twenty. vingt. veinte.

i promised myself i wouldn't write this post.
i literally said out loud "yeah that'd be too sentimental."

but here i am.

i don't really have a lot to say. except that i feel incredibly odd/blessed to now be in the magical decade known as "my twenties".
as my heart and mind grows up, i'm starting to realize the significance of age. how certain years really are important. even though your whole life matters.
nineteen was just what i expected it to be: unexpected. nothing made sense last year. nothing. even in hindsight, most of it is still confusing. my decisions were irrational for most of my nineteenth year and the consequences were mostly more confusion...not direct punishment.

i think if i could categorize my nineteenth year with a word it would be "aimless".  don't get me wrong. last year had a purpose and my God is always always faithful. what i did last year mattered. what i'm saying is, i thought so much about everything last year, that i didn't have time to really think about anything. (okay, i know that sounds seriously mental, but it really makes sense...) my own neurotic tendencies completely shattered the possibility of my experiencing life in a healthy way. i just wandered in and out of different situations and circumstances like a wounded animal without a home.

so twenty is here now. nothing changes overnight, but i really would like to be able to turn my mind off, so to speak. i would like to stop thinking about everything all the time and just come back to the fundamental facts that i'm alive and have a heart that is beating and a God that is sovereign. i would like to stop rationalizing anything and everything into the ground. i would like to be more trusting and less cynical. i'd like to get better at loving people without fear of disappointment/of being disappointing. most of all, i would like to love Jesus so much more and so much fuller than i have. love Him to the point that i can accept things and stop trying to create my own scenarios where everything works out...or where everything fails.

so yeah. i'm twenty. this is a new decade. and it's going to be the best one i've lived yet.
right?
right.

quiet

an expiring flashbulb
in the skies
the bright street lamps
and my blinking eyes
the asphalt shifting below a thousand tires
and the smoke rising from the forest fires
this drought of my heart
now plaintively crying for rain
expected satisfaction
when the thunder came 
your arms held me close
but no showers did pour
instead my heart was left
as parched as before
so fill me with your emptiness
the kind i think i want
while this land becomes drier still
while i tell myself i can't
because in the arms of a near-stranger it suddenly becomes clear

my masochistic tendencies are created by an insatiable fear

a fear of a love that comes
quiet
like the rain

a fear of a love that comes
quiet
like the rain

polaris (A/B)

falling asleep
the sounds of lovers above me
and the rain hitting my window

i think of you
your face in the daylight
and the way you would react to things unsaid

oh this holding onto nothing
this grief
this sorrow
i thought i'd be spared because i am young

but you drifted away from me
no longer in proximity
with hopes that i have had
and songs i've sung

two silent stars
burn into my back
marking where i last felt your kiss

can there be anything
between knowing
and not knowing me
a twilight of acquaintance
where we'll meet

those two stars will sing again
and i promise the moon won't look
while we repair
each other's hearts

so i listen to lovers
lovers and the rain
the clouds cover my body
oh my heart
and my guidance is gone

efflorescing.

effloresce  (ˌɛflɔːˈrɛs)
— vb
1. to burst forth into or as if into flower; bloom
[from Latin efflōrēscere  to blossom, from flōrēscere,  from flōs  flower]


today, while looking at someone who i have only recently gotten to know, it struck me.

i have beautiful friends.

the magic of that statement is so much deeper and stronger than i can express. it's magical how people can grow more and more beautiful in your eyes as you become closer and closer to them. their bodies are no longer where their soul is kept. no, their bodies become an extension of that. so when i look at my dearest friends, because i know the stunning nature of their mind and soul, i cannot help but think their bodies match.
i don't know if that makes sense to you, but it makes so much sense to me.
once i am won over by the person's heart, i began to admire every little nuance of that person's body. the way they hold their hands, the subtlety of their expressions, how their muscles tense when they concentrate, the corners of their mouth when they smile, the shape of their eyes, and countless other things like that.
i tried to find a word that could express this process that people go through. the process of becoming more and more gorgeous, regardless of how they really look.
the best thing i could find is the word above.

the beauty of their soul bursts forth. and blooms through their bodies.

listage

i haven't made a list in a long time. this feels liberating.

-funny last names. like REALLY FUNNY.
-laughing a lot
-learning more and more about my own loneliness. and about how to feel known.
-knowing Christ is my hiding place
-being faced with (almost every night and every morning...quite noisily) the way this world distorts love. how it's a feeling, an act, or an impulse now. not something cultivated, fought for, and selfless.
-ceramics class.
-funny looks. there are some people that i know that give the funniest looks. something about them just slay me. i guess it's because they are so distinct to said person.
-hugs. i had a day where literally ALL day i just wanted a hug. so when i got one, it was very nice.
-chai/earlgrey tea with milk and honey.
-catching up with friends far away.
-eating icing out of the can.
-taking my rest day from running
-being a rebel. always.
-night showers
-my birthday in two short weeks
-being okay with who i am.

yeah that's enough for now.

i will never not go to the ceramics studio at night

it's literally twenty degrees outside.
but in here it is warm and i have granola and everything smells like clay.

there's something magic about making things with your hands.
things you can hold, touch, mold, change.
this semester is already making me love working in three-dimensional ways.
it's cool to be able to have that in common with God.

that's really all i had to say.