it's all right.

today has already established itself as a "me" day. that sounds/reads a little ridiculous, but it's the truth. i slept in for the second day in a row. i awoke to grey rainy light and the realization that i don't have anything planned today. i did yoga in the den (of the den...it's like a den-ception) and the woman on the video kept saying this "you deserve the love you give others." i kind of dismissed it as mumbo-jumbo, but there is a little bit of truth in that. i proceeded to make a late brunch while listening to sam cooke. it's been a good morning.
today is apart of a bigger event that i have named "the great week of catharsis" because this is an important transition week full of letting go and welcoming. this is the first week david and i are long distance (the first of fourteen), the week before i start summer classes, the week to re-organize my life and finances now that the storm of spring 2014 is over, and the week before the gym opens up again. all of those things shape my life and my schedule. it's nice to set them aside and just focus on releasing the stress and tension this year has accumulated already. i have exercised my body and mind only when i've felt like it, i have been drinking enough water, and i have been spending adequate time with my Savior.
i have complained a lot on here about how i have been defeated and very unloving to myself. my personal construction is not conducive to being easy on myself. i have spent as long as i can remember trying to exceed expectations to the point of tears and illness. this past semester, i tried to let go of a lot of that. i knew i was not doing well in any area of my life, so i thought "forget this" and tried to just coast through school. i worked hard, but i never felt like i was excelling. my mom finally sat me down and said "just get c's and be happy. i'd rather that than you get a's and be miserable." so i kind of took that and ran with it. i still wasn't quite happy, but i skipped class and turned things in when i thought they were finished (even if they really weren't). when i was going to check my final grades on monday, i expected to see at least a few c's and a few b's. it turns out, i got better grades this spring than i have in the last year. i guess the lesson here is sometimes it is so healthy to let yourself go, so to speak.

it seems almost silly to let a thing like grades delegate your feelings, but somethings in my heart and mind shifted when i saw them. it was like Jesus was crooning to me (much like sam cooke):
"It's all right, it's all right, it's all right, honey, it's all right, as long as I know, long as I know that you love Me, baby, it's all right."

i guess that's what i've been learning during this "great week of catharsis" and been mulling over this "me" day.

and you don't know why

i lack organization skills and i have a terrible logical flow.
so i'm going to split this post into two stories that come to one conclusion about my generation and society at large.
i hope that's alright.

A. last night, i had the incredible privilege to see five bands play that i know and respect on a college campus. they were all very talented in their own right, and i enjoyed them immensely.
the highlight of the night for me, though, was listening to my long-time favorite, night beds.

winston yellen sauntered onto the stage and my anticipation grew. he was obviously nervous (and slightly intoxicated) but as soon as he began to sing, that didn't matter. there is a vulnerability and a power to yellen's music that is almost prayer-like. his rhythms tend to be deeply rooted .if his music could lean into any genres it would be old-style country or jazz. that said, there is something intensely spiritual and introspective about his work, regardless of his broken worldview.

so he's up there, singing us soft songs about love and darkness and isolation. the words are piercing and relatable. i took a look around me, and the majority of the students there had blank expressions on their faces and looked like could not care less. stuff like that slays me.

B. last week, i was driving home to open for my largest musical inspiration (courtney marie andrews).  i was obviously nervous (but not intoxicated...just didn't want that parallel to yellin to cause any confusion) so i listened to the radio all the way to chattanooga. i generally stick to npr, the classical station, or oldies when i do turn on my radio. but this time, i just put on the "mainstream" music.

it was almost incredible to me that, song after song, what was being expressed (under a disguise of whiny voices and identical musical structures) was always apathy and despair and a longing for sexual satisfaction. those things all go hand-in-hand. those kinds of emptinesses (that's probably not a word) all point to Christ. and no one can see that. stuff like that slays me.

both of these stories are stark pictures of my generation (and society at large). we are a generation that suffers from intense isolation (due to whatever thing you want to blame it on) and a loose understanding of love and friendship. we are afraid to care about anything (like the students i mentioned) because we are afraid of being rejected from our peer group and becoming an unloved outcast. we are afraid to care about soulful things because we know that if we look long enough, we will see our weaknesses. we are afraid to be sober because we know that, in an a state aware of pain, we will be sad. we are afraid to be alone, but also afraid to be committed to loving someone else. we are afraid to do all these things. so we become sketch-like renditions of humans with hearts instead of the real deal.

the saddest thing about all of this, is that none of it is new. we are living in an ecclesiastical world where everything, even my life or your life, is a vapor. and when we live without the empowering love of Christ and the enabling grace of God and the inspiring fire of the Holy Spirit, it is indeed a vapid life.

the most joyous thing about all of this, is that we don't have to be apathetic and despondent. we have the choice (what a beautiful word) to commit to something real. it is a scary choice, so scary that many turn away from it, but it is the best one.

the lyrics to one song by night beds are:

when the sorrow comes,
and you don't know why,
come into my arms.
i'll hold you through the night.
and in the morning light,
we'll be sure to find
a kind of love so strong
it will make us cry faithful heights.

i know you get lost sometimes, man
i know you get lost.
i know you get lost sometimes, man
i know you get lost.
whenever you get lost, man
whenever you get lost, man
whenever you get lost, man
whenever you get lost 
hold my hand.

yellen usually performs this song without music. his voice rises up like a plaintive prayer.
this song is like what Jesus calls out to us. He assures us that when the sorrow comes and we don't know why, He alone is the one to hold us. He leads us to a powerful love. He brings us to our knees.

but until you or i or anyone else acknowledges that He is there and He is love and He is all,

we are lost.

don't choose to live a small, a frightened, and an aimless life, there is so much in this world (and infinitely more in the spiritual world) to actually care about.

fevered thursday

i feel like i gush a lot about certain artists. i praise them too much, perhaps.
but there's something about some of them.
when i listen to their music (regardless of the day, weather, or season) something happens.
it's this feeling that's born in the very center of myself and then it grows and grows outwards.
it's not happy.
it's not sad.
it's home.
it's sunlight, starlight, and moonlight.
it's the glow of dawn and the veil of twilight.
it's petrichor.
it's summer and winter and spring and autumn.
it's christmas and my birthday and my funeral and my wedding.
it's like time all of a sudden stops or speeds up.
it's immeasurably large.
it's infathomably small.
it's calm and silent.
it's raucous and loud.

 i've spent today in my bed-feverish and unable to speak (aside from some croaking noises)
i've slept and i've dreamt and i've watch some old reruns of the office.
days like this slay me.
i feel like the whole day is absolutely wasted.
and yet, if i spend some of it listening to some truly good music, it's not wasted at all.

i should probably take some more gross medicine and hope that i don't sound like yoda tomorrow.

people always write that sentimental new year's post

so i've put this one off.
i've decided that i am not making any sort of resolutions this year. (except to appreciate purple more. i feel i've always overlooked it)
no projects. (except this book called "642 things to write about")
complete freedom.
complete release of all that was shackling me last year. (and previous years)

i want to treat this year like a sweet little infant.
it's clean, new, and i'm not going to assume anything about it.

all i know is:
it's going to sound like this

it's going to look like this

and it's going to be full of love and grace and peace.
and i will be condemned by my own heart no longer.

"for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart.
and He knows everything."

first john three, verse twenty

let's not talk about things that we can break

somethings i've learned lately:

-love is inseparably joined with life. one cannot exist without the other. that's why humans are so unique. we naturally crave and destroy both life and love. crazy right?
-carpe diem. 'nough said.
-sleep becomes something that's a blessing and a curse. i have slept less this semester than ever before.
-you are obviously your harshest critic. cut yourself some slack. it's pretty much beautiful feeling. i have been less hard on myself about grades this semester than ever before and i love it. i am still excelling, but i'm less stressed out about it.
-life is a sucession of present realities. life is always now. alwaysalwaysalways
-there's a difference between being lonely, isolated, and independent. the line between all three is tiny.
-guitar's by far the most comforting instrument ever. to listen to. to play. to look at. to hold.
-the future is always going to be unknown. that's an old truth. but seriously, how often do you find yourself planning?
-night showers are the best way to de-stress before bed ever. that and hot oatmeal. oh the weird rituals you pick up when a student.
-courtney marie andrews is a musical goddess. i knew that already. you probably knew that already. but you know, you can kind of never stop realizing.

okay that's all.

title from this incredible song that you should listen to right now. go ahead and click this sentence. do it. 

three little things.

a newer idea:


the rain it fell from the silver sky
you grabbed my hand and the thunder sounded
we ran down the trail towards and old oak tree
slipping on the stones and the shining leaves


a newer photograph:

a newer favorite song

sinister kid

it's astounding to me how okay I am with my own sin.
do I hate my sin?
why yes, I do.
do I want to let go of my sin?
absolutely not.
it's ridiculous.

I've been mulling over something my mother said to me today. We were having one of our many discussions about college and she said something that completely took me by surprise.
She told me I needed to move far away for school.
What.
If you know my mom, you know she dislikes change and loves having her kiddos all around her and loves being at home. If there's anything in the world that I do that she despises-it's galavanting all over. Let me stress that again-she loves having me home. (not that I'm incredible or anything-because I'm not-it's just something she wants for all of her children)

So when she said that I was thrown for quite a loop. (I think that's a saying)
She told me that I was in "a rut" and needed to get out and go.
I told her that I'm pretty content right now and blablabla excuse after excuse.
I even got a little offended that she would presume to say that I'm not the most joyful person on the planet. ha.
Later on, some things hit me:
a. my mother knows what she's talking about.
b. I'm in a rut. I've been in a rut. I've known that, but I haven't done anything real to get out of that rut.

It's true. Last semester was awful and I've been very reactionary with this semester. More than anything, I don't want to be in the same place emotionally, spiritually, or mentally as last semester. But I'm still in the same place, physically. I mean, I still live here, in Chattanooga, and go to Chatt State.
how have I dealt with that?
well, the little sinister kid inside me has reverted to a selfish sort of "escapism". I've skipped class more than ever this semester. Not always (but sometimes) because I'm sick. Just because class is awful and I don't want to go. I've been lazy with my relationships. I've quit trying because it's hard and last semester was hard and I don't want this semester to be hard. (follow my logic?) The result of this whole thing is me just feeling like I'm in a rut and doing superfluous things to get out of that rut. I rationalized all of these things to myself by saying I was "keeping life adventurous" or "taking time for myself". but really, all I've been is selfish. I've dug myself a hole with my selfishness. And, instead of starting to build a ladder to get out of it, I just keep digging.

This isn't a post full of revelations like "and everything is now changed!" or promises like "so from now on, I'm going to be incredibly selfless and sell everything I own and join a convent (that's a bit overkill...)" I don't know what's going to happen. I just know that I'm forgiven, loved, and my mother is wise and I should open my ears more to what she has to say.

Sorry this is so long.
The End.

p.s. the title comes from this song-which actually played a huge part of today and these thoughts and so on.

One

apart of my 52 weeks project is trying to write at least one thing-any kind of "thing"-a week.
I'll share those "things" here. They won't be perfect and formulaic and stuff. They'll most likely be trains of thought. Just a warning.
this is from last week.

Sound crept from the corners of the small room until it was crowded with the warm strumming of a guitar. There she sat on his bed as he softly sung about being young. The grey sky clouded over until it was as dark as twilight-although it was just afternoon.
He cleared his throat as his thin fingers found their home on the strings. The crowded sounds caused the room to warm until the girl was rather drowsy. She leaned on his bed post and closed her eyes-letting the sounds caress her ears until she was quite asleep.
Making a sudden motion, he finished the song.
She breathed in deeply and, while rubbing eyes, softly exhaled "it's lovely."

if you do what you do

just a picture today.


title song

come swiftly and run

Bring a torch, Jeanette, Isabella
Bring a torch, come swiftly and run
Christ is born tell the folk of the village
Jesus is sleeping in the manger
Ah, ah, beautiful is the mother
Ah, ah, beautiful is her Son.

Hasten now good folk of the village
Hasten now the Christ-child to see
You will find Him asleep in the manger
Quietly come and whisper softly
Hush, hush, peacefully now He slumbers
Hush, hush, peacefully now He sleeps.

No One's Slate is Clean

Listen.

Today is:

Morning car accidents-don't worry I'm fine. My poor Zachary (my car) isn't.

Courtney Marie serenading me with her best album yet.

Geometric sweaters.

A cold cold walk with a dear friend.

Drawing loneliness.

Rain.

Studying

Cinnamon Dole Latte, Espresso, and Earl Grey Tea.

Panera and Starbucks in one day.

Brotherly encouragement. I am so grateful for my dear brothers.

Tired, exasperated giggles.

An Aussie in Panera explaining to his American girlfriend/wife/fiance 's family how to pronounce "Aussie". Adorable.

Soup twice in one day.

More Studying.

Reading encouraging Psalms and chapters of Isaiah. There is nothing as restoring as reading the Bible.

More Studying.

please be kind if I'm a mess.

Oh dear.

Today has literally been the epitome of my whole semester.

I woke up super late because I forgot to turn my alarm on.

So then I began my process of denial.

Instead of leaping out of my bed and grabbing food to eat on the way to school, I slowly made myself breakfast and decided to skip my first two classes. I went to the post office and chatted with the workers (they basically know me by name because I've been there so often this semester). Then I got coffee and read Psalm 69. After giggling with Joe and Ruthie and watching people in capes and ninja masks, I actually went to a class. I drew for two hours and was, in general, very happy with my work. I spontaneously decided to go to McKay after that and indulged myself with books. There's nothing like that weird, dusty, smokey smell of a used book store. I'm extremely fond of it.

As I drove home through the rain and listened to the Milk Carton kids...

Reality slapped me in the face.
I quickly realized I had to go to work at ballet and I hadn't eaten a real meal since the morning. Then everything that's expected of me this week and next came flooding into my thoughts and pushed all the little happy things out of my brain through my ears.
Stress slowly sank in.

And then came panic.

As I drove to ballet, I called my mom and asked her to bring me food sometime so I didn't die.

As I was on the phone, I almost started crying. Now, don't get me wrong, I do have emotions. But I'm honestly not the type of person to cry everytime I'm upset. Not at all. But for the rest of the night, I walked (and danced) around with a lump in my throat, just waiting for the eruption.

Nothing came, thank goodness. The rehearsals went well.

But I realized as I was sitting amongst flower costumes with my friends that this is probably going to be my last Nutcracker for a while-if not ever. I'm so overwhelmed that I have not been enjoying it as I should. And that's enough to make me cry.

Oh well, such is life, right?

Here I am, at 10:30, drinking coffee and only halfway done with all that I need to get done tonight.

So the moral of this whole thing is-if you come in contact me within the next two weeks-give me a hug and a cup of coffee. Those are two things that I'll be needing.

p.s. title lyric

both my eyes are fading

Tonight is:

Almost getting sick from the smell of lacquer thinner

Having paint and ink and graphite and charcoal all over myself

Fleet Foxes, Ray LaMontagne and The Civil Wars

Drawing without a real clue what it all means

Popcorn

Purple sweatshirt that says "Life is a series of ups and downs"

Sniffles

Dry coughs

Cranberry Sierra Mist

Open windows

How to transfer images with lacquer thinner:

You can use any image, just know that the older the image and heavier the paper, the less likely it's going to work. (also, note that the transferred image is going to be a mirror of the original-so words with be backwards and such). Place the image face down on the surface you want to transfer it to. Apply lacquer thinner (the fumes are awful, so make sure to do this outside or with lots of ventilation). Rub with back of spoon or a burnishing tool. The effect is sort of a cool, sketchy looking image. (You can kind of see it in the top photograph)

p.s. title lyric

so find your monster, don't tell your friends

I have been faced with the monstrosity of man recently. From reading "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift (a man who didn't hate man, but hated the inhumanity of man to fellow man) to watching a documentary/doing a speech on the LRA, my thoughts have been shaken.

Man can be a monster.

It makes me lift my eyes to the grey expanse above me and say "Why?"

I don't know why.

I'm not supposed to know why.

All I'm supposed to know is that I was a monster.

I'm also supposed to know that I was healed and set free from that Monstrous me a long time ago.

And now, I am not a monster, but a Redeemer.

I'm supposed to know that I am appointed to redeem the earth and all that's within it.

So apathy is not an option.

Acting, speaking, praying, living, loving, and reaching are my only options.

I would encourage you to know that you are a monster as well. But, I hope, you have also been or can be freed from that. Instead of being a Destroyer, you can be a Redeemer.

So act, speak, pray, live, love, and reach!

That's what has been on my mind lately.

Just wanted to share.

p.s. the title is a lyric from this song.

oh man, oh my, oh me

Oh how could I dream of,

Such a selfless and true love,

Could I wash my hands of?

Just lookin out for me.

-Montezuma, Fleet Foxes.

I am thankful for ever so many things. Too many things to list. Therefore, my only option is to strive to live in a state of gratitude.

p.s. if you haven't listened to Fleet Foxes. Do it. They're good for your mind, body, and soul.

how will I know

Tonight is:

old photographs

mountain man on repeat

thoughts

rest

less than a month until this semester is done.

Blue Skies

I'll do anything

To be happy.

Oh blue skies are calling

But I know that it's hard.

-Noah and the Whale

flew too close to the sun.

Life right now is:
Taking vitamins. all kinds.
Little braids in my hair.
Apple Juice galore.
Charcoal everywhere.

Raindrops.

The sweet smell of damp autumn leaves.
Icarus.
The National. Lots of The National.
Sore throats.
Nutcracker.
Staying up until the wee hours of the morning to finish things.
Then waking up early.

Drinking coffee and water simultaneously to stay awake and alive.

Being comforted with knowing that there are less than 20 class days left in the semester.

why are you shaking like a leaf?

There is always beauty to be found in Today.

Silvery rays of sun splitting silvery clouds.

The warm taste of vanilla on your tongue.

Music stirring your heart as you accomplish the necessary things in life.

The beat of gold and crimson leaves hitting the ground.

Hints of smiles at the corners of your lips.

The smell of a slightly chilly Autumn wind.

Can't you see?

Today can always be beautiful.

I was of tender age

Today is:

Late rising

Pink leggings

Large, soft black sweaters

Someone saying "Oh I though you were wearing a cape!" about said sweater as I zoomed past them on my bike.

Coffee.

Getting things done in a relaxed manner.

Hearing people talk about people I know and Family Airplane in Rembrandt's. We're famous!

Cold mornings

Writing

Thinking too much about everything.

This song

and finally, posting a picture that is absolutely un-edited.