thirty four

august 17 2012

you probably
don't think like me
and if you do and if you do,      
                    that's a misfortune.
because if
you do think like me,
every time you put
meandyoutogether
you over-analyze and pull u  s   a  p  a  r  t until we end in
doom
          and
                despair.
if you think like me,
every time a little ant of a thought of us that's ideal and happy occurs,
your mind squishes it with it's
great    big      rational      thumb.

and moves on.
I think too much.
that's why I'm always
                                    sad.
that's why I'll always be
                                                         lonely.

I've thought enough about my own heart's condition to know that
there is a
       wound in my heart
                         that cannot and
                                          will not be healed.
until I die.
"but you're a happy person" you say.
well I'm happy because that makes you happy and I want to make everyone happy because we're all going to die in the end anyway.
"but you believe in something beyond this life" you say.
I do. I do.
50% of the time
I am
believing and rejoicing.
the other 50%
I wonder
"what's the point"
and
"if I died, would anyone care?"
and
"why don't I just die now?"
and that leads to a spiral
down
          down
                    down.
darkeranddarker.

into a




 deep pit


of self-mind-mutilation that only someone whose mind is built like mine could know.
a mind that thinks
ceaselessyabouteverything.
a mind that knows
that the
                                     one  thing
its heart wants
can never be
seen
felt
kissed
on this great big earth.

so all this to say
Iloveyou

but I
don't expect
                                     satisfaction
fromyou.
it's true.



*the style is shamelessly based on the style of e.e. cummings, who is my favorite*