I need it, yes I need it. The closer that I grow, the more I come to know how much I need the blood of Jesus. The blood of Jesus is like the widow's oil-when it's all you have it's all you'll ever need.
Ah this quiet week of self-pity and self-reflection is coming to a close. I am breathing a sigh of relief with the knowledge of school starting Monday. I cannot wait to wake up each day with a strong sense of purpose. I will wake up knowing that I am a student, an artist, and (most importantly) a light for Jesus Christ.
I feel like my life is awful right now. even though I know it isn't. A flood of complaints continues to pour out my mouth while discontented thoughts collect like dust in my mind. I am lonely, jealous, and a bit heart-broken. Why? because.
I am wrong in the way I feel, but it seems like there's no turning back. the door of summer, oh glorious summer, is being slammed and locked behind me. What window is opening? is it a simple white-shuttered window opening to simple happiness? is it a lofty bay window opening to great ambitions? No. for now, all I see is the door of a damp crawl-space creaking open...and I know all I'll find inside is dark, filthydiscontent.
How can I make the sweet smells of the past waft into the dingy present? How can I make the golden sunshine of summer break through this blackness?
maybe that's it.
maybe I don't need to focus "How can I"...
no. I need to release my white-knuckled grip on what I think is my own. and focus on "Lord You will."
Lord You will. How I wish, hope, pray I can believe it.
Lord You will.
*disclaimer: this is really from my journal, that's why the thoughts seem a bit intimate. but, I want to take it as a challenge, artistically and personally, to publish a journal entry every so often. I feel like it's a good thing to be able to accurately express what you're feeling in words. and it's an even better thing to be transparent. *
Someone recently wished me sunshine in my life. I think that some little grey clouds are going to be hanging around me for a while, but sunshine will peek through eventually.
I'm beginning to get cabin fever at work.
The weather has been delightful and I've been trapped in an artificial arctic. I spend most of my time answering questinos for poor, confused people. When I'm not doing that, I'm laughing with the people I work with and staring out the large windows, wishing I could go on a walk outside. But I can't.
Because of this, I get a little restless and have to walk around a lot and imagine lots of things. Also, I've been really impulsive. Last night I dyed my hair blue/green. I like it quite a lot, but it is a little crazy. That's what the pictures are of. I'll take some cool ones once I get time.
Also, today I had my first migraine since I went gluten-free two weeks ago! I've had little headaches, but nothing huge until today. SO I think this whole diet change might be working. hooray.
If you're thinking about doing something regarding your conscience-do it. Unless you're content with living mediocrity. Set your crippled conscience free. Sometimes we're so used to our brokenness, we don't care to be repaired.
oh dear. I have quite a crippled conscience. The thick dark cloths of my own sin gag its tiny voice. So all I hear is my sin telling me that it is quite alright to be judgmental, impatient, and jaded. It tells me I'm an okay person living an okay life...all the while my crippled conscience pokes and prods my heart just enough to remind me that it's not okay to just be okay.
(This is Emmy. She was one of Jenny's day-campers during week 3. Jenny wrote me about Emmy. She seemed like quite a romantic little girl. This photograph and a couple others of her are some of my most favorites I took all summer. Her face is just too sweet...oh also, you should click on the image to make it bigger...it enhances the viewing experience)
"Catch the foxes for us, The little foxes that are ruining the vineyards, While our vineyards are in blossom."
-Song of Solomon 2:15
Today was full of little foxes. These little foxes that ate the grapes on the vine...and even though there are many more grapes left, I, the vineyard keeper, let the few missing grapes spoil the rest of my day. Me getting upset over the pesky foxes definitely reminded me that I am a fallen creature who needs a perfect Lord.
My breakfast this morning honestly tasted like eating corn-on-the-cob. BUT it really wasn't that bad. Thus a gluten-free school year begins.
things I love right now:
1) organizing. ever since I got home, I've been on a strange organization kick. So far, I've organized letters, spices, books, desk drawers, the tea cabinet, and my bathroom. I wonder what else I'm going to organize!
2) Listening to Band of Horses and Family Airplane while editing camp pictures.
3) Living camp all over again because of editing camp pictures and writing captions.
4) Listening to certain songs and laughing really hard because of camp (i.e. FAther's hunting in the forest, MOther's cooking in the home...)