journal entry/sometimes

October 30th
sometimes I feel so alive I could be dead.

like some how the blood coursing through me is actually only saltwater and I’m actually some weirdly shaped wave that’s just waiting to crash and wash over some dirty spot on the sidewalk at school.
sometimes I feel so alone that I’m claustrophobic. 

like the air around me is actually full of tons of people waiting until to hurt me or to be hurt because that’s all humans can honestly do to eachother.

sometimes I feel so young that I grow old.

like somehow I am burdened and aged by the fact I know and have lived so much less than I want.
sometimes I feel so cold that I’m burning.

like the rain is actually little bits of fire spreading on my skin and setting flame to the old body, just leaving the new, tender skin of my real self.
sometimes sometimes sometimes.
more like all the time.

all the time I feel dead, claustrophobic, old, and burning.

like somehow I’m going to be fine because I’m just as much of a mess as everyone I know.

that’s all. 

the end.

forty four

my sister saw your face buried in the leaves

but i don’t believe her

one day she cried
she saw me walking by your side

but i don’t believe her



it’s been three long years
that you’ve been gone
and three long years
that i’ve been sorry

my sister hold my cold hand
through the wood
and i love her for it
her dark eyes say that she knows
all that i don’t

and i love her for it



the fiery trees
tell me it’s autumn again
and i wish your head
was here on my shoulder

my sister rarely laughs
since you’ve passed
she loved you more than i could
i hold her close
and tell her to let you go
but she loved you more than i could

together we run through the snow
to your little grave
together we say hello
we blow a kiss to your wintery face



it’s been three long years
that you’ve been gone
and three long years 

that i’ve been sorry

it was three quick years
that she loved you
it was three quick years
that you loved me
i’m sorry sister
that i didn’t know
i’m sorry lover
that i said no
we have no time
no time you know

so let’s wait three months

and she’ll be older
and i’ll be wiser
you won't be forgotten
but after the winter
is when all things blossom

flew too close to the sun.

Life right now is:
Taking vitamins. all kinds.
Little braids in my hair.
Apple Juice galore.
Charcoal everywhere.

Raindrops.

The sweet smell of damp autumn leaves.
Icarus.
The National. Lots of The National.
Sore throats.
Nutcracker.
Staying up until the wee hours of the morning to finish things.
Then waking up early.

Drinking coffee and water simultaneously to stay awake and alive.

Being comforted with knowing that there are less than 20 class days left in the semester.

why are you shaking like a leaf?

There is always beauty to be found in Today.

Silvery rays of sun splitting silvery clouds.

The warm taste of vanilla on your tongue.

Music stirring your heart as you accomplish the necessary things in life.

The beat of gold and crimson leaves hitting the ground.

Hints of smiles at the corners of your lips.

The smell of a slightly chilly Autumn wind.

Can't you see?

Today can always be beautiful.

Stop Motion Yo

This is my first one ever, so be understanding.




From the Autumn.
Cara and I had fun.

Mary Em

Song: Fidelity by Regina Spektor

autumn

I love it. So much.

I realize that lately, I've been taking people for granted. Do you ever just catch yourself watching life go by? I see and talk to lots of different people. I love every one of them for different reasons and I don't even realize it!
I am so blessed.

Anyway, I encourage you to grasp how much you are loved, and how many people you love. You touch and are touched by more people than you will ever know.

Mary Em

Hello lovelies.

I'm home! I couldn't be more enthused about that. I love sleeping and hanging out with my family, but I yearned for the hum-drumness of my everyday life.
I'm so tired and lazy that I'm not even going to ATTEMPT to upload any pictures that I took (don't worry, there aren't many) I'm just going to tell you that I had a wonderful trip, but I hope I never go to Branson again.

The colors are so gorgeous. When we left, the leaves were still green and God hadn't gotten out his gold-leaf (get it?) and his handy dandy paintbrushes (stocked full of orange and red pain)...(you know, this post is a jumble of my thoughts...sorry about that)

ANYWHO,
I came back and it's crisp and beautiful. Except the rain. Oh, please, no more rain...


wow. Okay, I'm going to go now...

Mary Em