twenty. vingt. veinte.

i promised myself i wouldn't write this post.
i literally said out loud "yeah that'd be too sentimental."

but here i am.

i don't really have a lot to say. except that i feel incredibly odd/blessed to now be in the magical decade known as "my twenties".
as my heart and mind grows up, i'm starting to realize the significance of age. how certain years really are important. even though your whole life matters.
nineteen was just what i expected it to be: unexpected. nothing made sense last year. nothing. even in hindsight, most of it is still confusing. my decisions were irrational for most of my nineteenth year and the consequences were mostly more confusion...not direct punishment.

i think if i could categorize my nineteenth year with a word it would be "aimless".  don't get me wrong. last year had a purpose and my God is always always faithful. what i did last year mattered. what i'm saying is, i thought so much about everything last year, that i didn't have time to really think about anything. (okay, i know that sounds seriously mental, but it really makes sense...) my own neurotic tendencies completely shattered the possibility of my experiencing life in a healthy way. i just wandered in and out of different situations and circumstances like a wounded animal without a home.

so twenty is here now. nothing changes overnight, but i really would like to be able to turn my mind off, so to speak. i would like to stop thinking about everything all the time and just come back to the fundamental facts that i'm alive and have a heart that is beating and a God that is sovereign. i would like to stop rationalizing anything and everything into the ground. i would like to be more trusting and less cynical. i'd like to get better at loving people without fear of disappointment/of being disappointing. most of all, i would like to love Jesus so much more and so much fuller than i have. love Him to the point that i can accept things and stop trying to create my own scenarios where everything works out...or where everything fails.

so yeah. i'm twenty. this is a new decade. and it's going to be the best one i've lived yet.
right?
right.