seventeen

listening in sociology?
psh.

it is in the dark that my mind wanders. it sails over oceans and scales high mountains. it skips through the field alongside deer.
until.
out of the corners of my mind comes fear.
my heart beats faster and my mind slows down. my thoughts turn from the light and hope of the day coming to the darkness of my own weak heart.
the monster becomes appealing and I want to draw closer. he becomes a handsome being and draws me in. my mind's eye blinks once.
and I see the hideousness of the creature, with a discolored face and sharp, crooked teeth, and a mangled body.
my mind races from this thing but he jerks me close.
we are face to face, eye to eye, and our noses are barely touching.
"you can hope all you want," his cruel voice rasps, "but God knows you can only love darkly."
I tremble for a moment, not breathing, not daring to live for another second. fear and my mind are having a staring contest.
a smile creeps onto his twisted face.
he knows he has won.
a tear creeps down my stricken face.
I know he has won.
a hand grabs mine and pulls me swiftly away into the light of dawn.
then comes a voice.
a kind voice that says "I know you can only love darkly, my dear. but I long for your dark heart anyway. I will make it good like Mine," the sweet voice says,"so be free from fear."
my mind rests and my body wakes. I feel exhausted from the tumultuous, un-restful sleep I just endured.
I shudder as I look at the dark circles around my eyes in the mirror. Some letters written on my chest catch my eye. the word "fearless" is ascribed on my heart.
only to wear off by the evening.
this seems to happen every night.
every time the darkness comes.

but I am longed for and loved.
fearless and free.