is important
focusing on the root of the problem often soothes tension
we are broken broken broken people
christmas lights are beautiful
christmas music is tacky and perfect
good coffee made by my dad everyday is something i've missed
time is precious
"now" is precious
never ever be afraid to tell someone how much they're worth to you
never ever be afraid to tell someone how much they're worth to Jesus


that's about all.

happy christmas eve-eve.

listage

i haven't made a list in a long time. this feels liberating.

-funny last names. like REALLY FUNNY.
-laughing a lot
-learning more and more about my own loneliness. and about how to feel known.
-knowing Christ is my hiding place
-being faced with (almost every night and every morning...quite noisily) the way this world distorts love. how it's a feeling, an act, or an impulse now. not something cultivated, fought for, and selfless.
-ceramics class.
-funny looks. there are some people that i know that give the funniest looks. something about them just slay me. i guess it's because they are so distinct to said person.
-hugs. i had a day where literally ALL day i just wanted a hug. so when i got one, it was very nice.
-chai/earlgrey tea with milk and honey.
-catching up with friends far away.
-eating icing out of the can.
-taking my rest day from running
-being a rebel. always.
-night showers
-my birthday in two short weeks
-being okay with who i am.

yeah that's enough for now.

monday mania

a list:
granola, almond milk, craisins. in a clown mug.

painting and john denver on vinyl with brandon

cold, cold rain

grey

new rain jacket

that's neon pink

yeahhhh

sufjan coming to chattanooga in a month or so

me going to chattanooga in a couple days or so

biking at night

sniffles

skipping

sleeping

coffee

a letter from a dear girl

plaid

louis armstrong and ella fitzgerald

for myself.

"find what you love and let it kill you."
charles bukowski

ginger candy

discussing a kiss

fra angelico

skyping my brothers

being cold

sockos

water

coffee

apple and cinnamon oatmeal

rubber cement

chopin

letting things that I love kill me

radical obedience

dwelling on what that looks like in my life

night noises

asking why, how, when, and why not now?

seeking truth

procrastinating

night air

knowing I have an 8:15 class

dark circles around my eyes

scratchy throat

quiet

not knowing

and that being okay

doing something foolish just to remind myself I cannot take myself too seriously

the end

twenty six/twenty seven/twenty eight

(from my journals at cedar lake camp)

twenty six
June 20th 2012

Noodles the Terrifying Panda (he is real)

-He doesn't like it if you bathe in "gel-low" chocolate pudding from Canada
-He loves Tapioca
-He is neutral on vanilla
-He was created in the twilight zone of the Atlantic Ocean
-He attached Guy in 1884
-He attacked Chad in 1966 (sucked out his bones)
-He is a nomad
-He likes fat Americans
-He doesn't sleep
-He's immortal
-He has 5 hearts and 3 brains (he's very cunning)
-A wooden stake tipped in "gel-low" Canadian chocolate pudding through the heart will kill him!


twenty seven
June25th 2012

camp sunsets are gorgeous
the silver sliver of a moon is hanging in the baby blue sky. lace like clouds surround it
dust and ants are covering the land beneath me
it seems to be wailing, crying out for rain
my feet stomp the ground in rhythm, my heart beats fast
the trees around me shake their leaves, my voice raises-imploring the sky to loose her tears and water the earth
the dust cakes my feet, my hands
by the time the golden light streaks crimson in the evening, I am exhausted from my dance
"red sky and night, sailor's delight" sounds over and over in my mind.

but me and my friends are not sailors.

-I love it when the pink light of the sleepy sun leaks through the wise old trees at camp. the cool breeze blowing. Daniel's voice speaking truth about my Savior-God. the campfire crackling. kids falling asleep and whispering.gold sparks against the blue of the pool. the smell of dirt and sweat and camp being blown in the breeze.
...yes.

twenty eight
Canoe Camp 2012 (MK, Jen, and Julie helped with this one)

day one:
As the sun rose over the plateau, we set off on our journey. Like a ghost in the night we were whisked away that early morning to the water's edge. We could say "we were gone with the wind." After losing our way, we answered the call of Taylor's Ford. Backs bent and brows sweating, we loaded our bags and our burdens onto the valiant vessel. The Spirit of Dale Hollow welcomed our canoes as we guided them in.
The bow of our boat cut through the water like a knife through slightly warm butter. Our paddles shattered the serene glassy blue-green surface of Dale Hollow.
The burn in our arms was like a furnace cooking the clay piece of a master potter.
And our hearts beat as one.

things

1) Kony 2012. look it up. there's a lot of hype about it-but this issue deserves every facebook share and twitter post.
2) Tallest man on earth. Especially "Honey Won't You Let me In?"
3) Packing for an adventure.
4) dried mango
5) mountains.
6) Oscar Wilde
7) Empty memory cards and new film. just waiting.
8) four-strand braids
9) Grace. unshaken, overwhelming, beautiful grace. The type that washes over me like a tsunami.
10) being able to see clearly. hooray for new contacts.


praedicare veritatem.

crazy. cray cray. crazers.

just because life is too short to be too boring.
superlative adventures are always an option.
hilarious movies that are only funny to the people making them are a must.
absolutely awful and mostly embarrassing pictures should be taken.
abbreviating words is totes never a good idea. never. teriyaki.
getting "golden monkey tea" smell waved at me is hilarious.
hollister is terrifying.
Taco Bell is delicious. not.
malls are awful.
Jenny and I spent practically a whole day there.
but that's to be expected...because we're crazy.
Christmas Eve is tomorrow.
expect a sentimental post or something.

No One's Slate is Clean

Listen.

Today is:

Morning car accidents-don't worry I'm fine. My poor Zachary (my car) isn't.

Courtney Marie serenading me with her best album yet.

Geometric sweaters.

A cold cold walk with a dear friend.

Drawing loneliness.

Rain.

Studying

Cinnamon Dole Latte, Espresso, and Earl Grey Tea.

Panera and Starbucks in one day.

Brotherly encouragement. I am so grateful for my dear brothers.

Tired, exasperated giggles.

An Aussie in Panera explaining to his American girlfriend/wife/fiance 's family how to pronounce "Aussie". Adorable.

Soup twice in one day.

More Studying.

Reading encouraging Psalms and chapters of Isaiah. There is nothing as restoring as reading the Bible.

More Studying.

Give Reviving

"It's one of a kind. A moment captured should be treasured. Let's treasure this."-Jessica (about above photograph-taken in a blanket fort at Chatt State...)

Today is:

Advent

The Lord's Day

My long lost ipod being found (hooray!)

Nutcracker chaos

Realizing that I'm an "older girl" now. How strange.

A little boy in the pew in front of us girls doing funny hand dances.

Stifling giggles

Gluten-free pizza

Peppermint ice cream

Drawing drawing drawing

Preparing myself for my last full week of school of this semester.

Ah. 5 little days left. Then 6 little finals.

both my eyes are fading

Tonight is:

Almost getting sick from the smell of lacquer thinner

Having paint and ink and graphite and charcoal all over myself

Fleet Foxes, Ray LaMontagne and The Civil Wars

Drawing without a real clue what it all means

Popcorn

Purple sweatshirt that says "Life is a series of ups and downs"

Sniffles

Dry coughs

Cranberry Sierra Mist

Open windows

How to transfer images with lacquer thinner:

You can use any image, just know that the older the image and heavier the paper, the less likely it's going to work. (also, note that the transferred image is going to be a mirror of the original-so words with be backwards and such). Place the image face down on the surface you want to transfer it to. Apply lacquer thinner (the fumes are awful, so make sure to do this outside or with lots of ventilation). Rub with back of spoon or a burnishing tool. The effect is sort of a cool, sketchy looking image. (You can kind of see it in the top photograph)

p.s. title lyric

one hundred dreams

I wrote down my dreams today.

I also added another camera to my happy family. I bought a new camera and a snazzy new lens. I'm so excited. It shoots HD video. I see lots of pointless films of pretty lights and blowing leaves in my future.

His name is Tom.

old faithful

You know when you have those old shoes that are falling apart that you just don't want to ever get rid of?
I finally got rid of mine.
May they rest in peace.

tonight is:

Ray LaMontagne

Open Windows

Rain coming in said windows

Writing letters

Writing thoughts

Writing speeches

quiet contentment

how will I know

Tonight is:

old photographs

mountain man on repeat

thoughts

rest

less than a month until this semester is done.

flew too close to the sun.

Life right now is:
Taking vitamins. all kinds.
Little braids in my hair.
Apple Juice galore.
Charcoal everywhere.

Raindrops.

The sweet smell of damp autumn leaves.
Icarus.
The National. Lots of The National.
Sore throats.
Nutcracker.
Staying up until the wee hours of the morning to finish things.
Then waking up early.

Drinking coffee and water simultaneously to stay awake and alive.

Being comforted with knowing that there are less than 20 class days left in the semester.

London Fog

Today was:

Eating gluten free cake with breakfast and lunch

skipping out of class just because

cleaning my room(ish)

editing pictures from a long while ago

posting a picture from last weekend

impulse buys

answering deep questions asked in the most nonchalant way.

killer croquet...I think that's how you spell that.

rock, paper, scissors

not getting lost

autumn weather

nice music

no homework. ah.

London Fog. yum.

and now, sweet slumbers.

hooray for Friday.

I was of tender age

Today is:

Late rising

Pink leggings

Large, soft black sweaters

Someone saying "Oh I though you were wearing a cape!" about said sweater as I zoomed past them on my bike.

Coffee.

Getting things done in a relaxed manner.

Hearing people talk about people I know and Family Airplane in Rembrandt's. We're famous!

Cold mornings

Writing

Thinking too much about everything.

This song

and finally, posting a picture that is absolutely un-edited.

it may not always be so

Today is:

Caffe Misto

Iron & Wine

wind, wind, wind

rain, rain, rain

grey, grey, grey

charcoal smudges on my hands...and face

people watching

actually being ahead with my homework

scarf shopping

e.e. cummings

small headaches

a short walk

a rushing river

quiet moments spent with my eyes closed, drinking in the wind

they heard me singing and they told me to stop

quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock.

today is:

grey sky

climbing a tree just to look at things from higher up

being frustrated with the leveled earth and newly paved road in what used to be my wilderness

taking pictures

being covered in dirt from running down paths, flowers from pushing my way through weeds to make it to the nicest tree in the world, and graphite from drawing for hours on a dusty path in the woods

thinking thinking thinking

arcade fire

the Lord's day

(please click on the image to make it larger. it looks so very nice)

you were the only one to know.

Monster by Magic Man.

currently my listening addiction.

tonight is:

sleepytime vanilla tea.

music.

catching up.

finishing books.

no homework.

the sense of accomplishment that only comes after taking a week of exams and turning in projects and giving a speech.