Thursday, March 15, 2012

sinister kid

it's astounding to me how okay I am with my own sin.
do I hate my sin?
why yes, I do.
do I want to let go of my sin?
absolutely not.
it's ridiculous.

I've been mulling over something my mother said to me today. We were having one of our many discussions about college and she said something that completely took me by surprise.
She told me I needed to move far away for school.
If you know my mom, you know she dislikes change and loves having her kiddos all around her and loves being at home. If there's anything in the world that I do that she despises-it's galavanting all over. Let me stress that again-she loves having me home. (not that I'm incredible or anything-because I'm not-it's just something she wants for all of her children)

So when she said that I was thrown for quite a loop. (I think that's a saying)
She told me that I was in "a rut" and needed to get out and go.
I told her that I'm pretty content right now and blablabla excuse after excuse.
I even got a little offended that she would presume to say that I'm not the most joyful person on the planet. ha.
Later on, some things hit me:
a. my mother knows what she's talking about.
b. I'm in a rut. I've been in a rut. I've known that, but I haven't done anything real to get out of that rut.

It's true. Last semester was awful and I've been very reactionary with this semester. More than anything, I don't want to be in the same place emotionally, spiritually, or mentally as last semester. But I'm still in the same place, physically. I mean, I still live here, in Chattanooga, and go to Chatt State.
how have I dealt with that?
well, the little sinister kid inside me has reverted to a selfish sort of "escapism". I've skipped class more than ever this semester. Not always (but sometimes) because I'm sick. Just because class is awful and I don't want to go. I've been lazy with my relationships. I've quit trying because it's hard and last semester was hard and I don't want this semester to be hard. (follow my logic?) The result of this whole thing is me just feeling like I'm in a rut and doing superfluous things to get out of that rut. I rationalized all of these things to myself by saying I was "keeping life adventurous" or "taking time for myself". but really, all I've been is selfish. I've dug myself a hole with my selfishness. And, instead of starting to build a ladder to get out of it, I just keep digging.

This isn't a post full of revelations like "and everything is now changed!" or promises like "so from now on, I'm going to be incredibly selfless and sell everything I own and join a convent (that's a bit overkill...)" I don't know what's going to happen. I just know that I'm forgiven, loved, and my mother is wise and I should open my ears more to what she has to say.

Sorry this is so long.
The End.

p.s. the title comes from this song-which actually played a huge part of today and these thoughts and so on.


  1. Emily-- to be direct, and if it helps (and though i decided to try to die instead of meeting with you as arranged, WHAT YOUR MOMMA SAID WAS --EXACTLY-- WHAT GOD HAD PUT ON MY HEART. EXACTLY. LISTEN TO HER.
    I (still) want to meet with you. unfortunately for me, that is gonna take a bit of time now due to Addison's disease and thyrotoxicosis that i have currently. WE WILL THOUGH. In the meantime, REALLY PRAY. and know that i am too. Your mom is acting out of selfless love for you, her daughter. Your spirit is way too large to be contained right now, and God has a Purpose in that that will bring Glory to Him. You are too comfortable. You need to be stretched to realize the FULL, insane, amount of giftedness you have been given. i want to talk more with you. maybe we can by phone? FB me. I hope i don't offend you by what i have said. But these were EXACTLY what God had pressed me relentlessly on. You may be comfortable in your skin, and that is not bad! but you have outgrown it. Far outgrown it. and you are and have too much talent to waste. (or live comfortably!) LIVE HARD. He will direct you, HE WILL! if this is His great plan for you. And remember, she is not kicking you out, she is shoving you in love to give you the air to REALLY spread your wings---- more necessary for some than others.... but your momma knows the secret-- when that happens, usually ALL paths lead somewhere close to home. I want to talk/ pray with you. LOVE YOU and your incredible potential. TAB

    1. Mrs. Tabitha,
      I agree with your words and you did not offend me at all!
      I would love to have a phone time. Or if you'd like, I can come to you! let me know what's up and how we can get together! Thanks for your words and your prayers!
      I am praying for God to direct my path right now, for sure.
      thanks again!