Psalm 42

  As a deer pants for flowing streams,

so pants my soul for you, O God.

  My soul thirsts for God,

for vthe living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?

  My tears have been my food

day and night,

while they say to me all the day long,

“Where is your God?”

  These things I remember,

as I pour out my soul:

how I would go with the throng

and lead them in procession to the house of God

with glad shouts and songs of praise,

a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

fHope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;

therefore I remember you

from the land of Jordan and of iHermon,

from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep

at the roar of your waterfalls;

all your breakers and your waves

have gone over me.

  By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,

and at night his song is with me,

a prayer to the God of my life.

  I say to God, my rock:

“Why have you forgotten me?

Why do I go mourning

because of the oppression of the enemy?”

  As with a deadly wound in my bones,

my adversaries taunt me,

while they say to me all the day long,

“Where is your God?”

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

It is strange how cyclical life is.
While making coffee this morning, I listened to a praise song built around Psalm 42 . Suddenly, feelings and memories from 2012 came back to me. That Psalm meant so much to me then. In fact, it was so relevant to my life that I wrote this post. Although I am at such a different place than I was then, the Psalm is still so relevant. I became sad last night thinking about how I'm not going to be a student anymore. I'm by no means terrified of the future or what is to come. I think I grew sad because I am leaving a unique time that has been so littered with beautiful things.

It is a little cliché to compare the academic journey to a storm, but I am. So many times, I felt the "breakers and waves" crash over me with late nights, early mornings, broken sculptures, failed attempts, missing classes, and lots of crying. So many times, professors, classmates, and friends have asked me "where is your God?" The panic has set in and my soul has been cast down.

Even this week, as the shore became nearer, I asked "God, why this storm?"
Psalm 42 told me why today.
My wins and accomplishments have been blessings.
My losses have proved that I am only satisfied in my Lord.

In closing, I want to encourage you. God is not only the director of storms. He is loving on you during the day, and singing to you at night. He remembers you and He saves you. He is with you in the deep.

thoughts on moving on.

"dear Father, let me look for Your grace in everything. let me want Your love more than anything. and let me hear Your voice above the noise."
-from may 15th.

i remember writing that prayer. it was the beginning of a new habit. it was a turning point in my thinking.

even the short while after school ended and summer began, i felt that it was going to be a hard summer. the reality of me not working at camp and being alone and over-committing myself didn't hit me until halfway through june, but my heart felt it much earlier than that. the healing that came this summer came only through my seeking and God's willingness to be sought out. i have learned repeatedly that He provides. i have learned of my worth as an individual. and i have learned to tune out the cacophony of negativity around me and hear the loving voice of my Father. needless to say, a huge amount of healing has taken place this summer.

as i face this semester and the close of my career as an undergraduate student, i am excited. i'm excited that my life will be moving on so rapidly. i'm excited that david will be back. i'm excited that my classes are all super interesting.

but most of all, i'm excited for this new season of celebration. i feel like a new, rejuvenated person. this new self hardly recognizes the exhausted, lonely, and defeated young woman i was when i wrote that prayer in may. and hallelujah for that!

i'm not one to make predictions, but i have a pretty strong feeling about this semester. i feel that it will be so full of peace. i feel that it will grow David's heart and my heart closer together. i feel that grace will abound.

so i'm dubbing this semester as the semester:
-of love
-of joy
-of yes
-of flourishing
-of sharing
-of new
-of Jesus
-of fearlessness
-of humility
-of strength
-of accepting weaknesses (ones of myself and others)
-of meditation
-of breathing deeply
-of less sad tears and more happy ones
-of picnics
-of camping
-of mountains and bonfires and hammocking etc.
-of newly found healthy life.

so as you and i shed our summer skin, let's lift our heads with courage and celebrate the coming of a new season.

a response.

in light of Robin Williams's recent suicide, i guess i have some thoughts to throw into the large sea of opinions being shared on social media. i don't have much to say about the actor himself that hasn't been said. he was a brilliant man who played some of my favorite characters in my favorite movies (everyone should watch Good Will Hunting and Dead Poet's Society) (i mean everyone) (really, go do it).
however, as a person who has first hand experience with depression, anxiety, etc. it pains me to read all the misguided remarks about his death. there are people glorifying his suicide and there are people criticizing it. those extreme opinions are equally as troubling to me. the thing we're discussing is not some abstract condition. it is a hunger for death and an abandonment of life that has been in our hearts since the beginning. literally everyone is born with it. it can be eased by medication (maybe) and counseling (usually) but can only be cured by a healer so beyond this world. even that perfect treatment cannot be fully completed on earth. this issue is complicated, nuanced, and as old as man, so i guess it's a little disheartening to read sweeping statements about it.

(i'm really inefficient at making transition statements...so imagine this is a witty and smooth introduction to my next thought)

the common mistake people make about Christians is that we are ignorant of the pain this world offers. the media portrays us as happy-go-lucky idiots or angry proselytizers. however, the most genuine believers i've ever met have been deeply in tune with the darkness of this world. the people who say (when reading about people like williams, plath, hemingway, etc.), "I don't understand how someone could do something like that," are commonly people who have turned away from spiritual things. as a Christian, i completely understand "how someone could do something like that"  because i am encouraged by Scripture to live joyfully in light of pain. not in ignorance. God knows the task is daunting, and so He tells humanity repeatedly to "take courage" and "not to fear." He also reminds that the task is worthwhile. we were born empty and with the continuous ache of isolation. we have grown older and have striven for fulfillment only to repeatedly realize that we have been "striving after the wind." if you really do some thinking about the average life of a human, it's a hopeless situation. i truly believe that artists of all kinds are more prone to come face to face the vanity of life because their lives are dedicated to exploring the flawed human experience.
that said, it is so clear that there is hope. whether it is seen through the gorgeousness of words, nature, movement, or emotion-it is so clear that there is hope. God has been telling all of mankind this from the beginning.

so:
if you're not sure about where your heart is with God or if you're not sure He exists or if you're positive He exists but you hate Him or if you're positive He doesn't exist and you hate Him or if you think He might exist but you're too prideful to get to know Him,
stop doing those things and start searching. God is wanting to know you and wanting to be known. the hope that He offers is real, tangible hope. and holy crap it is good. like eating ice cream in july or snowy mountains in winter. except better than that. you are offered the opportunity of an abundant life. you are offered salvation from death. and you are offered the continuous companionship of Christ.

if you're a believer and you think you're sure about where your heart is with God, keep searching and realizing the amazing responsibility you have. isaiah 61 clearly states what we need to do and who we are. some of those tasks include: binding up the broken hearted, freeing the captives, and restoring devastations of previous generations. i mean, we're called to be the sidekick of the Savior of the world's heart (so cool). it's important to note part of binding up the broken-hearted is recognizing the fact that our hearts break. part of freeing the captives is knowing the nature of captivity. part of restoring devastations is observing the wreckage with empathy. we conquer, but we understand.

yes, i am so saddened by Robin's suicide. and yes, i want to do what i can to love others and encourage them (and myself) to turn away from death as the answer.
but really, i'm more interested in the enhancement of lives through the redemption of souls, not just the saving of them.

(there's probably a better word for this)

it is kind of amazing how proud we can become of the people we love. don't get confused. it's not the sort of pride that puffs up our ego, though. it's the pride that only brings us humility.
(there's probably a better word for this feeling)

it seems like the more we love someone, the more we want to share the joy that we find in their wonderful attributes. if you ask me about my sister, i will smile as i tell of her growth and beauty. if you wanted me to share about what david's up to, i would probably not stop for a breath while telling you how much strength of character he has. if you were to mention my mom, i couldn't begin to tell you all the wonderful things she has done. there are so many other people in my life that i am immensely proud of.

but absolutely none of them compare to my Jesus.

something happened the other day that reminded me of how proud i was of Him. tuesday i was in the gym, sweating and whatnot. these days, i do not have much time for attending church and i do not have many people to fellowship with, so to temporarily (i want to emphasize the fact that this is very very temporary. i believe in the importance of the church and fellowship) replace those things, i listen to sermons/praise music almost constantly. my favorite place to do that is the gym because honestly, who doesn't get a little bored cycling/running/etc? anyway, i was cycling and listening to Travis Jones (if you haven't checked out Silverdale Saturday Nights podcast, you should) and he was sharing a story about his time in Africa. the story was essentially about how a young man came to faith in the midst of a muslim community. at the moment of his conversion, the people around him tried to intervene, but the young man was given the strength and focus to continue with his repentance and prayer. after hearing that story, my eyes began to grow misty.
before i knew it, tears were running slowly down my face. at first i thought i was crying because i was miserably hot and tired...but that wasn't the case. i was crying because i was so proud. as i heard about that young man, i thought to myself my Lord and Savior is astounding. He forgives our sins and enriches our lives. He is worth our suffering and praise and He deserves every single bit of it. at that moment in the gym, if you had seen me, you would have thought i was nuts. i was drenched in sweat, my hair was crazy, tears were on my face, and i was smiling.

i wanted to write about this on here because i am so proud. i am proud of my Redeemer and Friend. He absolutely never lets me down and He always fulfills His promises to me.

the amazing thing is that He is big enough to do that for me, you, and that young man somewhere in Africa.

so yeah, Jesus is King. and i like that.

noiselessly patient

after a three day weekend (yes, i skipped two classes friday...no, i'm not sorry) and the longest nap i've had in a while, i feel like i'm ready to face the week and share a few thoughts.

while working a lot, going to school a lot, being long distance with my best friend (jen) and my boyfriend/bestfriend (david) a lot has been extremely grueling and time-consuming, i really don't feel the need to express my concerns about it. even on the absolute worst dismal days, i know it will pass.
and that's that.

honestly, my biggest concern right now is answering that daunting question "what the (insert word of choice here) am i doing with myself after i graduate?!"

i think how i feel about it can best be illustrated by this nice poem by none other than the unfocused, passionate, free-versing, american classic: walt whitman.

A NOISELESS, patient spider,
I mark’d, where, on a little promontory, it stood, isolated;
Mark’d how, to explore the vacant, vast surrounding,
It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself;
Ever unreeling them—ever tirelessly speeding them.	5
And you, O my Soul, where you stand,
Surrounded, surrounded, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing,—seeking the spheres, to connect them;
Till the bridge you will need, be form’d—till the ductile anchor hold;
Till the gossamer thread you fling, catch somewhere, O my Soul.	10

*side note: you need to read this out loud. "filament, filament, filament" and "gossamer" are perhaps the most delicious things to say.

anyway, i'm meeting tomorrow with my sweet, quiet-spirited poetry professor to get some advice on internships etc. i've been thinking about what i'm really wanting to do (post-graduating) all weekend. and well, i just keep coming up empty. i'm like the spider and the soul mentioned. i'm "ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing." it's interesting that my whole life i thought that i would know what's up by now. but man, i am clueless.

that said, i think it's important to be "noiselessly patient" during this time of transition. i think it's okay to be open to whatever may come. it's also important to realize that every decision is a determiner of my future. not only do the big ones matter, but (this part is really nice) because i have a God that is complex as well as caring, the decisions that seem meaningless are intricately integrated into His plan for me. 

this is why i'm making peace with being a noiseless, patient young woman who is casting her gossamer (man, that word) thread while i "explore the vacant, vast surrounding."

and that's that.

notes on the notion of being fastened (in love).

i wrote this morning for the first time in months. i typed this out: "this has been the semester of things not working out." and then breathed a sigh.
that's not completely the truth. obviously there have been some joyful moments of smooth sailing and fun times.
but the majority of the time, it has been the case. papers, sculptures, classes, fun plans, seeing my family, and (most recently) wedding showers have just not been able to happen the way that i had hoped. sometimes that has been a good lesson of patience or submission to God's plan. sometimes it's only resulted crushing disappointment. i feel a little beaten at the close of this semester.

that said, a comforting truth has become quite real to me this week.
in the ever-popular hymn "come thou fount of every blessing," the author wrote these words:

praise the mount, i'm fixed upon it / mount of Thy redeeming love

as i said before, this semester-and really this year-has been a real doozy. it has left me spinning, straying, doubting, and pouting. i can openly acknowledge the fact that i have not been seeking Christ as i should. i have not felt His presence or heard His voice. but i am fixed upon the mount of His redeeming love.
the word "fixed" is defined as follows:

fixedfikst/adjective
1.fastened securely in position.
"a fixed iron ladder down the port side"

synonyms:

fastened

i am so wide-eyed and wild in this season. i am frightened and running any way i think is going to bring me peace. i have longed for my Father and have lost faith in the fact He longs for me.
my heart has stopped conversing with my head and my knowledge of His goodness is overshadowed with my own feeling of being abandoned.
and yet.
i am fixed upon a great mountain of mercy, life, and redeeming love.
i am fastened securely in a position that was specially made for me long ago.
i am His and there is nothing in the world that is going to change that.
although i am not in yet in a season of sweet communion with the Father, i am at a new level of peace.
i know for a fact that He cannot turn His back on me. even when i wander and attempt to leave the God i love, i am all the while fastened tightly to His heart.

christmas eve-eve

christmas eve-eve is my favorite day. i think i might even like it more than christmas day.
it's exciting and relaxing and full of anticipation and chaos and something about it is always perfect.

that aside, this christmas break has been a weird one. i have felt like more like a spectator than a participant. it's weird to be absent from my own home for a long enough time that it makes it strange to come back for more than a handful of days. i guess that is a part of growing up and such. but it's still weird. the weirdest thing about this christmas has been the lack of focus on Christ as a baby. as i have read and prayed and listened to prepare myself for the season, i have been drawn to the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ more than His birth. He became a human child to bring hope to all mankind.
and to die for all mankind.

so i rarely have complete thoughts. today it is worse than usual.
so to distract you from the disjointedness of this post, here is a list of things that i've been taught this christmas season:

my life is not my own
i am loved loved loved
family units are difficult but worth it
love takes work
love is a joy
friends are absolutely priceless
sometimes rest is more important than anything
i have a gentle Father tenderly telling me each day to wait for His Son's return
i am prone to wander
breathing is important
focusing on the root of the problem often soothes tension
we are broken broken broken people
christmas lights are beautiful
christmas music is tacky and perfect
good coffee made by my dad everyday is something i've missed
time is precious
"now" is precious
never ever be afraid to tell someone how much they're worth to you
never ever be afraid to tell someone how much they're worth to Jesus


that's about all.

happy christmas eve-eve.

all at once i knew, i was not magnificent

i hate feeling weak.
whether it is a physical or a mental or a spiritual or an emotional shortcoming, it doesn't matter. i still hate it. Thanksgiving was a lovely time with my family and friends and rest, but my weakness became more and more apparent. my inability to rightly deal with disappointments and my own sin mounted until the night before i left to come back to Johnson City.
when i could no longer handle it i laid in my dark, warm bedroom and i cried. that frustrated me further and made me feel even weaker. so (of course) i fought the tears valiantly. but even then i lost. instead of sobbing for a few minutes and being done with it, i laid for four hours with my throat tight, my eyes burning, and a small pool of tears accumulating on my pillow.
on the drive back to school, the sun rose. the moon hung silvery and crescent-shaped. there were stars in the dark blue sky along with the rose-colored signs of dawn.
it was breathtaking.
then all at once i knew, i was not magnificent. i am weak.. i am foolish and irrational and it is so good/painful to be reminded of that. but that is how it is supposed to be. if i was strong and wise and perfect i wouldn't be in desperate need of saving.
so i guess what i am saying is this post-thanksgiving season has gotten me thinking about what i am thankful for. presently, i am so grateful for this:


      But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise;God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
- 1st Corintians 1:26-31


God chooses the weak. the foolish. even the despised.
and gifts them with strength. with wisdom. with redemption.

and turns them into something glorious.

that's totally worthy of gratitude.

hocus pocus focus locus

the amount of focused i have been this semester is a little magical to me. i have not just "skipped class", i have not procrastinated (half as much), i have gotten sleep (most of the time), have kept a (somewhat steady) workout routine, and have spent time with Jesus everyday.

if you know me, this is not at all congruous with my typical disheveled self. if i didn't know any better, i would say that a dramatic personality shift has taken place.

but this, in fact, is not at all true.

the biggest contributing factor (to my whole life but also) to this semester's success is the letting go of my (feeble) belief in the idea that my locus of control is internal. a whole-hearted surrendering to Jesus Christ every day has relieved the pressure and left only passion for (most of) the subjects i've been given to study (this statement excludes statistics. i have no passion for it. whatsoever. ew). 

within two weeks i have: cast bronze, written and presented an abstract for a research paper, began my last sculpture of the semester, thrown up outside of michael's, heard a poetry reading, worked with a world class artist, fell more in love with east tennessee, grown more fond of david, signed up for spring classes, and found out a definite graduation date.

that has left me a bit (emotionally and, at certain times, physically) dizzy. but there is still a peaceful gratitude that pervades my relationships, my speech, and even the way i plan. i am fully confident that "today" comes and goes like a wind. that thought just doesn't distress me as it used to. the time for me to know "where i'm going" is approaching so quickly, but i have never been so at peace with not knowing as i am now.

i don't believe in an external locus of control that leaves my life up to chance. that would be a miserable existence. instead, i rest boldly in the knowledge that i have a loving, guiding, ever-present Father. He is there. with me. 

alwaysalwaysalways. 

so as i am thinking on graduation and finals and a new year and growing older, i am unconcerned with the possibility that my fragile plans will fall through or that i will get hurt or even that i may fail at something crucial in my life. 

i know that He is with me. and that is enough.


post-script: this post is really scattered and unfocused. and it initially was supposed to be about how focus has become a part of my life. the irony abounds.

and you don't know why

i lack organization skills and i have a terrible logical flow.
so i'm going to split this post into two stories that come to one conclusion about my generation and society at large.
i hope that's alright.

A. last night, i had the incredible privilege to see five bands play that i know and respect on a college campus. they were all very talented in their own right, and i enjoyed them immensely.
the highlight of the night for me, though, was listening to my long-time favorite, night beds.

winston yellen sauntered onto the stage and my anticipation grew. he was obviously nervous (and slightly intoxicated) but as soon as he began to sing, that didn't matter. there is a vulnerability and a power to yellen's music that is almost prayer-like. his rhythms tend to be deeply rooted .if his music could lean into any genres it would be old-style country or jazz. that said, there is something intensely spiritual and introspective about his work, regardless of his broken worldview.

so he's up there, singing us soft songs about love and darkness and isolation. the words are piercing and relatable. i took a look around me, and the majority of the students there had blank expressions on their faces and looked like could not care less. stuff like that slays me.

B. last week, i was driving home to open for my largest musical inspiration (courtney marie andrews).  i was obviously nervous (but not intoxicated...just didn't want that parallel to yellin to cause any confusion) so i listened to the radio all the way to chattanooga. i generally stick to npr, the classical station, or oldies when i do turn on my radio. but this time, i just put on the "mainstream" music.

it was almost incredible to me that, song after song, what was being expressed (under a disguise of whiny voices and identical musical structures) was always apathy and despair and a longing for sexual satisfaction. those things all go hand-in-hand. those kinds of emptinesses (that's probably not a word) all point to Christ. and no one can see that. stuff like that slays me.

both of these stories are stark pictures of my generation (and society at large). we are a generation that suffers from intense isolation (due to whatever thing you want to blame it on) and a loose understanding of love and friendship. we are afraid to care about anything (like the students i mentioned) because we are afraid of being rejected from our peer group and becoming an unloved outcast. we are afraid to care about soulful things because we know that if we look long enough, we will see our weaknesses. we are afraid to be sober because we know that, in an a state aware of pain, we will be sad. we are afraid to be alone, but also afraid to be committed to loving someone else. we are afraid to do all these things. so we become sketch-like renditions of humans with hearts instead of the real deal.

the saddest thing about all of this, is that none of it is new. we are living in an ecclesiastical world where everything, even my life or your life, is a vapor. and when we live without the empowering love of Christ and the enabling grace of God and the inspiring fire of the Holy Spirit, it is indeed a vapid life.

the most joyous thing about all of this, is that we don't have to be apathetic and despondent. we have the choice (what a beautiful word) to commit to something real. it is a scary choice, so scary that many turn away from it, but it is the best one.

the lyrics to one song by night beds are:

when the sorrow comes,
and you don't know why,
come into my arms.
i'll hold you through the night.
and in the morning light,
we'll be sure to find
a kind of love so strong
it will make us cry faithful heights.

i know you get lost sometimes, man
i know you get lost.
i know you get lost sometimes, man
i know you get lost.
whenever you get lost, man
whenever you get lost, man
whenever you get lost, man
whenever you get lost 
hold my hand.

yellen usually performs this song without music. his voice rises up like a plaintive prayer.
this song is like what Jesus calls out to us. He assures us that when the sorrow comes and we don't know why, He alone is the one to hold us. He leads us to a powerful love. He brings us to our knees.

but until you or i or anyone else acknowledges that He is there and He is love and He is all,

we are lost.

don't choose to live a small, a frightened, and an aimless life, there is so much in this world (and infinitely more in the spiritual world) to actually care about.

monday morning thoughts

it is early enough where the mist and frost is still thick around my door in my apartment. i am drinking coffee and literally minutes from heading down to a statistics exam that i tried desperately to prepare for.
i have been thinking about acceptance a lot. partly because that has always been a struggle of mine (accepting myself more than others) and partly because a couple dear people i know are reading Brennan Manning's Ragamuffin Gospel. this book is a gem that deals with accepting love from Jesus and others. besides love, i feel like it is often hard to accept what you really are.

let me elaborate a little (i have exactly eight minutes until i need to go...so it won't be too long. promise)

i spent most of highschool over-committing myself and kind of drowning myself with friends and fellowship. i thought i loved it, when the reality is, it drove me crazy. i remember so many times coming home from a function or a retreat or a class or a game night feeling so drained. i spent a lot of time honing my people skills to the point where i could make a friend within an hour. the result of all of this was me thinking that i had a large personality and a loud voice and a boisterously fun disposition. in my mind, i was the girl in the group that would initiate the fun and lead it brilliantly. i did not at all see that my chaotic social life and my long list of friends were correlated with feelings of isolation and depression. i rarely spent time with myself. when i did, it was uncomfortable and i would usually find someone to see or be with.
after hard lessons about God's ability to open my eyes to my own dark heart, i realized i am a small woman. yes, i do love people. i am capable of initiating. i am passionate about loving my friends well. but i need to be with just Jesus and just me at least a little bit a day, or i grow terribly blue. it's just fact.
i used to think something was a little bit wrong with me. but i know now that that something is part of what makes me beautiful and pleasing to God.

all this to say,
God glories in creating the small people or the quiet people or the loners or the introverts or whatever you call them. He painstakingly made us so that we would long for solitude and long for Him.
and it's kind of nice.

that's really all. i might be late for that exam. oops.

p.s. God of course delights in extroverts as well. no partiality there.

may His beauty rest upon me.

i feel like i always have things i want to write about, but i never get the time to really sit down and write. much of my time is spent doing school which is draining and interesting and i never quite feel like i'm done. but that's alright.
this week i have felt so many blessings. blessings in my relationships, blessings in academics, and blessings in things like feeling made beautiful and loved by my Savior.
last weekend, i brought david home to meet the family (talk about a strange experience) and it was all sunshine and meeting people and seeing loved ones. during church we sang a hymn that touched my heart so deeply. it's been my anthem all semester and i haven't even known it. katie barclay wilkinson gave me words to quantify what i've been feeling as of late.

and it's perfect:

May the mind of Christ my Savior
Live in me from day to day,
By His love and pow’r controlling
  All I do and say.

May the Word of Christ dwell richly
In my heart from hour to hour,
So that all may see I triumph
  Only through His pow’r.

May the peace of Christ my Savior
Rule my life in every thing,
That I may be calm to comfort
  Sick and sorrowing.

May the love of Jesus fill me,
As the waters fill the sea;
Him exalting, self abasing,
  This is victory.

May I run the race before me,
Strong and brave to face the foe,
Looking only unto Jesus
  As I onward go.

May His beauty rest upon me
As I seek the lost to win,
And may they forget the channel,
  Seeing only Him.

-Katie Barclay Wilkinson.

summer debriefing project. week eight.

this is the final week of my project. i'm home now. and although life is wonderful and full of nice things to share here, it's strange to blog about being home the same as i do camp/haiti. so i'm stopping after this.

so dramatic.

anyway, the summer at camp ended quietly. nothing too ridiculous happened. so i'm just going to make a list.

this summer was:

the summer of the chant. we chanted everyone's names as much as we could. especially RY-AN, and JAR-RED, and CAT AND KEAGAN.

the summer of power. i was continually surprised at the power of the gospel/Holy Spirit. i know i shouldn't have been, but God was working some crazy things in me that were amazing and encouraging.

the summer of loving others earnestly. i learned SO MUCH about dying to myself and loving others truly and pushing through differences in a healthy way and dealing with conflict and loneliness and isolation and oh my GOSH was it an awesome summer because of that! it didn't matter if it was david or jen or julie or anyone, i just learned how to be a more loving person. and different ways to show that love.

the summer of having astonishing campers. my campers were (for the most part) strong, loving, incredible people that inspired me greatly. i can't stress how many times i underestimated my campers. then i'd have porch talks with them or something and they'd blow me away with their stories of God's work in them.

the summer of music. in haiti and at camp, the worship seemed sweeter and more heartfelt. i was immersed from the beginning of the summer to the end in music.

the summer of praise. praising in my prayers or in my speech or in my life became more of a priority to me this summer. i prayed at church yesterday and jason turned to me and said "that was like, 80% praise." and i just nodded. that's been what i've learning to focus on this year. and it's a cool experience.

the summer hashtagging. as silly as that is, hashtagging RIDICULOUS things with the girls quickly became something that would frequently put a smile on my face.

the summer of snugglebussing. snugglebussing is the best. and i miss it. so much. the end.

the summer of stillness. so much of my summer was full of quiet moments where i got to listen. i listened to the earth singing and God's voice and it was perfect.

basically, this was the best summer of my life to date. and it's not quite over yet. but this year at camp was the sweetest year. not because everything was my "last this" or "last that"...but because i felt so fully present wherever i was and felt so full of Christ. i always come home from camp exhausted (in body and spirit). but this time i came home revived (at least in spirit...) and ready for the fall.

and with that, i conclude my project for this summer. it's been real.

stay sweet.

summer debriefing project. week seven.

hello all.
it's crazy for me to think that it's really been seven weeks since i've started this whole "weekly blogging" thing. it's been a labor of love for me and i've really benefitted from it. so much so that i might continue a form of it some way or another this fall. we'll see.

anyway, let's start:

sunday: sunday was a bit weird. we had church at camp and jonathan taught on ecclesiastes. it was really beneficial and different from most of the lessons that had been shared in the past. i really enjoyed it. i was really excited about the week because i had youngest girls with jenny. i knew that one of our campers was going to be a handful, but everyone else was kind of new to me. sunday went by really quickly. mostly jenny and i just laughed at the little girls. they decided to call us their momma bird. let me tell you, there is nothing creepier than being in the middle of a field and having a little girl (that you barely know) walk up to you and say "mommyyyy." the day past as sundays usually do. it was weird to think "this is my last sunday as a counselor". my mind moved past that pretty quickly, though. the night game was a little different than usual. from the get-go, ryan (our camp director) was acting kind of loopy. so when he met us in the basement and said "i've been brainstorming", we new something was going to be different about the week.

monday: monday started with an early morning and sun. jenny and i checked cabins and took naps during our free periods. it was nice to just have some time to hang out with her. she's pretty fun to be around and such. the last twenty minutes of rest hour was really fun. we had a stretching circle and wrote a pretty crazy story. monday afternoon we played a game that i can't for the life of me remember. i bet it involved running and being in the sun. but i really can't remember. monday night campfire was a sweet one for me. i sat quietly and wrote while ryan spoke. i feel like this marked the beginning of the de-loading process of week five. as the week went on, i became more and more focused on emptying my mind so i could stay focused. i don't know if that makes sense to you, but it makes so much sense to me. cabin devotions were absolutely crazy. if i learned anything this week, it's that nine-year-old girls are crazy. and they (for the most part) cannot listen that long. hahaha i think we were asked four separate times how old God was this night. jen and i explained it the first few times we were asked...and then we were just like "what did we JUST say" after that.

tuesday: ah this day was so nice. the morning started early (per usual) and  we all found out that we had the most campers this summer than ever before. ryan had said at the beginning of the summer that if we broke the record, he would shave his head into a mohawk. so obviously we got excited for the mohawk to come. this morning, jenny and i checked cabins and took showers and then went to the coffeeshop in livingston with jacob. it was nice to get away from camp for an hour and sit in quiet. i wrote letters and we all talked very little. tuesday afternoon we went on the mountain hike. it was really fun. i love the mountain hike a lot, but this one just sticks out in my mind. me and two of my girls (micah and sarah) sat on the rocks at the top and looked. we looked at things we liked and pointed them out to each other. micah liked the brightness of the sun on the leaves. sarah liked how water sparkled on the rocks. we all liked the color of the moss. it was a beautiful time and inspired me greatly. camp always reminds me at how good it is to live in a constant state of wonder. tuesday night was the forty-yard dash. it was a crazy time that was full of funny stretches and todd wearing my dress and me just laughing a lot.
campfire went well. i absolutely love singing with anna. she has a lovely voice and our voices meld really well together. so worship this week was really fun. the night game was night-octaball. mostly it was spent trying to keep the campers from freaking out. devotions was short and sweet. we all started porch talks this night. it definitely was an eye-opening experience for me. it s so humbling to be a counselor and talk to girls who are vastly more wise and spiritually sound than you are. it's even more humbling to talk to a littler girl who really doesn't have much of a clue about what God's grace and love really is. i had to go back to the basics and it was a really good lesson for me.

wednesday: the summer has been a really long one. and it definitely began wearing on my health this day. i started getting a bad cold/flu. i really loved polar-bearing this morning. i don't exactly know why. i think it was because the girls and jenny got so into it. activities went well. there were some really sweet return-campers in jacob's and i's photography class. it was also fun to just hang out with jacob all morning. he's such a cool cat. wednesday rest hour was pretty much crazy. i threatened bank time and gave out bank time a lot. during snack shack, jenny and i checked cabins. no one knew we were coming then so the cabins were pretty messy. the funnest thing about being cabin inspector is feeling like you get to go behind the scenes and see how the boys cabins are. mostly they're gross and occupied by shirtless boy counselors. our girls did the zip line this afternoon. they had enough people working it, so i worked the climbing tower with a jr. counselor named hunter. hunter's so cool and we became pretty close friends this summer. i kind of treasure the nice talk we had. by this time, i was getting pretty attached to a couple of our girls. isabelle is a cute little freckled girl with read hair and the hugest brown eyes ever. her demeanor is really sweet and obedient. micah was another girl that i just loved to pieces. she has wild blonde hair and was so so spunky. we took hose showers and got ready for banquet. the little girls are really fun with banquet because they like to dress up, but they're not trying to impress any boys or anything. so they don't have to look perfect. i liked this banquet night a lot. it was a little crazy because it was the last one, but it was also nice. campfire was beautiful. i usually am not super emotional, but i was this night. i don't know if it was a combination of being tired and seeing ryan struggle to get the message out or what, but by the time he was done delivering the gospel, i was in tears. some of our campers stayed behind at the campfire afterwards. one of them accepted Christ! it was a little magical to sit with jenny and pray for ryan and listen to him answer the kids' questions. after this sweet evening came chaos. when jen and i got back to the cabin, some of the girls that stayed back at the campfire began trying to baptize each other in the bathroom. it was a mixture of frustrating and hilarious. i had a very rough porch talk this night that ended in hysterical tears from my camper and sympathetic ones from jenny and i. it's so hard to be a child. especially if your home life is less than perfect. my camper didn't know what she could do to change it, but she did know she adored her family and couldn't ever leave them. it was kind of ridiculously heartbreaking.

thursday: it rained a lot this day. i kind loved it. we had extended rest hour because of the rain and planned the BEST skit ever. jenny was the mastermind behind the whole thing. after the nice rest, we checked cabins. isabelle, micah, and i went on a "mud run" with a small group this day. it was super fun and muddy and exhausting. mostly it was fun to just do something so different from the usual afternoon activity. thursday night skit night was one of the best ones yet. jenny and i didn't know where to have unit campfire, so we had it at the burn barrel. it was so fun and super adorable to see all the little girls around the fire. we roasted marshmallows like proper little hobos. although the girls weren't particularly focused, it was really nice to minister to them next to jenny. i feel like this week was really good for me because it showed me a whole new side of jen. we are so different in a lot of things, but we work really well together. porch talks ran pretty short this evening and i got to go to sleep early. it was relieving to know that i didn't have to teach another devotion for a while. that sounds bad, but camp leaves you so exhausted spiritually. you give and give and give and are rarely filled yourself. it's good to know that i have a time ahead of me where i can be on the other end of the whole discipling thing.

friday: this day went by the fastest out of all the days this summer. i felt like i got out of bed, blinked, and then got back into bed. photography ended well. rest hour was hilarious. jen and i had "snugglebus" time. this is where we say "snuggle bussss" and everybody gets on jenny's bed and snuggles. jenny and i were pretty delirious at this point, so everything was funny. water day went well. it was the first water day in a while that it was actually really hot. so the pool felt super nice. i almost had a meltdown friday evening before awards. the girls were crazy and super disobedient (excluding three or so of our campers who actually listened) and they were wearing on my nerves. i also was just SO tired. so i went into the freezer and screamed. the freezer's soundproof so it was super satisfying. i got to talk to erin (a really cool jr. counselor) and that was a sweet time. ryan's mohawk was cut and everybody went crazy! worship this night was probably the most moving because i knew it was the last time that i would be apart of bonfire worship on the island. i watched as the sun set and the moon rose. as we sang "how he loves", a cool breeze stirred the leaves around us. it was truly marvelous. it also got me thinking of how much God's love is like a cool breeze on a hot summer evening. it comforts and refreshes and revives. testimonies went well. i (like usual) wasn't planning on sharing. but then i realized that this was my last night ever. so i did. i used the fact that i had been thinking on how to carry camp with me this fall to my advantage and challenged the campers to do the same. it was so incredible to feel like none of the words i was speaking were my own. i felt  that they were all the Holy Spirit speaking through me. the "friday night party" that usually happens didn't really happen this night. our girls were being so rambunctious that both jenny and i put on our momma voices and scolded them into submission. after that it was fun. we took webcam photos and had one last snugglebus time. then jen and sarah and i stayed up until two making the slideshow. that was kind of a perfect way to end the week. it was quiet and fun and full of lots of laughter.

saturday: was so nice. the campers left and it was sad. some of them i will legitimately miss a LOT. jenny and i cleaned the cabin with our jr. counselor (peyton) and then we popped bubble wrap to celebrate. we slept in the pine forest and took showers and such. last night we had a little banquet for the staff. it was a really sweet time. we laughed and danced to sinatra and had "goobie" awards. the most impacting part of the night was hearing ryan share his thoughts on the summer. he teared up within seconds of starting his testimony. i instantly knew i was going to cry. out of everyone at camp, i will miss ryan the most. he talked about what a blessing we were to him and he encouraged us (with such zeal) that our work was not in vain this summer. ah. it was so wonderful and so influencing and so inspiring. i cried pretty openly. afterwards, we all did dishes and laughed and danced some more. anna, julie, hannah, jenny, and i went to sonic and looked at the lightning. the night ended with anna and i giggling in my bunk and agreeing that this was the best summer of camp yet.

today's been nice. i went to church with a group from camp and said some final goodbyes. i got to spend some time one-on-one with hannah and drive a lot in the rain.
i've had the best summer counseling at camp. but i'm so glad that my time at camp isn't over. i still am working almost two weeks of retreats with some of my most favorite people and that's so exciting to me. i think it will give me a chance to detox and work camp out of my system...instead of quitting it cold turkey.

overview: this week has definitely talk me the importance of being able to deliver the gospel simply. it doesn't always have to be a big, theological presentation. it really just comes down to the fact that God loves us and we can accept that love through Jesus's blood. it's also taught me more about jenny's and i's friendship and how i can better love her.
this summer (counseling wise) has first and foremost taught me that God's power is so much bigger than my own. He is so large and i can simply rest in that. it's taught me that the best times are the hardest. and that He really is the source of every good thing that i can express. whether it be love, or patience, or wisdom, any time i can be those, it's because of the Lord's grace and provision.

it's been a beautiful summer, but it's not over yet!

331b

i am sitting on my bed in a room with terribly sad bare walls and one lovely large window.
it's weird to think about missing a room, but i am going to miss 331b.

this semester has been such a full one. i am glad that it's over, but not in the way i have been glad to be done with semesters in the past. i am not glad that it's over because i'm empty of every emotion. i am not glad that it's over because school had become so stressful or such a huge burden. i am mostly glad that it's over because i know that it's time for me to rest and adventure all summer.

i wish i could rightfully describe all that i've learned this semester.

academically, it has been an interesting time. i took my first three-dimensional art classes this semester and they completely changed my artistic process and thinking. i had a professor that truly treated her students like peers (she called us "fellow scholars") and that encouraged me greatly. i fell in love with a language and was inspired greatly by the lilting sounds of french.

personally, i have been so incredibly blessed. i had the wonderful chance to make some new friends that i now love dearly. i will never look at studying in the cave or going to panera on tuesdays or sharing candy in classrooms quite the same. the people i had only really been acquaintances with last semester became people i could cherish. i also experienced what truly caring for someone is like and how that effects my life.

emotionally, i have been the most stable i've been in years. i'm not even kidding. i cried the first day of this year. i felt the weight of the previous few years creeping back into my heart and it startled me. when i got to school, i felt clueless and aimless and was craving for something completely new. that new thing was being happy. granted, there were times where i was tired, stressed, and confused. there were even a few times i was rather sad. regardless, the happy in my life has been steady. and that is a beautiful thing.

spiritually, i have been at peace. i could write a whole book about how peaceful my heart has been this semester, in spite of new things in my life that could make it unsettled. i would say Christ has been my rock, but that just seems so small. so i'll say He has been my mountain. He has surrounded me with His presence and taught me how to accept love and has filled me with peace.

artistically, this has been an incredibly inspiring time. i have been challenged so much that my whole artistic self/style is shifting. and i love it.

all of those things have been thought about in this room. on this bed. next to this window.
usually with a candle burning or music playing or the sound of David's voice telling me something new about himself. yes, it has been a lovely time in this little room. and that's that.

forget you

The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether.
-c.s. lewis

lately life has been too beautiful for me to spend much time writing about it. i have been overwhelmed with love, joy, and peace. it's a fairly new thing for me to be consistently happy and the experience has been wonderful so far.

i ran across that quote (above) this morning while welcoming a new week and drinking black coffee. i whispered "oh clive, how true." and furiously underlined it with a marker. the context of the quote is a chapter on Pride in Mere Christianity. Lewis speaks of Pride as the chief vice of man and he says that one who is really aware of Christ's love and grace cannot have an all-consuming Pride.

there is something sort of stunning about that statement. the transforming nature of love is so powerful and real. when we begin to accept and believe that we are loved and wanted by a God who knows absolutely everything about us, our sense of self-worth becomes obsolete. we forget about who we think we should be and all we see is love. this isn't easy. and it's so gradual. but when you get a glimpse of yourself through that filter, it's a strong and beautiful thing that is not easily forgotten.

so yeah, through love comes humility.
isn't that nice?

Use your words.

one week of classes has gone by.
this week was beautiful. full of freezing cold and snow and grey and now I look out and there's beautiful rain.
days like today just make me live a little more vividly.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with what I wanted to talk about.
The other day, I tweeted (I have a twitter. not I'm not going to tell you what my name/thing is, and no, I'm not proud of it) a Bible verse. After I had done so, I experienced a nice feeling. It's the same feeling I get every time I share a hymn on Facebook or write about Jesus on here.
It's like a "yes! I'm sharing my faith!" feeling.
The sad truth is, that feeling is so artificial. It's not satisfying. When I use social media to promote my word view, it's doing just that. It's promoting my ideologies and beliefs. It's not really "sharing" my faith.

This thought causes me to be overwhelmed with my own inability to really tell someone about the hope that I have.
I used to think (and say, quite often...which, when you really think about it, is quite ironic): "preach the gospel, and when necessary, use words." I would live by that. So when I shared something or (more recently) tweeted something, it was like an extra credit project. My thought process was seriously and totally "I live out my faith, so writing about it is basically going the extra mile." OH MAN, how deceived I have been.

Since the beginning of Humanity (and most likely before) God has used words. That has been his way of communicating. His actions have been the affirmation and an accessory of His words. While on earth, Jesus was all about personally communicating His truths and mercies and lessons to people. Physically (more or less) speaking to people has always been God's way. So where do I get off?! Thinking that I can just keep quiet and be satisfied with that. SHEESH.

Last night at Cru, the leader read this passage:
   
   And I saw the Holy City, new Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. Ad I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold I am making all things new." Also He said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
                                                                                             -Revelation 21:2-5

That is what our life on this earth amounts to, points to, and rejoices in. The Lord describes the most incredible picture of complete satisfaction and just when you think He's done He adds: "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

I guess this whole post boils down to three points:

If you belong to Christ, the trustworthy and true message that you believe in is too gorgeously fulfilling to keep to yourself

Preach the Gospel, and (because it is always necessary) use words. God did, so we should too.

(I feel like this last point could be a whole other post) Your actions are the affirmation of your words. They accessorize your life. They are the physical illustrations that accompany your Spiritual story.


                   

fifty two

year of our lord
two thousand and twelve:

to you, two thousand and twelve.

to the calming explorations of sounds the half-hearts, and the icy bridges. 

oh the abundant sunshine for all of the rambunctious law-breakers. 

how it did rain in the morning, how the heartache did swell in the evening, and all throughout

the glorious mountains remained.
the mountains who reminded me that grace and love and faith are abundant. 

divine blood filling the empty cups and the birthday of no one terribly important. 

all of the lazy artists, the do-nothings of society, thinking thoughts and creating beautiful things.

remember the adventure unparalleled? the pure hearts? the young dreams? the faithful Father?

trees with ghostly white petals.
stars in the sky. 

a friend who died.
and a thank you note to those dear little ones who kept me alive. 

the living too large and dying too old.
the trying to exist in reality. 

the comfort of darkness.
the joy of being in the presence of light. 

the blowing of too many kisses and that little ginger candy obsession. 

the notes to self. 

my pink, freckled shoulders.
the number nineteen.
many lazy lightening bugs. 

this dirty city and this filthy heart.
my beautiful ayiti, who takes turns haunting me and comforting me daily. 

a noodle-crazed panda. 

the fact that my friends are not sailors. 

old canoes and rough living. 

singing crickets and singing chad. 

Jesus the man who knew what it was like. 

the truly believing.

the river, so full of peace. 

those flashbulb memories. 

when i couldn't come out and really say "iloveyou".

the waning moon and the dying sun. 

the fact that i'm disappointing, my dear. 

those panic-stricken birds. 

the missingmissingmissing. 

scary/happy/lovely/nice/strange dreams. 

mysaltytears. 

mymountains. 

the no good heart that was so wrong. 

the fictional story about my dear sister and misplaced love. 

my love-affair with roan mt. 

may day merry making.

reminding myself to sieze the day. 

remember how i diagnosed myself with selective attention deficit disorder?

oh and those moon walkers

and that divine little boy doomed to die because he loves us and is obedient to his father

and finally, all of the children screaming for peace.

i have survived the end of the world.
i have seen love.
i have witnessed the strength that only grace can supply.
i have been reminded of my own darkness.
i have been comforted with the fact that it is not my own any longer.
life has gone on.
the breathing has begun. 

may grace and peace come to you, next year.
and may the love of Christ infest and infect you so i have no choice but to accept it.

thus ends fifty two weeks of writing.
thus begins a lifetime more.

Christmas.

every year, i have a different Christmas. i know that's a result of passing time and changing experiences. but it still takes getting used to.
this year, i didn't have a very long Christmas season. it really only hit me that it was Christmas a couple days ago. my mind has been full of questions and those questions have distracted me. not questions like "why?" and "how?" or "when?"

the questions in my mind have been the kind without the question marks.
like:
Jesus was born a perfect child who carried both death and life with Him his whole time on earth. He swallowed death for us, and the killing of death was the only way humanity could ever hope for life.

the kind of people that surrounded and admired Jesus when He was a child were the same kind of people who actively killed Him later.

we sing all these songs about how the night that Jesus was born was silent and holy and beautiful when the fact is, they were in a crowded little city in the middle of a census. mary was probably bedraggled and joseph's nerves were probably worn thin. Jesus, God of the universe, was not born a spotless babe. He was born gross and weird looking- like any baby. (don't get me wrong, i love babies, but they are are gross and weird looking at the very beginning...) the shepherds weren't sweet men with trimmed beards and the angels weren't these white, blonde-headed, winged, androgynous beings. it is wrong to  sugar coat these things. or it's just human nature to make the best of the situation.

seriously though, what is this Christmas thing all about? (i feel like Charlie Brown)

it is about a baby who was doomed to die by His own loving choice.
it is about a night when the heavens rejoiced and mourned.
it is about the fact that we all die. and through death, we all live.
it is about the end of the world and what happens afterwards.
it is about love. wondrous love.
it is about joy.
it is about peace.
and most of all, it is about hope.

a hope that won't let any of us go.

so we sing songs.
and we put up lights.
and we hang out with our families.
and we give eachother things we need and things we don't need.
and we watch silly movies where everything ends up as it should.
and we get excited about snow and pretty trees.

it's one day where we can stop and be thankful for the little boy that was born with the world on His shoulders. the Prince of Peace. born out of conflict. into a bleeding world.

happy christmas.
i could say "don't forget the reason for the season" or something cliche like that.
but i think i should say "continually remember the reason you're alive."

a little babe swallowed death for you. be thankful, be hopeful, have peace.

breathless

i woke up this morning on time.
i got to my 8:15 class on time.
i walked in the cold and felt alive.
today was beautiful because of those things.

i am now sitting at my desk in my room.
my ears are still cold from the walk i took in the damp evening.
i have my little desk lamp shining golden on me and knitted socks on my feet.
when i look to my right, there is a wall full of photographs. one of those photographs is of two little girls named Jenny and Nadine.
Jenny and Nadine are from Haiti.
they made me smile so much while i was with them.
they make me smile now.
Nadine with her funny pink bows and Jenny with her hands mid-clap.
tonight is beautiful because of those things.

the past year has left me breathless.
summer 2011 left me breathless. i saw children come to Christ and felt such a real community for the first time in my life.
fall 2011 left me breathless. all the darkness that had accumulated in my heart for the past few years infected my mind until i was under the control of my own sin and self-loathing. i wanted to kill myself, but was saved.
winter 2011 left me breathless. in Hosea it says that the Lord "will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." that's how He came to me-gentle and real. this bleeding heart began one of the many healing processes it needed (needs, and will need) to go through.
spring 2012 left me breathless. i lost two people. one young and beautiful that i barely knew. one old and wise that i loved dearly and love more everyday. i was sick and tired and through. not with life, but with school and all i wanted was to move on.
summer 2012 left me breathless. i saw the most broken and the most beautiful place that i've ever seen. i met the strongest people. i saw God work huge things in little actions and words and prayers. i was humbled, isolated, and loved.

as this fall is coming to an end, i am beginning to catch my breath. or maybe i'm learning to breath a different way. i was talking to my mom over thanksgiving break about how little community i've found at school. how i felt a lone in my thoughts and beliefs and values and whatnot.
yesterday i began to realize. all this time i've been here, i've been wanting to "plug-in" or "put down roots" or "find fellowship." but that's not what God had for me.
this semester was about me and Jesus.
i get that now.
now don't get me wrong, i am not saying that i am not supposed to be fellowshipping or communing with other believers. what i'm saying is, i have spent the last year scrambling. just when i have thought i could start breathing, God has knocked the breath out of me. He has broken me. smashed me. crushed me. ground me into powder. mixed me with His grace. and now He is tenderly forming me into something new. i can feel it.
so although i've not completely "plugged in" to a group, i'm not worried.

Hosea one says this:
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and will bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her."

i had to make it to this special wilderness i'm in.
this new wilderness.
this wilderness where i can barely breathe because of all the past wildernesses. as i walk slowly through this, i hear a voice speaking tenderly to me.
it is Jesus.