nostalgia

nos·tal·gia   [no-stal-juh, -jee-uh, nuh-]
noun
1.
a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for her camp days.

the usual

drinking coffee
reminiscing
listening to this

if you do what you do

just a picture today.


title song

come swiftly and run

Bring a torch, Jeanette, Isabella
Bring a torch, come swiftly and run
Christ is born tell the folk of the village
Jesus is sleeping in the manger
Ah, ah, beautiful is the mother
Ah, ah, beautiful is her Son.

Hasten now good folk of the village
Hasten now the Christ-child to see
You will find Him asleep in the manger
Quietly come and whisper softly
Hush, hush, peacefully now He slumbers
Hush, hush, peacefully now He sleeps.

crazy. cray cray. crazers.

just because life is too short to be too boring.
superlative adventures are always an option.
hilarious movies that are only funny to the people making them are a must.
absolutely awful and mostly embarrassing pictures should be taken.
abbreviating words is totes never a good idea. never. teriyaki.
getting "golden monkey tea" smell waved at me is hilarious.
hollister is terrifying.
Taco Bell is delicious. not.
malls are awful.
Jenny and I spent practically a whole day there.
but that's to be expected...because we're crazy.
Christmas Eve is tomorrow.
expect a sentimental post or something.

#life

There are some times when life is so vividly good, bad, or otherwise that you have to question: is this real?
The answer is twofold I think.
Yes, it's real. You're living life in the truest sense.
No, it's not real. You feel this way because you're getting a glimpse of eternity.
The first part of Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in man's heart..."
We were made for real life.

journal entry.

December 14th, 2011
(I wrote this the day before my last final.)
I'm almost done with the worst semester of my life. I say that with complete and utter seriousness. This semester, more than anything, made me face my weakness. I cried more in the last three or so months than I have in the last three years. I've been incredibly lonely...I've given into my own temptations and lust. I've caused myself and my friends to stumble. I've been sad. terribly sad. Amongst all of this, I've been drawn closer to Christ than ever. Because I've been faced with my own neediness. I'm so needy. I need love. I need touch. I need people. I need purpose. I need sleep. I keep saying this about this semester- but God always provides. He has given me sweet times talking on the phone, road tripping, coffee timing, studying, dancing, with friends new and old, when I truly needed it...Taking 19 hours was a crazy thing to do. Beginning the semester thinking I could do it without my friends, family, and a Great God was positively insane. I have not been happy, but I have been reminded -through giggles, dried leaves, and poems-of the unending joy that I have in me and my Jesus. In spite of all dire circumstances.
So that's all...
Life will get better.

"Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows."
pg 42
The Great Divorce
C.S. Lewis

a few late-night thoughts

I've said it over and over again, here and everywhere else: God provides exactly what you need. With finals taking over my life and the bittersweet taste of Nutcracker in my mouth, I spent much of today wondering why I even study. I became overwhelmed with the fact that I don't want to study or take tests or anything. I really just want to sit with friends and really enjoy their company-instead of having a small, mean-spirited, nagging ghost called "Exams" haunting me. I have a huge exam tomorrow. I was thinking about going to bed and just calling it a day, but something, I think my conscience, kicked in and shook me by the shoulders (figuratively, of course. it may be late, but I don't think I'm quite that insane) and said "Mary Emily Vatt. Study. You have the power and wisdom and peace of an eternal God in you. Don't fret. Just do what you do and He'll do what He does in you."

Crazy right?

God provides weird "Aha!" moments when you need them.

He also provides good phone parties, study parties, and gluten free finals snacks.
I am continuously and eternally blessed with the kindness of my friends. I just can't wait until I can completely enjoy them.
Oh well. Time to study some more.

nutcracker madness

Nutcracker is:

Glitter.

Giggles.

Sniffling during snow scene because it's all so beautiful and this is your last year.

Balling backstage because you realize how much you adore the whole thing.

Snow. Throwing it. Stealing it. Watching Rhonda clean it up.

Lots of Rhonda jokes.

Taking pictures of the same people over again so that other people get the idea it's a four man show.

Fighting with my pretend little brother Fritz who's actually a girl named Gracie.

Going back to see my little cherubs and angels and being asked preposterous questions. My favorite was "Are you really a flower?"

Threatening to do crazy things with Amanda during school show. Only to giggle and realize that we never will do said crazy things.

Aching Feet.

Butch and Jimmy. The living legends.

Ohhh Nutcracker. How I love you. How I'll miss you. How I wish I could just think about you all the time instead of working on finals.
Bleck.

weights.

I don't lift weights. I am much too weak.

I have a beautiful, powerful Father that does that for me. He is infinitely strong.

Realizing that has been hard and it's hurt a little bit.

But I have been grown.

And I'm sure trees hurt a little bit when they grow.

Therefore, I am just experience the things I should as a little tree, growing in grace and righteousness.

The photograph is titled "prodigal". The sculpture is "prodigal son" by an artist who I didn't get the name of and therefore I feel bad. Oh well.

No One's Slate is Clean

Listen.

Today is:

Morning car accidents-don't worry I'm fine. My poor Zachary (my car) isn't.

Courtney Marie serenading me with her best album yet.

Geometric sweaters.

A cold cold walk with a dear friend.

Drawing loneliness.

Rain.

Studying

Cinnamon Dole Latte, Espresso, and Earl Grey Tea.

Panera and Starbucks in one day.

Brotherly encouragement. I am so grateful for my dear brothers.

Tired, exasperated giggles.

An Aussie in Panera explaining to his American girlfriend/wife/fiance 's family how to pronounce "Aussie". Adorable.

Soup twice in one day.

More Studying.

Reading encouraging Psalms and chapters of Isaiah. There is nothing as restoring as reading the Bible.

More Studying.

The Pulley

When God at first made man,

Having a glass of blessings standing by,

“Let us,” said he, “pour on him all we can.

Let the world’s riches, which dispersèd lie,

Contract into a span.”

So strength first made a way;

Then beauty flowed, then wisdom, honour, pleasure.

When almost all was out, God made a stay,

Perceiving that, alone of all his treasure,

Rest in the bottom lay.

“For if I should,” said he,

“Bestow this jewel also on my creature,

He would adore my gifts instead of me,

And rest in Nature, not the God of Nature;

So both should losers be.

“Yet let him keep the rest,

But keep them with repining restlessness;

Let him be rich and weary, that at least,

If goodness lead him not, yet weariness

May toss him to my breast.”

-George Herbert.

please be kind if I'm a mess.

Oh dear.

Today has literally been the epitome of my whole semester.

I woke up super late because I forgot to turn my alarm on.

So then I began my process of denial.

Instead of leaping out of my bed and grabbing food to eat on the way to school, I slowly made myself breakfast and decided to skip my first two classes. I went to the post office and chatted with the workers (they basically know me by name because I've been there so often this semester). Then I got coffee and read Psalm 69. After giggling with Joe and Ruthie and watching people in capes and ninja masks, I actually went to a class. I drew for two hours and was, in general, very happy with my work. I spontaneously decided to go to McKay after that and indulged myself with books. There's nothing like that weird, dusty, smokey smell of a used book store. I'm extremely fond of it.

As I drove home through the rain and listened to the Milk Carton kids...

Reality slapped me in the face.
I quickly realized I had to go to work at ballet and I hadn't eaten a real meal since the morning. Then everything that's expected of me this week and next came flooding into my thoughts and pushed all the little happy things out of my brain through my ears.
Stress slowly sank in.

And then came panic.

As I drove to ballet, I called my mom and asked her to bring me food sometime so I didn't die.

As I was on the phone, I almost started crying. Now, don't get me wrong, I do have emotions. But I'm honestly not the type of person to cry everytime I'm upset. Not at all. But for the rest of the night, I walked (and danced) around with a lump in my throat, just waiting for the eruption.

Nothing came, thank goodness. The rehearsals went well.

But I realized as I was sitting amongst flower costumes with my friends that this is probably going to be my last Nutcracker for a while-if not ever. I'm so overwhelmed that I have not been enjoying it as I should. And that's enough to make me cry.

Oh well, such is life, right?

Here I am, at 10:30, drinking coffee and only halfway done with all that I need to get done tonight.

So the moral of this whole thing is-if you come in contact me within the next two weeks-give me a hug and a cup of coffee. Those are two things that I'll be needing.

p.s. title lyric

Give Reviving

"It's one of a kind. A moment captured should be treasured. Let's treasure this."-Jessica (about above photograph-taken in a blanket fort at Chatt State...)

Today is:

Advent

The Lord's Day

My long lost ipod being found (hooray!)

Nutcracker chaos

Realizing that I'm an "older girl" now. How strange.

A little boy in the pew in front of us girls doing funny hand dances.

Stifling giggles

Gluten-free pizza

Peppermint ice cream

Drawing drawing drawing

Preparing myself for my last full week of school of this semester.

Ah. 5 little days left. Then 6 little finals.

both my eyes are fading

Tonight is:

Almost getting sick from the smell of lacquer thinner

Having paint and ink and graphite and charcoal all over myself

Fleet Foxes, Ray LaMontagne and The Civil Wars

Drawing without a real clue what it all means

Popcorn

Purple sweatshirt that says "Life is a series of ups and downs"

Sniffles

Dry coughs

Cranberry Sierra Mist

Open windows

How to transfer images with lacquer thinner:

You can use any image, just know that the older the image and heavier the paper, the less likely it's going to work. (also, note that the transferred image is going to be a mirror of the original-so words with be backwards and such). Place the image face down on the surface you want to transfer it to. Apply lacquer thinner (the fumes are awful, so make sure to do this outside or with lots of ventilation). Rub with back of spoon or a burnishing tool. The effect is sort of a cool, sketchy looking image. (You can kind of see it in the top photograph)

p.s. title lyric

so find your monster, don't tell your friends

I have been faced with the monstrosity of man recently. From reading "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift (a man who didn't hate man, but hated the inhumanity of man to fellow man) to watching a documentary/doing a speech on the LRA, my thoughts have been shaken.

Man can be a monster.

It makes me lift my eyes to the grey expanse above me and say "Why?"

I don't know why.

I'm not supposed to know why.

All I'm supposed to know is that I was a monster.

I'm also supposed to know that I was healed and set free from that Monstrous me a long time ago.

And now, I am not a monster, but a Redeemer.

I'm supposed to know that I am appointed to redeem the earth and all that's within it.

So apathy is not an option.

Acting, speaking, praying, living, loving, and reaching are my only options.

I would encourage you to know that you are a monster as well. But, I hope, you have also been or can be freed from that. Instead of being a Destroyer, you can be a Redeemer.

So act, speak, pray, live, love, and reach!

That's what has been on my mind lately.

Just wanted to share.

p.s. the title is a lyric from this song.

one hundred dreams

I wrote down my dreams today.

I also added another camera to my happy family. I bought a new camera and a snazzy new lens. I'm so excited. It shoots HD video. I see lots of pointless films of pretty lights and blowing leaves in my future.

His name is Tom.

oh reckless abandon

I mentioned this on facebook the other day, but I am re-thinking the way I photograph.

I want my photographs to look like they're stills from a cinematic memory. So my photographs aren't capturing what the person, place, or thing, looks like that moment. Instead, they are essentially how I would remember that moment later. The movement, colors, light, etc.
It's really interesting to me.
These two are minimally edited and I might redo them later.

p.s. tomorrow morning I'm going to write down 100 dreams. it's a challenge one of my friends suggested and a different friend actually did. so I'm really inspired.

old faithful

You know when you have those old shoes that are falling apart that you just don't want to ever get rid of?
I finally got rid of mine.
May they rest in peace.

tonight is:

Ray LaMontagne

Open Windows

Rain coming in said windows

Writing letters

Writing thoughts

Writing speeches

quiet contentment

oh man, oh my, oh me

Oh how could I dream of,

Such a selfless and true love,

Could I wash my hands of?

Just lookin out for me.

-Montezuma, Fleet Foxes.

I am thankful for ever so many things. Too many things to list. Therefore, my only option is to strive to live in a state of gratitude.

p.s. if you haven't listened to Fleet Foxes. Do it. They're good for your mind, body, and soul.

term paper madness

This semester has been one of those "oh I'm not going to sleep. ever." sort of semesters.

But I'm almost done!

The picture is of me almost nine hours ago. I had outfitted myself for a long night working on my Art History term paper and my final big assignment for speech class.

The night turned out to be a little longer than expected.

Oh well, the caprisun and baby carrots helped.

And it never hurts to dress up like a bandit.

Goodnight? Goodmorning? Oh dear...

o·bey

-to comply with or follow commands, restrictions, wishes,or instructions.

"Not a burden we bear,

Not a sorrow we share,

But our toil He doth richly repay;

Not a grief or a loss,

Not a frown or a cross,

But is blest if we trust and obey.

Trust and obey,

For there's no other way

To be happy in Jesus,

But to trust and obey."

-John Henry Sammis

stranger

you know in a year,
it's gonna be better.

you know in a year,

I'm gonna be happy.

Noah and the Whale.

how will I know

Tonight is:

old photographs

mountain man on repeat

thoughts

rest

less than a month until this semester is done.

Blue Skies

I'll do anything

To be happy.

Oh blue skies are calling

But I know that it's hard.

-Noah and the Whale

flew too close to the sun.

Life right now is:
Taking vitamins. all kinds.
Little braids in my hair.
Apple Juice galore.
Charcoal everywhere.

Raindrops.

The sweet smell of damp autumn leaves.
Icarus.
The National. Lots of The National.
Sore throats.
Nutcracker.
Staying up until the wee hours of the morning to finish things.
Then waking up early.

Drinking coffee and water simultaneously to stay awake and alive.

Being comforted with knowing that there are less than 20 class days left in the semester.

sorrow found me when I was young

I have such kind friends.

It's good to remember things like that.

today will be good.

I am to the point where I remind myself that everyday.

God is good.

Life is a gift.

So me complaining won't do a thing.

Oh also, I have a new friend! I was really sad that the first picture I took with him was so lame.

But still.

Eek.

London Fog

Today was:

Eating gluten free cake with breakfast and lunch

skipping out of class just because

cleaning my room(ish)

editing pictures from a long while ago

posting a picture from last weekend

impulse buys

answering deep questions asked in the most nonchalant way.

killer croquet...I think that's how you spell that.

rock, paper, scissors

not getting lost

autumn weather

nice music

no homework. ah.

London Fog. yum.

and now, sweet slumbers.

hooray for Friday.

Friday's Child

W. H. Auden

He told us we were free to choose

But, children as we were, we thought—

“Paternal Love will only use

Force in the last resort

On those too bumptious to repent.”

Accustomed to religious dread,

It never crossed our minds He meant

Exactly what He said.

Perhaps He frowns, perhaps He grieves,

But it seems idle to discuss

If anger or compassion leaves

The bigger bangs to us.

What reverence is rightly paid

To a Divinity so odd

He lets the Adam whom He made

Perform the Acts of God?

It might be jolly if we felt

Awe at this Universal Man

(When kings were local, people knelt);

Some try to, but who can?

The self-observed observing Mind

We meet when we observe at all

Is not alariming or unkind

But utterly banal.

Though instruments at Its command

Make wish and counterwish come true,

It clearly cannot understand

What It can clearly do.

Since the analogies are rot

Our senses based belief upon,

We have no means of learning what

Is really going on,

And must put up with having learned

All proofs or disproofs that we tender

Of His existence are returned

Unopened to the sender.

Now, did He really break the seal

And rise again? We dare not say;

But conscious unbelievers feel

Quite sure of Judgement Day.

Meanwhile, a silence on the cross,

As dead as we shall ever be,

Speaks of some total gain or loss,

And you and I are free

To guess from the insulted face

Just what Appearances He saves

By suffering in a public place

A death reserved for slaves.

Journal Entry

October 28th

Rain fell from the sky today and my thoughts were thoughts of you,

Atop your mountain, my dear, so young and strong and free.

I could see your face tilted towards the grey sky.

So, so alone.

With every drip and every drop I heard you scream,

“The Wild is my home.”

The cold wind touched my face today and I swear I felt your hand,

Playing with my hair, just like you used to do.

Are you now sailing on an untamed sea, my dear?

So, so alone.

With every gust I hear you shout,

“The Wild is my home.”

I walked through the woods today, trying to see them like you would,

You used to speak of the woods with love saying they are fresh and pure, and true.

I can see you, my dear, in the ancient pines, fiery maples, and sapling cedars,

So, so alone.

With every crimson leaf that falls I hear you say,

“The Wild is my home.”

I gathered around a fire tonight with friends we both knew,

The dying embers remind me of your eyes, so sad and wise and wild.

I wished in my heart, my dear, that you were safe and warm,

So, so alone.

With every wisp of smoke I hear you softly sing,

“The Wild is my home”

I climbed a hill today, trying to remember every part of you.

I could feel you all around me, my dear, in the sky and clouds and sun.

Oh wild thing, why did you have to leave and be,

So, so alone?

With every sunbeam I can barely hear you whisper,

“The Wild is my home.”

why are you shaking like a leaf?

There is always beauty to be found in Today.

Silvery rays of sun splitting silvery clouds.

The warm taste of vanilla on your tongue.

Music stirring your heart as you accomplish the necessary things in life.

The beat of gold and crimson leaves hitting the ground.

Hints of smiles at the corners of your lips.

The smell of a slightly chilly Autumn wind.

Can't you see?

Today can always be beautiful.

I was of tender age

Today is:

Late rising

Pink leggings

Large, soft black sweaters

Someone saying "Oh I though you were wearing a cape!" about said sweater as I zoomed past them on my bike.

Coffee.

Getting things done in a relaxed manner.

Hearing people talk about people I know and Family Airplane in Rembrandt's. We're famous!

Cold mornings

Writing

Thinking too much about everything.

This song

and finally, posting a picture that is absolutely un-edited.

Truth

delivered in overwhelmingly adorable packages.

Ah Jenny & Tyler.

(I've had bad luck with embedding videos. So sorry if you can't see the whole thing)

it may not always be so

Today is:

Caffe Misto

Iron & Wine

wind, wind, wind

rain, rain, rain

grey, grey, grey

charcoal smudges on my hands...and face

people watching

actually being ahead with my homework

scarf shopping

e.e. cummings

small headaches

a short walk

a rushing river

quiet moments spent with my eyes closed, drinking in the wind

Natural and Good

This in my time is the danger. There is great tension in the world, tension toward a breaking point, and men are unhappy and confused.

At such a time it seems natural and good to me to ask myself these questions. What do I believe in? What must I fight for and what must I fight against?

-East of Eden. Chapter 13, Part One.

John Steinback

I woke up yesterday and realized that I don't care about college.

Actually, let me re-phrase that. The things that I am most excited about that are in the future don't involve college. I love to learn and I want to succeed-BUT I'm elated that I'll be done with my undergrad in a little less than three years.

Life for me has already begun, I don't need a degree or a couple letters on a piece of paper or even a husband for it to begin.

I am going to college. So don't fret. But I'm not going to fulfill a life calling or find myself. (I'll always be searching for the latter thing so...) I'm going to further my own skills and to be challenged.

"life after college" is not something I'm afraid of, because in my mind, I'm already there.

I don't know if that makes sense to you. It makes perfect sense to me. But that's most likely because I'm young, I've had too much coffee and not enough sleep, and I rest securely in the knowledge that my life is not my own.

they heard me singing and they told me to stop

quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock.

today is:

grey sky

climbing a tree just to look at things from higher up

being frustrated with the leveled earth and newly paved road in what used to be my wilderness

taking pictures

being covered in dirt from running down paths, flowers from pushing my way through weeds to make it to the nicest tree in the world, and graphite from drawing for hours on a dusty path in the woods

thinking thinking thinking

arcade fire

the Lord's day

(please click on the image to make it larger. it looks so very nice)

thou mayest

I'm currently typing out whole sections of East of Eden so I'll remember them.

I like stumbling on old photographs. I never printed this one (it's a scanned negative) and I regret that.

you were the only one to know.

Monster by Magic Man.

currently my listening addiction.

tonight is:

sleepytime vanilla tea.

music.

catching up.

finishing books.

no homework.

the sense of accomplishment that only comes after taking a week of exams and turning in projects and giving a speech.

journal entry

I am a untamed thing tearing through the wilderness. I stumble through the uncharted territory with a zeal characteristic of my age. I want what I should not want. I lust for things I do not need. I know it, he, she, or they will harm me, but I am still chasing. Leaves crackle behind me, in front of me, to my left and to my right.

You are here.

You are hunting me. You are calling me.

You find me in a pit, covered in dirt. The stench of death is on me.

I am filthy and I love it. I fight Your pull. I bite Your hand and strike Your face.

You continue to pull me up from the mire.

You stroke my face as I fight your grasp and whisper "you're beautiful."

My struggling begins to cease as You hold me closer. I begin to object, but You stop me saying "I want you."

I begin to weep saying "but I am smashed to pieces. a useless vessel full of holes. I am only broken parts of what I should be"

You wrap me in peace "I want every broken part. I want to make you new."

in mundo non sed de mundo

A small list of things I loved today:

1) it was Friday

2) I had a twenty minute class today. and that was all

3) hammocking in the sweet shade of the pines

4) finding what Sarah and I made (picture below) in my car

5) biking in the autumn wind

6) watching anthony and cooper spar

7) learning about Visa the ninja

8) almost letting go of explosive laughter during the inappropriate time

9) then letting it go later

10) eating chocolatey things at Rembrandt's while reading good books and journaling silly thoughts.

Chuck

This is my new friend. Her name is Chuck (short for Charlotte) and we've already had some adventures together.

Life is sweet as of now.

reality.

Happiness is only real if shared-Christopher McCandless

this weekend confirmed these and many other things in my mind:

-God always supplies what I need. Always.

-God loves me too deeply for me to grasp

-I want more than anything to pack my things and go. anywhere.

-Dear friends and adventure are the ingredients for a most excellent road trip

and much much more.

Oh dear Jesus, help me be grateful. Help me get rest. and above all, help me to love people the way I ought to.

ten years

ten years? has it really been ten years since I was shaking in the living room as I watched the fire and smoke on the television. ten years since my mom was crying and I didn't know why. I was only eight years old. I didn't realize the impact that this day would have.

the terror of the acts done on this day, ten years ago, has only grown more and more terrifying to me as I get older. I am still so young, but I have lived life and I have been free. how precious that is to me.

how precious that should be to you.

I hope with all of my heart that you remember this day. I hope you remember the fear, the uncertainty and the grief. I hope you remember who or what you clung to as you watched the images on the screen. I hope you remember what a nation under God truly feels like.

today is so important.

that is one thing I hope you never, ever forget.

give up the things you love for love.

"You are every part of my beating heart, You are the blood within me. My love outweighs my lust for you, my head outweighs my heart.

I am with you through eternity, until my blood stops pumping. 'Cos without you rushing through my veins, there is no life within me.

Give up the things you love for love. Love despite your mood. Take me as I am, let me love you.

Blood on the hands of the Son of God, Oh, the pain that love brings. I will try to defend our love from false feelings. Bend like a bow in the archer's hand, though arrows run swiftly. Strike my flesh, then my bones then pierce my heart- love's poison seeping.

Give up the things you love for love. Love despite your mood. Take me as I am, let me love you.

Dead to the world, you've become my universe. An act of perfect poison-crippled, deaf, and blind inside I've become. My arms hang loose from my shoulders.

Without my arms I cannot hold a shield or wield a mighty sword. Every drop of blood that stains the earth, a stamp on the ground that I love you.

Give up the things you love for love. Love despite your mood. Take me as I am. Let me love you." -King Charles

little pleasures

life is so crazy. that's all I have to say for now.