noiselessly patient

after a three day weekend (yes, i skipped two classes friday...no, i'm not sorry) and the longest nap i've had in a while, i feel like i'm ready to face the week and share a few thoughts.

while working a lot, going to school a lot, being long distance with my best friend (jen) and my boyfriend/bestfriend (david) a lot has been extremely grueling and time-consuming, i really don't feel the need to express my concerns about it. even on the absolute worst dismal days, i know it will pass.
and that's that.

honestly, my biggest concern right now is answering that daunting question "what the (insert word of choice here) am i doing with myself after i graduate?!"

i think how i feel about it can best be illustrated by this nice poem by none other than the unfocused, passionate, free-versing, american classic: walt whitman.

A NOISELESS, patient spider,
I mark’d, where, on a little promontory, it stood, isolated;
Mark’d how, to explore the vacant, vast surrounding,
It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself;
Ever unreeling them—ever tirelessly speeding them.	5
And you, O my Soul, where you stand,
Surrounded, surrounded, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing,—seeking the spheres, to connect them;
Till the bridge you will need, be form’d—till the ductile anchor hold;
Till the gossamer thread you fling, catch somewhere, O my Soul.	10

*side note: you need to read this out loud. "filament, filament, filament" and "gossamer" are perhaps the most delicious things to say.

anyway, i'm meeting tomorrow with my sweet, quiet-spirited poetry professor to get some advice on internships etc. i've been thinking about what i'm really wanting to do (post-graduating) all weekend. and well, i just keep coming up empty. i'm like the spider and the soul mentioned. i'm "ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing." it's interesting that my whole life i thought that i would know what's up by now. but man, i am clueless.

that said, i think it's important to be "noiselessly patient" during this time of transition. i think it's okay to be open to whatever may come. it's also important to realize that every decision is a determiner of my future. not only do the big ones matter, but (this part is really nice) because i have a God that is complex as well as caring, the decisions that seem meaningless are intricately integrated into His plan for me. 

this is why i'm making peace with being a noiseless, patient young woman who is casting her gossamer (man, that word) thread while i "explore the vacant, vast surrounding."

and that's that.